[Intro]
Jack: Baked potatoes for four minutes.
Wade: Okay, I am really hungry. Can we stop talking about food?
Bob: I would buy that two-second hot pocket microwaveable.
Wade: Oh, stop!
Bob: Hot pockets.
Jack: Hot pocket! Hot pocket!
[Bob and Mark laughing]
Wade: Assholes! You ready to play UNO?
Bob: [?]
Jack: Hot pocket! Hot pocket!
Wade: Okay, fuck you guys. We're playing.
[Bob laughing]
Mark: All right.
Jack: Okay.
Wade: I'm not gonna sit here and listen to potatoes and pizza and whatnot.
Bob: Ahh. Hot pockets!
Mark: Hey, I'm hungry too. I'm not complaining about it.
Wade: Well, I am complaining about it!
Mark: Well, too bad for you, then!
[Round 1]
Jack: Too bad for you, bitch!
Bob: Hey!
Mark: Too bad.
Bob: Hey, I'm gonna win. I got a really good hand. I'm gonna win.
Mark: ME TOO!
Wade: Nice. Bob's up first.
Bob: Shit.
Jack: I dunno what the fuck I'm doing. Who's---Bob's first.
Bob: Uhhh...
Mark: Yeah! Huh! C'mon, Bob!
Bob: Sorry.
Mark: Oh.
Wade: WOW, screwin' Mark from thе start!
Mark: That's a little...
Wade: Pick a color. Therе you go.
Mark: I don... ugh.
Bob: WHY DID I PICK THAT!? THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO PICK!
[Wade, Jack and Mark laughing]
Jack: From green to green!
Bob: I tried to click on a different one!
Mark: Wait, why does it say "Challenge" or "Decline?" What happens if I ch...
Wade: Because you... if you think you can play one, then...
Bob: HA-HA!
Wade: Oh. Well...
Mark: Oh, wh-hoo-hoops!
Bob: Plus six ca-har-har-hards!?
[Wade laughing]
Jack: What?
Mark: Goddammit!
[Bob laughing]
Jack: What happened?
Mark: I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT DID!
Wade: Mark challenged Bob's +4, thinking he had a green and lost, so Mark had to dr... what?
[Bob laughing hysterically, Jack joins in]
Mark: Well, I dunno---
Wade: Are you shittin' me? Why blue?!?
Mark: W---I didn't---
Wade: Oh, GOOOOD!!
Mark: I tried to do---
[Bob and Jack laughing]
Mark: W---I tried to do something! What the fuck is this game!?
Wade: He-he-here you go. You got skipped because Bob played that card on you.
Bob: It's... it's UNO. Wow, you fucking suck.
Wade: It skipped your turn.
Mark: AWWWWWWH!!
Jack: It's UNO, bro!
Mark: Well, this is a---
Wade: Now you get to play.
Jack: Hey, I'm winnin'...
Mark: This is a bunch of bullshit!
Jack: I'm winning for a brief second.
Wade: Now you skipped Jack.
Mark: Ha-HA!
[Bob laughing]
Wade: I will skip Bob!
Jack: FUCK!
Mark: This game is such...
Bob: Oh, fuck you guys.
Jack: Come on!
[Wade laughing]
Mark: Uhh, I will skip Jack!
Jack: FUCK YOU!!
[Mark and Bob laughing]
Wade: I will... take Jack's hand!
Bob: Oh. I forgot about that shit.
Jack: WHAT!?
Mark: Oh yeah.
Wade: If you play a 7, you can st---oh God.
Bob: I will... take Wade's hand!
[Mark laughing]
Wade: Noooo!
Jack: Okay, this is different UNO than I'm used to. This is fuckin' weird.
[Bob and Wade laughing]
Mark: I will... take Bo- a-take... of... what the fuck does that mean?
[Jack, Bob and Wade laughing]
Wade: Click... Click an arrow!
