Bestowed, as the upcoming millennial generation so indisputably is, with an overabundance of self-worth, it shall only further augment their sense of entitlement to refine expertly this craft into a practicable art. Possessed, as millennials are so inclined to be, of a unique propensity for selfishness, straightforward instruction in this art will prove sufficient to encourage mastery of complete narcissism and righteousness
Eager reader, let us arrive upon our first fundamental principle – the only thing that matters to a millennial is his or herself
While this attitude may seem common, our generation has proven exceptionally adept at placing ourselves before all others. However, some of the less fortunate among us may not yet be practiced in the art of overconfidence, and so it is to these, presently less selfish souls, that I direct my lesson
It is perhaps important to note that while we may live completely blind to the needs of others, the world does not, technically, revolve around us. This is simply a practical matter, and so need not concern us overly much. Indeed, people will not always live to serve us, wars will even erupt over issues entirely foreign to us, but these matters can be written off as unavoidable. The main purpose of my teachings is to instruct in the art of acting as if the entre planet did indeed exist to make us comfortable and wealthy, and when you, student, perfect this art, you will feel as though this is the case
Displeasing realities aside, let us turn our attention to what is most significant – convincing the world that we are all that matters and we know it
There are seemingly no more perfect atmospheres in which to master the craft of entitlement than in the workplace and the classroom. When you, no matter your technical position, are able to control and ignore your employers or professors and perform the minimal amount of actual work required of you, then your already robust ego should find further room for expansion
I speak then, primarily to those cherished millennials who already occupy positions in the work force or in an overpriced university. For those of you who have not yet reached this age, please indeed read on, for it is never too early to begin a lifetime of selfishness. And do not fear, I’m sure your parents will procure a place in higher education or a well-cushioned job for you soon enough
I expect that I make no significant reach when I assume that you already have some skill in the art of selfishly wasting time. Your mastery of passing hours altering your Facebook profile and purchasing clothing that you cannot necessarily afford are essential here. This, partnered with your complete disregard for those people around you, is your main weapon in the battle for a complete sense of entitlement
Upon perfecting these essential skills, you must then prepare yourself to face your main enemy, be it a boss or professor. These figures of authority will almost certainly fall into one of two categories, and you must quickly evaluate which type of adversary you face. On the one hand, you may find yourself under the supervision of an employer or teacher who expects little of you, whether out of compassion or indifference it does not matter overly much. On the other hand, you may face a more serious obstacle if you find yourself answering to a figure who actually expects work out of you. The former type requires little elaboration, for the skills you already possess, even if limited, will be sufficient in the case. If confronted with the latter type, however, then our lesson must certainly continue
Your initial task is to begin the relationship with a favorable impression of you and your character. This does not mean that you should actually submit to your boss or teacher; rather, looking attractive, as you undoubtedly do, and smiling occasionally should do the trick. Also avoid making any controversial or offensive statements. In fact, speaking as little as necessary is ideal, for you avoid accidentally calling your own character into question and it requires less effort on your part. Avoiding poor impressions is important, for this is how you will be viewed for the tenure of your relationship, and it is a familiar truism that well-liked students and employees can get away with more (more in this instance really meaning more concern with your own self and less with your work)
And what monster could not warm to your charms in an instant?
But first impressions only progress you so far before you must take more assertive action. After your professor or boss initially warms to you, it is then in your best interest to begin asserting your position as the most important individual in any room. Do you make a noticeable entrance wherever you go? Can you loudly claim that your work and opinions are superior to all others? Do you ignore all of your peers, especially those beneath you? Are you the ruler of the obnoxious and uncaring? You must master these strategies enough to ensure your place alongside Narcissus
It is essential you let everyone around you know how important you are, for they will value you as much as you value yourself. Never dismiss an opportunity to talk about yourself or express your opinion, and never show the slightest inclination of self-doubt. All of the awards that you earned while growing up were not for nothing
Then, if you have not already done so, elevate yourself not only above others, but above work itself; deadlines are for the subservient, and you are the master. Work is, to you, never a necessity; begin and end your day doing as you please, never allowing an assignment to spoil your morning
In the case that your work ethic is questioned, do not back down. If it is a peer that questions you, ignore them completely; no one who is not paid more than you is worth your attention. If your boss expresses doubts about your capabilities, threats to appeal to higher authority will serve you well. Do not hesitate to tell your professor that you will report their incompetence as a teacher. When you act as though you are in control, you will be. And it is, after all, only your own comfort and convenience that you must worry about, so do not feel the slightest guilt at actually reporting your accuser to a significantly higher power
If you, for some reason, you lack the necessary selfishness to ignore your work and your peers entirely, do not fret – sympathy is your greatest asset. Learn to convey tales of your hardships with the utmost drama; overwhelm those around you with the story of how you were forced to wait in line for fifteen minutes, or how your favorite cashmere sweater was ruined by the dry cleaner. Your problems are the problems of everyone, and those around you will understand your limited productivity in these persistent times of duress
More strategies to promote your own self-worth and lack of work ethic of course come to mind, but that list is far too lengthy to exhaust. While I regret to ever end my lesson, I am confident that my reader, you the millennial, will admirably uphold the reputation of our generation. Farewell, then; may the world forever revolve around you and may you always seek your own comfort above all else!
