When I was a child, I thought like a child, but everything seemed to change when I became a man. And at the end of every day, my mind couldn't help but play pretend. My current worries washed away while my mind played in perpetual sand. Where my current responsibilities changed from reality to just things that I dreamt about at night
But when I would go to sleep and the suppressed consciousness would rear its ugly head, the nightmare became more real than ever. When panic started crawling up my legs and onto my arms and into my chest, until every beat that I felt was a hammer pounding neverending in my head. And what started as a small whisper saying "You're better off dead" turned from white noise to a screaming voice, reminding me what everyone else had said: "Those hands will do amazing things," while my hands consequently feel like lead, as they grip the railing to the ship that I daydream about falling off the edge. And to be honest with you, I don't really feel like doing anything with them anyway. Besides staying up late at night with a computer screen pressed close to my head where fake love shows itself naked there instead
So when I wake up and pretend to know what love is, and to pretend to know how life works, and to pretend to know what you're thinking, and to pretend I know what I'm doing here. "I've got it all figured out, and life’s good" strewn across my t-shirt, but if we're playing cards I’m bluffing, and I bet you have a better hand than mine, no, I promise you you do
You walk around with a cross around your neck, leaning on it like a crutch. And instead of remembering that it was made for you, hypocrite, why don't you say something back? Oh that's right, the mirror can't talk to you, it can only mock what you say. And frankly, when I look at myself, I see a space that can be filled by someone else. And maybe they can see themselves in the same mirror and show us all a reflection that's worth the look and looks the best
And I know, I know: I'm filthy, I'm needy, I'm jealous, I'm broken, I'm worthless. Someone help me, give me a purpose. I'm hurting for a penny and I've got nothing to offer a world that would like another withdrawal. "I'm sorry sir, your account seems to show zero motivation and zero common sense. And maybe if you deposited more often than you take, you'd have something left to give." And again, I don't. I'm in debt. I quit my job and my hands are useless. So now I'm tipping closer to the depths
That's right: I used to be employed, I worked a nine-to-five I never truly applied for. It was my birthright but I traded it for a bowl of cold soup. Because I never felt qualified to have it. I could never do the right thing and make my work a habit, but a gift doesn't require anything, it's only a gift if you accept it. Because that same gift can become a burden and when you want someone else to have it, it holds you down, makes you sink deeper into an ocean and so I finally fell. Sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness, and it confused me
As I was losing breath, I saw someone else take my gift and float safely to the top of the waves. And instead of sinking, they saw a light amidst the tempest and found a way. Suddenly, for them the job became simple and clear, and this reality to me was eventually to appear
And the darkness overtook me again. My vision began to fade as my consciousness did too. But it showed up like a spark, bearing through the calamity of my sinking wreck of which all wretched thoughts had found their mark. I reached out with every ounce of my being, screaming "Help me, I'm drowning." But before those words left my lips, I felt strong hands grip around my wrists. And in that moment, I realized I had never truly been drowning. Because you had me there. Waiting for my cry the whole time. And you called out "Don't worry son, you're mine." And that sense of security helped me to belong and resurrected my purpose
Now instead of sinking, I began to float. I stopped floating and began swimming. Stopped swimming then stood and started walking out to you among the waves. And then you spoke tenderly and clear. You said "Why do you doubt when I'm so near?" And as tears ran down my face, all I could say was "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." But he didn't speak this time. Yet he only breathed into his hands and placed them on my chest. And suddenly the weight was lifted and the anchor tossed from my neck. I could feel the air, I gasped taking in this new breath. And finally he said "My child, I promise, you'll never sink again. Never sink again."