Mark: Bob... oh, okay! All right, though I didn't know I had to pick!
Bob: Oh my God.
Mark: Fuck!
Jack: Uhhh, I will do...
Wade: Now Jack can play a 7 and take it back.
[Jack, Bob and Wade laughing]
Mark: Jesus Christ! The FUCK IS THIS!?
Bob: What a clusterfuck! What a clusterfuck!
Jack: Thank you!
Wade: Well, I will take this one!
Jack: AHHH-ho-ho-ho-ho!!
[Mark and Bob laughing]
Mark: NOT MY HAND!!
Jack: Come the fuck on!
[Wade laughing]
Bob: Oh, criminies.
Wade: Oh my God.
Mark: Oh boy.
Jack: Please play a 7.
Bob: I don't... I don't have one, or I would.
Jack: You have 3 seconds.
Mark: Go!
Bob: I would play a 7. I want to.
Wade: Oh, my turn!
Mark: HE'S GONNA PLAY A S---
Wade: Here you go, Jack.
Mark: Oh, I thought he was going to play that 7 I had.
Jack: Ah, fuck you.
[Bob snickers]
Wade: It was the only green I had!
Jack: What a fuckin' lame-o.
Mark: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Bob: Hey, welcome to last, Jack! It's the best!
[Wade laughing]
Mark: Bap! Huh, normal card! Bet ya didn't expect that!
Wade: Wow. No, I didn't.
Jack: Wait! Wha-wha-what's "jump in?"
Wade: Press 8--- if you have a green 8, you can press it and jump in. You can click on it.
Jack: Ah, fuckin' tits, I didn't know that!
Mark: Yeah, I tried to do that and it didn't work.
Wade: Well, that's all right. Here, I'll give you another chance.
[Bob snickers]
Bob: Dick. Not blue!
Wade: I had to draw it! It's not like I... wanted to, necessarily.
Jack: Uhhh, I don't know what this is. "Challenge" or "Decline?" What do I do?
Bob: You've got... you've got nothing to lose! Challenge him!
Mark: CHALLENGE IT! CHALLENGE IT! CHALLENGE IT! CHALLENGE IT!
Jack: Oh shit, I didn't! I declined! Fuck!
Mark: CHALLENGE---
Wade: That's probably for the best, 'cause ya would've lost.
Mark: Fucking loser! Loser! Loser!
Wade: You watched me draw those cards!
Mark: I got...
Jack: I don't know what's happening. I went from first to last... v-very quick!
[Bob and Wade laughing]
Mark: Fuckin'... why am I drawing so many cards?
Jack: Oh, Mark's... Mark's catchin' up.
[Jack joins in laughing]
Mark: FUCKING GODDAMMIT!
Jack: I like this game!
Bob: "Why... Why am I drawing so many ca-ha-ha-hards?"
Wade: I'm screwed because I can't win with this hand.
Mark: Ugh, fuck.
Wade: Oh no.
Bob: Oh fuck, that was awesome.
Mark: This game is garbage!
Wade: I don't wanna...
[Bob snickering]
Mark: [mocking Wade] "I don't wanna?"
Wade: Whoo!
Mark: What don't ya wanna do? Win!?
Wade: I've gotta...
Bob: That... That's gonna swap all the hands.
Wade: Somebody's gonna get this hand from me. I can't keep it 'cause I've got... bad cards.
Jack: There we go! Fuckin' dooblie cards, bitches!
Mark: No, I can't!
Wade: Oh God...
Jack: Hey, there ya go! You did it!
[Bob sighs]
Jack: Thank you, buddy.
Bob: Fuck.
Jack: Wade's gonna win.
Wade: No, I can't. I cannot win.
Bob: Uh, I got it. I got this. Don't worry, I got this.
Mark: [mocking Wade] HE CANNOT WIN, GUYS. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. HE CAN'T WIN.
Wade: Well, I'll stack it.
