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Opening Act II Lyrics by John Cullum

Pardon My English

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[Doorbell rings once, then twice more.]
[BAUER]
Magda, go see who's making that din
If it's a magazine subscription working his way through college
Don't let him in
[CROWD enters, pushing MAGDA aside.]
Good morning, my good friends, what is it?
Why am I honored with this visit?
Let me guess
It can't be my birthday—that's over
[CROWD]
No!
[BAUER]
Perhaps you want me to run for mayor?
[CROWD]
No, no!
[BAUER]
That leaves me eighteen more questions
[CROWD]
No, no, no, no, no!
[BLAU]
I am the speaker for these honest faces
If you don't mind I shall get down to cases
Your daughter, Ilse, met a man
A man by fate provided
As soon as true romance began
To marry they decided
[BAUER, spoken]
I'm dying here and he's singing
[CROWD]
To marry they decided
[BLAU]
And to that wedding, as we hoped
We all got invitations
But suddenly they both eloped
To unknown destinations
[BAUER]
So what? So what?
[CROWD]
To unknown destinations
[BLAU]
There was, so far as we're concerned
No wedding of your daughter
We want our wedding gifts returned
The presents that we brought her
[MAGDA]
They want their wedding gifts returned
The presents that they brought her
[BAUER, spoken]
Your wedding presents were stolen by robbers
[BLAU, spoken]
It's none of our affair if they were stolen
[CROWD]
There was no wedding and things are slack
So we want our wedding presents back
[BAUER]
You cannot have your presents back
[MAGDA]
Alas, alack, the sky is black
They want their wedding presents back
[CROWD, variously]
We gave her dishes
And we gave gold fishes
And we gave a smoking tray
We gave a cradle
And we gave a ladle
And we gave a load of hay
[CROWD]
On other matters, you'll find us pleasant
But we insist, if there's no wedding, there's no present
We want our dishes
And we want our fishes
And we must have them right away
They took our dishes
And they took our fishes
And it's up to you to pay
Remember, Herr Bauer, what we have to say
No wedding, no present
No tickee, no washee
No tickee, no washee
Good day!
Credits

John Cullum

About “Opening Act II” by John Cullum

Read the complete lyrics to "Opening Act II" by John Cullum from the album "Pardon My English". On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Musicals, Pop.

"Opening Act II" is performed by John Cullum. from the album "Pardon My English" This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Opening Act II", explore more songs by John Cullum using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"Opening Act II" is credited to John Cullum. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Opening Act II" appears on "Pardon My English".

Visit the John Cullum artist page at /artist/john-cullum for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.