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Message From A Jew Lyrics by Jon Stewart

How The _____ Stole Christmas

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Hi people, this is Jon Stewart. You may know me as that guy who used to have that show, but is now six months away from doing an infomercial, purely for cash, because he’s a coke whore. Oops!

Um, at the urging of my good pals, Kevin & Bean, uh, well, maybe not urging, so much like blackmail, but I swear to God, dressed up, usually did, look like a girl. I mean, you know. Kinda, anyway

I was supposed to come up with a recipe for their Christmas tape “How the Juice Stole Christmas.” But I got to be honest with you, the Jews didn’t steal Christmas, alright? When are you going to get over this savior killing thing? I had nothing to do with it, I was with my brother the whole day! Ask around! Actually, I was in my driveway practicing my golf swing, alright? So I didn’t kill your savior! That’s not my bloody yarmulke you found. Not at all

Alright, now here’s your holiday recipe, friends. It goes like this:
Take a country filled mainly with Christians, throw in a couple of Jews that live in New York like me, add a bottle of Scotch, and maybe a dash of bitterness, and what do you get? A shitty Christmas, ladies and gentlemen, that’s right, Jews hate Christmas. You want to know why, because the rest of you people aren’t Jews. While you’re out there celebrating the festive birth of your savior, we’re running around like assholes because the oil lasted longer than we thought. That’s right, that’s what Hanukkah is: a holiday about a bargain. We’re celebrating a bargain for eight fuckin’ days. Pathetic, right?

I tell you, people often ask me, “Jon, what do Jews do for Christmas?” and the answer’s, of course, we sleep late, not a whole lot going on for us that day. Or we work at 24-hour convenience stores, ‘cause you people wanted today off. And if I may, on the subject, maybe a quick point, could you maybe change some of the holiday programming you guys throw in there? How many months of the same show do we have to see? It always ends like this: “I don’t think there’s going to be a Christmas!” “But wait,” gets a little redundant, how many times can I hear a guy, standing in front of his family, going, “I’m the luckiest guy in the world!”

All I’m saying people, let’s heal the wounds of this country. Christian, Jew, Black, Asian, even those funny, smelly people that drive the things. What we need to do is get together, and that’s my recipe this year. Come to my house. Bagel Brunch. You bring the Manischewitz, I’ll bring the dip
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Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart

About “Message From A Jew” by Jon Stewart

Read the complete lyrics to "Message From A Jew" by Jon Stewart from the album " How The _____ Stole Christmas ". On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Holiday, Comedy, Christmas.

"Message From A Jew" is performed by Jon Stewart. from the album " How The _____ Stole Christmas " This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Message From A Jew", explore more songs by Jon Stewart using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for Jon Stewart · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Message From A Jew" is credited to Jon Stewart. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Message From A Jew" appears on " How The _____ Stole Christmas ".

Visit the Jon Stewart artist page at /artist/jon-stewart for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.

2004 College of William & Mary Commencement Address
9/11 Monologue
Appearance on Crossfire
Bullshit
Fox News Diss
Jon’s Big Announcement (Retirement Speech)
Trump’s Executive Orders
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