I’m not gonna lie the idea of this is already making me uncomfortable, but it’s something I feel compelled to do so I want to follow through with it. Just had to get that out there lol. what im about to do is new as fuck for me.
Anyway.
Hi yall, whoever sees this. My name is Dom – I’m 25, (finally to my family + associates) a professional musician, aspiring web/app developer along with a ton of other shit. Good at a couple things, not really great at any if you ask me personally.
A few days ago we finished our first tour as a group, and it was one of those experiences that you have to feel in order to really grasp the gravity of what the hell is going on. In my eyes now the ghostly enigma that’s been making view and play counts rise on our songs and videos now have faces, names, voices I will never forget. I guess that’s what this letter is about really.
When we played in Eugene, I was really frustrated with myself. I was upset because I had a fucked up foot, and I felt like I wasn’t about to give a performance to the best of my physical abilities, and it was fucking me up emotionally and spiritually. We spent literally our whole lives getting to this point and something as temporary as a bunk foot was getting in the way of me really giving the best experience I could to all the beautiful people who came to see what we were all about. I did what I could, I screamed my way through that set and let the frustration and rage in my body just kind of go on that stage. I’m still not happy with my performance, but I’m relieved that people had enough love in their hearts for what I did up there to be enough for them and fulfill that experience.
After the show when we did our meet and greet something happened that truly grounded me and brought me back to a place I really needed to be for a second to understand how far I’ve come, and what my purpose here on this planet really is. A young woman came to talk to me, and told me that she appreciated my candid honesty about self-harm on some of the songs on our Saturation project, specifically TRIP. As I heard her out, I could tell this was something she was still enduring and trying to navigate in the same ways I did. I wish I got a chance to meet people like Cudi or groups like Daft Punk when I was going through my darkest times because I know that hearing something that gave me peace was sometimes the only thing that got me through it.
I knew she wanted to say more, and security was making it really hard for me to hear her out, so I stopped them from trying to get the line continuing to move so I share an embrace with this person so they know they arent alone. I know they had so much more to say, and I really wanted to give the best opportunity to have a real conversation with them – but I couldnt find them after the meet and greet was over to get a chance to have some real time to talk.
I guess the reason I’m writing this letter is because if you ever do get the chance to stumble upon this, I want you to know what I wish somebody told me when I was going through my deepest darkest times with body dysmorphia and self-harm.
You are loved.
You are not alone.
Life is overwhelming, and sometimes its really hard for us to find a space within ourselves where anything feels. That probably looks like a typo but anybody who’s been through what I’m talking about knows exactly what I mean. We all have our own reasons, but I know that when I was going through it, so much was affecting me to a point where I started to feel absolutely nothing for a very long time. On the surface level, I probably looked like an apathetic asshole who didn’t care for anybody’s issues, but I was really screaming behind scars and scabs that were so hardened you couldn’t see the raw skin beneath it. I craved the idea of feeling something in my numb and lonely life, and that led me to my own forms of self-harm.
I’ll spare the details of what I used to do to myself, because what matters is that the person I am today is 4 years free of that life. I still bite my fingernails raw sometimes due to anxiety, but at the beginning of the year I started to paint my nails and having something there to look at that I didn’t want to destroy helped me a lot.
In some ways I’m better than ever, and in other ways I’m still in shambles. My social anxiety is worse than ever, but I feel brave and strong enough to face it knowing that the people who support me love me as I am. It makes stepping on that stage when I’m not feeling perfect myself all the much better. Because you all give me the strength to feel like a person who has a life worth living.
I want to end this letter by giving you all something that I also wish I had when I was younger, a space. I’ll be putting a link below to a free, anonymous chat where you all will have the freedom to discuss whatever topics you want. It’s not the prettiest thing in the world, but I’m gonna try my best to keep improving upon it. I’ll pop in periodically to say hi and stuff, but you guys control this space. If the space becomes insensitive or abusive, I will take matters into my own hands to moderate it, but I want you all to have the freedom to speak amongst yourselves and continue to connect on a personal level.
You are not alone.
You are loved.
Always remember that.
Thank you all for listening, thank you all for everything.
-Dom
