Bravely Defeating the Foe
Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have some news; and I know that it might be disappointing to the mommies out there. My husband and I had a very long talk last night; and he doesn't think that posting my writing online and going to classes is a good idea for our family. It was a hard decision for me to accept; but he does know best. I want to thank all of the many righteous believers who have supported me in this little mission of mine; and I hope that this last chapter ties up the loose ends as best as one chapter can.
Harry gasped; and Dean Thomas gasped too; and Hermione burst into tears; as Voldemort ambled through the parking lot. The enormous crowd of righteous students were nervous; but they still stood boldly in the face of such horrifying evil. Dumbledore stood in front of them protectively and manfully.
Harry looked at the depraved man walking toward them; and he thought of all the lies that he must have been told by Evolutionists and Feminists all his life; and he thought of the empty, meaningless depravedness that must he would have to have to distract him from that missing Love in his life; and he thought of how one day he would die; and that there would be no happy heaven for him, only the flames of hell. Harry wondered how anyone could be so stupid. Who would want hell more than heaven? It made Harry so angry.
Voldemort stopped walking when he was in front of the Reverend Dumbledore. He arrogantly nodded and said, "Hey, my name's Tom Riddle, and I'm here to visit my cousin. Which way is the guys' dorm?"
"Enough of your lies," Dumbledore exclaimed bravely. "We know who you are."
Voldemort blinked stupidly; and then he uttered childishly, "I'm sorry… what?"
Dumbledore smiled smartly. "You're pretending to be dumb, I see. Well I'm not stupid. We know all about how much you hate Christians."
"What? I don't hate Christians," Voldemort lied dishonestly. "What are you even talking about?"
"You're still pretending to be dumb," the Reverend pointed out truthfully. "We know all about your plot to illegalize Christianity, Voldemort."
Voldemort blinked stupidly again and questioned evilly, "Wait, this is about my Reddit account?"
"Is that what you call your godless coven?" Dumbledore queried knowingly. "Well yes I have indeed seen your so-called Reddit Account; and just try to deny your hatred of Christianity when you post things like this-'kristians all sux. their religion is stoopid and should be illegal. i will rite to congres and tell them to make law.'"
Harry Potter laughed intelligently; because Voldemort did not even understand proper spelling and grammar.
"That was a joke," Voldemort retorted unintelligently. "That whole account is a joke. I mean, 'Voldemort_the_righteous_skeptic'?" He laughed with the nervousness of one who knows he is damned. "Of course you're not supposed to take it seriously."
"Do you think religion is a laughing matter young man?" Dumbledore demanded righteously. "Well it is not! What sort of a joke is trying to outlaw religion?!"
"Of course I don't actually want to outlaw religion," Voldemort uttered deceptively. "That would be ridiculous. I just got annoyed by the ridiculous straw man some Christians have made out of atheism, so, whenever I see someone ranting about how depraved and evil we nonbelievers are, I reply with something like that. You know, taking that stereotype to an extreme to point out how ridiculous it is.
"Also, a small but vocal minority of atheists exists that stereotypes and mocks anyone who disagrees with them. They can be just as hateful as people think we all are, and that does real damage. They bug me as much as the straw man arguments do – and they give those arguments credibility – so I do the same thing to them, replying with an extreme version of what they said to highlight the absurdity of it."
"So, you're making fun of atheism?" Dumbledore interrogated shrewdly.
"No, no – I am an atheist," Voldemort explained sinfully. "I'm just –"
Just as I thought," Dumbledore surmised wisely; and he smiled holily in satisfaction that the Lord had worked through him. "We have been preparing for this day; and we have been preparing for it for a long time. Students!"
The holy little ones stood at attention.
"Convert him!" Dumbledore commanded bravely; and all at once-the students began to shout.
"You have been tricked by the lies of society," Harry shrieked knowingly. "You deserve to burn in hell!"
"Come over here!" Dean Thomas screeched articulately. "Debate me on religion!"
"I'm just so upset that you don't accept the Bible," Hermione sobbed femininely. "The Bible is the best book ever. Why can't you just respect that?!"
"I'm a Gryffindor Hat now!" Draco yelled boldly with the inspiring zeal that so many newcomers to the faith have. "Do you hate me now? I bet you do!"
Voldemort covered his ears with the discomfort that heathens often find themselves with when they are confronted with the truth; and he shouted loudly to drown out the word of the Lord, "You've been preparing to do this? To scream at me?"
"It is the work of the Lord!" Dumbledore explained accurately.
"Aren't there better ways to spend your time than preaching to a bored idiot who makes fun of people on the internet?" Voldemort questioned hedonistically. "Your Lord seemed to be pretty concerned about helping the people around him. Is that not his work anymore?"
"How can we focus on helping people; when there are people like you trying to destroy us?" Dumbledore countered astutely.
"I told you before, that Reddit account is a joke," Voldemort whined pathetically; but the Reverend shook his head.
"I thought that might be so at first," the Reverend commented fairly. "But it was just too realistic."
"How was it realistic?" Voldemort inquired uninformedly. "It wasn't even subtle! I waxed poetic about the sexiness of neckbeards and said that Christopher Hitchens has superpowers. It was supposed to be funny! How could you take it seriously?"
Dumbledore scoffed; and he replied faithfully, "Like it or not-your little 'joke' is what most atheists today are like."
"So my Reddit account solidified your conception of atheists as a bunch of anti-Christian bigots who are just angry at God?" Voldemort solicited stupidly; and then he sighed. "Okay, you know what, this has gone too far. I'm sure that most people can tell that I'm not being serious, but if I'm contributing to misinformation and stereotypes, I don't feel comfortable continuing this."
Voldemort pulled an iPhone out of his pocket; and he began to type on it. After a few minutes, he showed the screen to Dumbledore. "See this? I just made a post: 'I am a troll.' It is the last post I will make on that account. Are you happy?"
Dumbledore virtuously ignored the heretic; and he turned to the little ones standing behind his protection. "Students of Hogwarts! This fool will not listen to reason. Let's save this heathen's soul!"
All the little ones got down on their knees; and they raised their hands to the sky; and they screamed to the heavens, in the voices of those who knew they were doing great work, "Lord, please make Voldemort a Gryffindor Hat!"
Voldemort sighed wickedly; and he shook his head godlessly; and then he walked away depravedly. But even as the fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist disappeared into the distance, the righteous little ones continued to pray. They knew that, if they screamed loud enough, they could change the world.
