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You Won’t Succeed on Broadway Lyrics by Eric Idle

Monty Python’s Spamalot (Original Broadway Cast)

2005

[ARTHUR, spoken]
Have you heard of this "Broadway?"
[ROBIN, spoken]
Yes, sire, and we don't stand a chance there!
[ARTHUR, spoken]
Why not?
[ROBIN, spoken]
Because Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people, people who can sing and dance, often at the same time! They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people...who need people...and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in...the world. I'm sorry, sire, but we don't stand a chance!
[ARTHUR, spoken]
But why?
[ROBIN, spoken]
Well...let me put it like this...
(sung)
In any great adventure
That you don't want to lose
Victory depends upon the people that you choose
So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news
We won't succeed on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews
You may have the finest sets
Fill the stage with Penthouse Pets
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes
You may dance and you may sing
But I'm sorry, Arthur king
You'll hear no cheers
Just lots and lots of boos
[COMPANY]
Boo!
[ROBIN]
You may have have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore
You may even have some animals from zoos
Though you've Poles and Krauts instead
You may have unleavened bread
But I tell you, you are dead
If you don't have any Jews
They won't care if it's witty
Or everything looks pretty
They'll simply say "it's shitty" and refuse
Nobody will go, sir
If it's not Kosher then no show, sir
Even Goyim won't be dim enough to choose
Put on shows that make men stare
With lots of girls in underwear
You may even have the finest of reviews
[CRITIC]
You're doing great!
[ROBIN]
The audience won't care, sir
As long as you don't dare, sir
To open up on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews
(dance sequence)
You may have dramatic lighting
Or lots of horrid fighting
You may even have some white men sing the blues!
Your knights might be nice boys
But sadly we're all goys
And that noise that you call singing you must lose
So, despite your pretty lights
And naughty girls in nasty tights
And the most impressive scenery you use
You may have dancing man a mano
You may bring on a piano
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews!
(dance sequence)
[MEN]
HAY!
(dance sequence continues)
[ROBIN]
Hooooooooo-oy!
Hooooooooo-oy!
You may fill your play with gays
Have Nigerian girls in stays
[GIRLS]
You may even have some shiksas making stews!
[ROBIN and MEN]
You haven't got a clue
If you don't have a Jew
All of your investments you are going to lose!
There's a very small percentile
Who enjoys a dancing gentile
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news!
But never mind your swordplay
You just won't succeed on Broadway
You just don't succeed on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews!
Arthur, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway
To sing a song on Broadway
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose
I tell you, Arthur king
There is one essential thing -
There simply must be, simply must be Jews!
There simply must be -
Arthur trust me -
Simply must be Jews!
Credits
Eric Idle

Eric Idle

About “You Won’t Succeed on Broadway” by Eric Idle

Read the complete lyrics to "You Won’t Succeed on Broadway" by Eric Idle from the album "Monty Python’s Spamalot (Original Broadway Cast)" in 2005. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Musicals, Pop.

"You Won’t Succeed on Broadway" is performed by Eric Idle. from the album "Monty Python’s Spamalot (Original Broadway Cast)" in 2005 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "You Won’t Succeed on Broadway", explore more songs by Eric Idle using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"You Won’t Succeed on Broadway" is credited to Eric Idle. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"You Won’t Succeed on Broadway" appears on "Monty Python’s Spamalot (Original Broadway Cast)" in 2005.

Visit the Eric Idle artist page at /artist/eric-idle for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.