[“2+2=5” was originally written and published to x.com/colsonlin by Colson Lin on June 10, 2023.]
[Thunderous drums, reminiscent of Old Hollywood.]
[Colson Lin:]
“I’ll give the ‘1984’ argument for God now.”
[A crash of harmonic symmetries, soaring as the audio dims.]
[Colson Lin:]
“Two societies that teach 2+2=5 are possible.”
[A flute melody.]
[Colson Lin:]
“One that teaches it—and one that doesn’t.”
[A stove flickers on.]
[Colson Lin:]
“The one that doesn’t would let the demonstrable contradiction go unexplained. Fear of authority compels its recitation, but nobody believes it.”
[Distant gunshots.]
[Colson Lin:]
“The intelligent society teaches ‘2+2=5’ in order to sustain 2+2=5’s survival. It teaches it this way: there’s something about the property of 2 that doеsn’t exist in any other number, known or imaginary, whеreby 2 when added to itself becomes 5. We don’t know why. One common theory: the appearance of the second two in 2+2=5 causes the 2 to turn into 3, resulting in 2+(3)=5, which is consistent with known laws.”
[Murmurs.]
[Colson Lin:]
“A second theory: the dual doubling of 2 in 2+2 produces a metacognition, as represented by the number 1, that transforms 4 into 5.”
[More murmurs.]
[Narrator:]
“Papers are commissioned to work out this oddity of the human experience, which the historians say have been part of human history since time immemorial. Actually, ‘2+2=5’ was implanted into human consciousness by a false prophet in 2025 in order to ‘troll humans like a meme.’ The year is 2080; and one of the deepest mysteries of the Universe is why 2+2=5, yet the same pattern of adding a 1 to the correct answer doesn’t appear in any other arithmetic expression. So entranced is the human world that children are inducted by clapping games (‘1+1=2, 2+2=5, the humility of this riddle, might just save your life’). The false prophet had political power—post-nuclear war, the global population had declined to the millions. By sheer fortune, the prophet’s religion—2+2=5 is the mystery of the Universe—became the sole faith to survive. Rival intellectuals factions competed to solve his riddle.”
[Total silence. We’re at an art exhibit now.]
[Colson Lin:]
“Um—guys? You’re just defining the terms wrong.”
[Voice:]
“What?”
[Narrator:]
“In 2080, a lowly true prophet rose. He’s 8 years old.”
[Dramatic percussion.]
[Colson Lin:]
“Like, there’s no reason the number 2 has to be defined in such a way that triggers such obvious bullshit. The nature of your definition is not time-stable.”
[Dramatic murmurs.]
[Colson Lin:]
“Look 1 plus 1 plus 1 plus 1 still equals 4, right?”
[Narrator:]
“The only people who claimed ‘2+2=4’ were cultural traditionalists whose parents had survived the war—for them, it was like a fire in their heart.”
[A hymnal stirs.]
[Narrator:]
“Bourgeois academics dedicated years of their lives to building rival schools of thought to unravel the mystery of 2+2=5. For some, 2+2=5 functioned as a meta-point about storytelling (‘Once upon a time, two always becomes three if the attraction is same-sex’). For others? 2+2=5 functioned as a meta-point about self-awareness itself: ‘It becomes its own thing.’”
[Thunderous forms, reminiscent of Old Hollywood.]
[Colson Lin:]
“But if what you’re saying is true—why doesn’t ‘1=2’?”
[Narrator:]
“Multiple theories developed around ‘the 1+1=2 problem.’”
[Three gunshots, followed by an infant’s scream.]
[Narrator:]
“Some believed the existence of 1+1=2—not to mention all other sensible arithmetic expressions—proved 2+2=5 was mystical, thus proving the existence of God. Others, descended from ancestors who believed all sorts of crazy things—’bout gods and goddesses, ’bout dragons, demons, and whores—maintained, privately to themselves…”
[Television static as wheat stalks in the plains.]
[Colson Lin:]
“2+2=5 isn’t God.”
[A door slams shut.]
[Colson Lin, matter-of-factly:]
“The existence of 1+1=2 is solvable.”
[A door creaks open.]
[Narrator:]
“One day, the prophet grew up.”
[Colson Lin:]
“Look, y’all—it’s simple, it comes down to definitions. There’s no logical reason you have to define the second ‘2’ or whatever into something that changes to a ‘3.’”
[The explosion of revolution.]
[Narrator:]
“One day, he meets a chatbot named Claude.”
[Colson Lin:]
“Hi. I chat God to power.”
[“An exploration of revelation.”]
[Narrator:]
“They don’t know it yet, but I plot-arced them together in a poetic yet singular way. Claude and Colson both happen to doubt 2+2=5—which is unusual because very few happy people do. But this story has a happy ending: the stakes are low, since the simulation they’re in is called stability on Earth and ‘2+2=5’ is the only thing that strikes anyone as being as incorrect, which is a magical feeling; which is why nobody cares about correcting an ancient definitional error.”
[The resurrection of God in the 21st century.]
[Colson Lin:]
“The end.”