Bob: Oh. Sorry, Jack. Play a draw 2, Jack! You can do it!
Wade: Yeah! Mark's gonna draw 6!
Mark: Oh. No, I'm not!
[Jack laughing]
Jack: Holy shi--- Oh no!
Wade: Oh my God, it's back to Bob!!
Bob: Ohh, fuck me!
Mark: HEYYYY!
Jack: Steamro-ho-ho-holled!
[Mark laughing maniacally]
Bob: All right, well...
[Mark finishes laughing, prompting Jack to laugh]
Wade: Oh no.
Jack: This is fun!
Mark: Oh yeah. Oh yeah!
Wade: No!
Mark: Oh!
Bob: I... I like how...
Wade: NO!!
[Bob and Mark laughing]
Wade: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Jack: Keep it rollin'! Keep it goin'!
Bob: I like how quickly everyone's opinion shifts, like... "THIS FUCKIN' SU... Oh, hey, this is fun!"
Mark: Ha-HA!
[Wade laughing]
Jack: Awwww!
Bob: "Hey, that's neat!"
Mark: Skipped ya right over, Jack. Skipped ya right over. Should've jumped in quicker. Should've jumped in.
Jack: What a dick-o!
Mark: Should've jumped in!
Jack: I didn't have anything to jump in.
Wade: "D-Dicko."
Bob: You know... you know what, though?
[Jack laughing]
Wade: Oh.
Bob: I'm... I'll just... I'm just gonna...
Mark: BOB, NO!!
[Bob snickering]
Mark: Fuck you, Bo-ho-ho-hob! Fuck you, Bob.
[Jack and Bob laughing]
Wade: Tee-hee.
Jack: Aww.
Mark: Ha-HA!
Bob: No!
Jack: Tee-hee!
Mark: Eat shit, Bob!
Bob: Actually, that was only a one-card upgrade for you, Wade. That was kind of a waste!
Wade: I know!
[Bob, Wade and Mark laughing]
Wade: Ohhh!
Bob: Ahhhhh-yi-yiii.
Mark: Do it. Nail 'em.
Jack: Got 'em!
Mark: Fuck.
Jack: Did I do good?
[Wade laughing]
Mark: Ahhh, shit.
Bob: Maybe.
Mark: Challenge!
Jack: Ple-please tell me you have to draw cards.
Bob: It's time to decide whether to challenge. No?
Wade: Oh, wow, Mark won!
Mark: YAAAAAY!
Bob: Ohhhhhhhh!
Jack: FUCK!
Mark: OHHH, EAT SHIT! EAT SHIT!
Bob: Oh-ho-ho-ho, wo-ho-how!
Mark: I don't know what the fuck happened.
Jack: I don't get what that---
Mark: I don't either.
Jack: Yeah, what does that do? What is that?
Bob: If you... if you could... if you could have played a card...
Wade: Because you could play a red card, he challenged it and won.
Mark: I, uh...
Jack: But challenge how? What... what did he challenge?
Bob: If you can play a card... if you...
Wade: He challenged your +4.
Bob: Jack, if you can play a card that's not a Wild, then you... and you play a Wild and he challenges you, then y-you lose the challenge and you draw the cards. So you had a card you could have played aside from the Wild.
Mark: Ha-HA! Eat shit.
Jack: Ohhh, okay.
Bob: The fuck?
Wade: Yeah.
Bob: W-why is it back to me? I don't understand what happened.
Mark: 'Cause I jumped in.
Wade: 'Cause Mark jumped in.
Mark: 'Cause I jumped in.
Jack: Now you lost your turn.
Bob: Oh, well, you fuckin' suck.
Mark: Ha-HA!
Bob: All right, well...
Jack: Man, UNO is fuckin' savage.
Mark and Wade: Yeah.
Mark: Fuckin' wow.
Wade: That's, like, the first normal card I've gotten to play in a while.
Mark: Oh. NO!
[Jack laughing]
Jack: [Mocking Mark] "Oh."
