[Verse 1]
Being autistic is realizing I exist as a dichotomy
One half of me is an idiot, and the other is quite the prodigy
I can tell you what I'm thinking using graph charts and psychology but knowing how to feel is not a thing that comes so obviously
Being autistic means the second I feel interested in anything
I’ll forget I need to rest and lose myself in hours of studying
I built worlds inside my head to organize but I'm discovering
That trusting you to love me doesn't always follow logically
[Chorus]
I think I’m actually autistic
I don't know how the hell you missed it
Yeah, I'm actually autistic
I don't know how you didn't know (oh)
I'm actually autistic
Gift or curse, this mask I wear won't make a difference
Will you believe me if I try? I'll be direct, will you be kind?
I think I need someone who sees it
Yeah, I need someone who sees it
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
[Verse 2]
Being autistic means I give my all in everything I do
Then I burn out and fall apart, usually within a week or two
As I close off and I shut down, sometimes I wish you would reach out and please remind me how I’m gifted and lift me up before I drown. And in my dreams, I feel connection, but they always seem to end
Sometimes I’ll script job conversations, run simulations in my head
I can tell you who I am when I control how you respond to me
But doing it for real requires embracing the uncertainty
Every blessing comes with its fair share of gifts as well as curses. There are times when it takes everything to believe that I'm not worthless
I’ve had people call me stupid, but my friends think I'm a genius
I know they both see half the picture and well the insults I believe in but I'm not used to the support, I'm not used to being known
I’m not used to being trusting, but I'm learning how to hope
I wrote this song because we need it, so we know we're not alone
[Bridge]
I wrote this song because I've learned to accept the way that I'm actually autistic
I don't know how the hell you miss it
Sometimes I'll try rehearsing lines and forcing smiles
But I'm so exhausted now and I need someone who sees it
[Chorus]
Yeah, I'm actually autistic
If you curse this mask out, it won't make a difference
Will you believe me if I try? I'll be direct, will you be kind?
I think I need someone who sees it
Yeah, I'm actually, oh, oh, oh
Yeah, I'm actually, oh, oh, oh
[Verse 3]
Yeah, I'm actually a fragile beating heart
With my own story of acceptance, no one thinks the way we do
I think the world needs our perspective and I don't think that I'm an idiot
I think I'm just afraid of the burden I might feel If I believed that I was great
And I don't think that we hate people I think we're just scared
No one taught us how to know ourselves, of course we're unprepared Believing in a gift that no one else can see requires heart and ours were crushed and we learn that to survive we had to mask the way we are
I've always fought for something better I've kept this inner child alive I've kept him safe in isolation, it hurts like hell but he gets by
He screams when will I learn to thrive and I tell him that I'm working on it
Learning how to trust the process Resting as we strive and oh we've come so far in being honest
Standing on our strengths and reaching out in times of need
Believe me, believe me
[Outro]
Im actually.....
I'm realizing I exist as a dichotomy
I am strong and I am weak. I am everything I ought to be
I will tell you what I can, no expectations
Letting go of a false responsibility
How you respond was never up to me
