INT. SOMEWHERE - SOMETIME
CLOSEUP of a DIARY, a PEN—advertising AMAZING AMY—is
cursiving across. The eraser topper is a BRIDE with VEIL. The date is February 24, 2007. We see the words as we hear:
AMY (V.0.): Amazing Fucking Amy is getting fucking married! That’s how the night started.
INT. UPSCALE NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT
TINY book launch party. Posters advertise the AMAZING AMY book series—all 20. “Written by RAND and MARYBETH ELLIOTT—two psychologists—Who are parents JUST LIKE YOU!”
AMY (V.0.): With me—regular, flawed, Real Amy—jealous, as always, of the golden child. Perfect, brilliant Amazing Amy. Who is getting fucking married.
NICK and Amy are tight together. Waiters are circulating drinks, wearing T—shirts with an impish Amazing Amy and her TRADEMARK line: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing BRIGHT!
NICK: Now you can say you came. And in 10 minutes we’ll leave.
AMY: Perfect, time for a quick tour of my failings.
They walk along the wall of BOOK POSTERS. Stop in front of a
poster of: gradeschool AMAZING AMY holding a CELLO. A MUTT
beside her.
AMY (CONT’D): When I was 10 I quit cello. In the next book, Amazing Amy became a prodigy.
Next POSTER: teen AMAZING AMY playing volleyball.
NICK: You don’t play volleyball.
AMY: I got cut freshman year. She made varsity.
They continue their tour.
NICK: And how long did you have a dog?
AMY: She got a dog. Puddles made her more relatable.
They stop in front of the biggest poster: Amazing Amy, in a bridal veil, a BLAND GROOM next to her. The banner reads: 30th Anniversary Special Edition-AMAZING AMY AND THE BIG DAY.
NICK: I love your parents, but they can be assholes.
In the center of the limp party, RAND and MARYBETH, 60s,
cheerily hand out commemorative PENS-identical to the one Amy
used for her DIARY. Rand spots them—hands them each a pen.
RAND (to Amy): Hey, sweetheart, this is a big night for your mom. It would mean so much to her if you’d talk to a few reporters. Bloggers. Give ‘em a little “Amy” color.
Painful pause.
RAND (CONT’D): People want to hear from you.
AMY: We can’t stay long
RAND: Fantastic! Fifteen minutes, tops!
As Rand strides away, Nick gives Amy a look.
AMY: This is why I have my trust fund, my Brooklyn brownstone. I can’t really complain.
NICK: Your parents plagiarized your childhood.
AMY: No, they improved upon it, and then peddled it to the masses.
Marybeth pops up, a little tipsy, hugs them.
MARY BETH: I thought you were going to wear white to match the wedding theme.
AMY: I thought that’d be embarrassing.
MARY BETH (half joking): If it’s worth doing--
NICK: It’s worth doing...how’s that go?
BRIGHT! BRIGHT! The waiters are everywhere in the T-shirts.
NICK (CONT’D): Tip of my tongue...
MARYBETH: You’re very cute, Nick. Amy, you know what would make Dad’s night
AMY: I’m on it. (to Nick) I love having strangers pick at my scabs.
INT. - BAR CORNER - NIGHT
Amy, standing at a cocktail table, deals with a montage of New York media types. NICK hovers nearby.
EARNEST GIRL: I’m curious whether it’s difficult for you to watch Amazing Amy heading down the aisle
FASHIONISTA: -and this big party celebrating this fictional wedding
NERVOUS INTERN: Because my understanding is that you are not married
ABOVE-IT-ALL JOURNALIST: Correct?
AMY: Correct. Amazing Amy is always, always one step ahead of me.
Nick cuts in, blocks the journalist.
NICK: I have a few questions.
AMY: Ah, it’s you.
NICK: I am here in a strictly journalistic capacity.
He elaborately sets out pad, pen. AMY prepares to be amused.
NICK (CONT’D): Amy, you’ve had the pleasure of dating Nick Dunne for how long?
AMY: Two magical years.
NICK: Is it true that during the course of your relationship, you have performed such gracious gestures as (checking notes)
not correcting Nick when he pronounced quinoa as kwin—o—a.
AMY: An understandable mistake.
NICK: He also thought it was a fish.
AMY: He thinks Velveeta is a cheese.
NICK: Touché.
AMY: I think it’s pronounced tow—chay.
NICK (laughing): You also manage to appear surprised and delighted when Nick’s elderly mother breaks into “New York, New
York” every...time....she sees you.
AMY (crooning): These bag of bone shoes...
NICK: You also bought Nick his first pair of scissors, correct?
AMY: And matching stapler.
NICK: Amy Elliott, you are beyond amazing. You are incredibly smart but entirely unsnobby. You are kind but never a martyr. You surprise me. You challenge me.
(MORE)
NICK (CONTD): And—fun fact for our readers—you have a world—class vagina.
Amy chokes on her drink.
NICK (CONT’D): However my colleagues inform me that as yet you are not married.
AMY: I am not.
NICK: Isn’t it time we fixed that?
AMY (V.0.): Then the night wasn’t so bad anymore.
