Lyrks
Lyrks
Cover Art

Children On Airplanes Lyrics by Bill Hicks

The Essential Collection

0

I'll tell you- I'll tell you a story now. This is- I'm kinda... hanging here by nothing. I'm kinda tired. I flew in, uh, yesterday. Four hour flight. Now, dig this. They don't allow smoking on airplanes, right? But they allow children. Okay? Now... a little fairness is all I'm asking for. Some woman on the plane, "Well, smoking bothers me." "Well, guess what. Come here and let's chat about Junior for a little while. I think I could fill your fucking ear with some hisses, baby."

Anyway, I luck out on this flight, right? Every seat next to me is empty. Cool, I'm going to sleep. No shame. Every armrest goes up. Pillows, blankets on the head, fuck it. I'm outta here, man. Which I love doing 'cause it really bugs the business guys sitting around. I actually had a guy say to me, "Hey, is that allowed?" "No, I bought every seat. Shut up! I love taking $6,000 naps, you idiot. Go back to your Macintosh, monkey boy. Just 'cause you're in the sky don't mean you can't work for the man. Hey, I think I hear your jacket wrinkling in the overhead compartment."

So I'm asleep on this flight. Blessedly, finally asleep, right? And I feel this tapping on my head. This non-stop, relentless... tapping on my head. And I look out of my little... cave of pillows, and there's this little kid. Loose! Someone set it loose! And out of all the things on an airplane that might attract the attention of a little toddler, the top of my head beat out all the fucking competition. Fuck Barney the Dinosaur! Put the top of my head on TV and your little spawn'll sit saucer-eyed for hours tapping the fucking screen. I don't know what it is about the top of my fucking head. Little kids go fucking nuts over it

And I look across the aisle at the mom. She's, of course, grinning like an idiot. You know? Guy next to the mom, "They're so cute when they're that small. Ha ha ha..." Isn't that amazing though? Letting your kid run loose like that on an airplane? And then, the kid ran over to the emergency exit... and started flipping the handle to the door. And the guy next to the mom started to get up, and I went, "*whispers* Wait a minute... We're about to learn an important lesson." *boom* *whoosh* "Boy, you're right. The smaller he gets, the cuter he is." Oh, God. "Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here, can we smoke now?"

True story. Semi-true story. Uh, often sometimes for form, I'll use poetic license in order to, uh, avoid day work. *laughs*
Credits
Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks

About “Children On Airplanes” by Bill Hicks

Read the complete lyrics to "Children On Airplanes" by Bill Hicks from the album "The Essential Collection". On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Pop.

"Children On Airplanes" is performed by Bill Hicks. from the album "The Essential Collection" This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Children On Airplanes", explore more songs by Bill Hicks using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for Bill Hicks · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Children On Airplanes" is credited to Bill Hicks. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Children On Airplanes" appears on "The Essential Collection".

Visit the Bill Hicks artist page at /artist/bill-hicks for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.

Back to the Garden
Artistic Roll Call
A Killer Idea
A Question for the Ladies
As Long as We’re Talking Shelf Life (Kennedy)
50 Year Smoker
A New Flag (Patriotism)
Australia
Lyrks
Lyrks

Your gateway to the world of music lyrics.

Product

Features

Company

About

Artists

Trending

Legal

Privacy

Terms

Copyright

Support

Contact

Features

Charts

© 2026 Lyrks. All rights reserved.