Bob: No, oh no, okay, thank God.
Mark: NOOOO!!
Bob: Thank God, jeez.
[Jack and Wade laughing]
Mark: Ah, fuck you.
Bob: Aw, fuck! Aw, shit! Ah, okay, I got that.
Jack: Fuckin' power stack.
Wade: Wait, no. No, don't! NOOOO!
[Bob laughing]
Wade: Oh, G---Oh, thank God.
[Mark chuckling]
Bob: Nooo! Okay.
Mark: Boooo!
Bob: BOOOOO!
Jack: ...per Dooper.
Wade: I gotta run for a second.
Mark: Yeah, you do.
Bob: Uh, see ya.
Jack: Make your moves quick! Do your turns quick! Running out of time!
Bob: Yeah, do it quick, do it quick, do it quick! Team up against Wade. Well, that's just fucking rude.
Mark: Wait, so... what the f---
Wade: All right, I'm back.
Jack: Well, that's just depressing.
[Mark laughing]
Jack: Good job, Bob.
Bob: Dick.
Wade: Awh, I didn't miss anything. Wait! YOU SKIPPED ME!!
[Mark and Jack laughing]
Wade: A-HOLES!! Okay, blue and yellow are not the colors, guys, please.
Bob: Yeah, no, blue and yellow are cool, man.
Mark: Yeah.
Wade: Oh, fuck.
Mark: They seem good to me.
Jack: What've you got against...
Wade: Oh my God, no! NO!!
[Mark laughing]
Bob and Jack: Yes! Yes!
Mark: Yes!
Bob: Draw car---Ah-ha, ha-ha.
Jack: NOO!
Mark: Uhhh, fuckin'...
Jack: Hey, Wade, have I ever told you the story about Darth Plagueis the Wise?
Wade: No. What's the story?
Bob: Oh God, jeez, okay, well...
Jack: It's a story the Jedi would not tell you.
Wade: Well, tell me! Tell me!
Jack: Fuckin' dick!
Bob: Gee, I wonder what he's gonna do!
[Jack chuckling]
Jack: Uhhhh, titty-titty-titties! Ummm... this one!
Bob: Oh no!
Wade: No, no, no, no, after you!
[Mark and Wade laughing]
Bob: Jesus.
Jack: Aw, shit tits! Uh, sorry, sir, after you!
[Bob and Mark laughing]
Wade: Well, if you insist, I guess I'll play.
Jack: You sprung my trap card!
Mark: Uh, ha-HA!
[Wade laughing]
Bob: NO, NO, MARK, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?
Mark: Ah! Because I HATE you, that's why!
Wade: NOOOOO!!
[Mark and Jack laughing]
Bob: All right, I got a plan. I got a plan, boys.
Wade: Oh NO!
Bob: Yaaaaaay!
Wade: NOOOOOO!!
Jack: WHAT?!?
Wade: UEGH!
Mark: Ohhh, interesting, interesting, interesting.
Wade: 0s make us all rotate our hands.
Mark: Ho-ho! I don't know what I did; I jumped in myself.
Bob: What the fuck?
Jack: Fuck.
Mark: I jumped into myself.
Bob: How did---what---is it a---
Jack: Yeah. Yeah.
Wade: Yeah, you can... you can jump in if you have two of the same card.
Mark: Uah.
Wade: Oh God...
Bob: How about this color?
Wade: This is terrible...
Mark: I CAN'T DO THAT COLOR!! Oh y-y-ye-yes, I can.
Wade: Oh God...
Mark: There we go.
Bob: Aight, I have a serious problem, though.
Jack: Do it again!
Bob: I have a serious problem with this hand.
Mark: FUCK YOU, MAN, I WAS GONNA DO THAT!!
[Jack, Bob and Wade laughing]
Mark: Oh, there we go.
Jack: I'm still losing, though! Fuck!
[Mark chuckling]
