[Robert Foster]
Welcome to Juice Rap News, our twentieth edition
And we'd like to thank you on this special occasion
For the views, likes and comments since commencing transmission
But enough celebration, we have a topic for your attention:
There's a TV show that's now an international sensation
People tune in each season with avid obsession
It rules the planet and balances the fate of nations
I'm referring of course to Democratic elections
The latest season - Winter - is Coming to Australia
And Aussies have tuned in in droves to finally discover
Who'll claim the throne on the mighty hill of Canberra
Join us, down under as we meet each contender:
We begin with the current Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd
Leader of the Labour Party
[Kevin Rudd]
Listen up
This is K-Rudd, back to smack the track with a K-Rap classic
[Robert Foster]
What are your tactics to engage with the masses?
[Kevin Rudd]
Robert I'll be candid, it's a fact that these other candidates
Are amateurs, out of touch with average families
My twitter feed has one point three million fans on it
Ni Haaaao, bitches! check my Mandarin languages
[Robert Foster]
What's your policy?
[Kevin Rudd]
Let me begin with an apology--
For being so awesome, nah, kidding! ...honestly
Its for the Stolen Generations... SORRY, KIDS!
Now we can forget about colonisation, and move on with shit
And focus on racism in the Northern Territory
Where we can do more damage for later apologies
[Robert Foster]
And the economy?
[Kevin Rudd]
I'll impose a tax on mining profits
Which is sure to be a popular and... AAAACH!
[Robert Foster]
What's this?
[Kevin Rudd]
Stabbed in the back...
[Robert Foster]
By whom?
[Julia Gillard]
It is I!
[Kevin Rudd]
(gasp) The red woman
[Julia Gillard]
I'm assumin' leadership of this party-- I'm a true slaya
[Robert Foster]
Julia Gillard! How will you pander to Australia?
[Julia Gillard]
Listen here, the soothing strains of my nasal song
Are tailored to the an ear; they'll sing along
And with Peter Garret, Penny Wong and Wayne Swan
On harmonies, we're so strong we can't go wrong
We will move forward together... and rise
I'll never implement a carbon tax ever... that's right
And on these cancerous packs we'll have blank designs
And, I will now implement a carbon tax... I mean 'price'
[Robert Foster]
Uh, that's nice... but now let's cross over to have
An opening chat with the Opposition Leader, Tony Abbott
[Tony Abbott]
G'day, Robert, good to be with you
[Robert Foster]
So how will you appeal to the Australian people?
[Tony Abbott]
I've got sex appeal! I'll give em what they want
The other candidates underestimate just what a bunch of cunts
The Australian public actually is
So my first tactic will be not - uh - having breasts
And not being some ranga witch
And whatever this Fanta pants bitch has done as leader, I'll cancel it
To the Australian populace, I say don't fall for this
She's a communist, and she supported a misogynist
[Julia Gillard]
No, I've reached the end of my tolerance tether
I'll not be lectured on misogyny by this man, not ever
He's a sexist Catholic pig, see the irony?
[Tony Abbott]
Aww come on, freckle tits... here's some ironing
Now, quit your bitching, get back in the kitchen
Australia isn't grown-up enough to elect women
[Julia Gillard]
Take a suppository of wisdom, you priest-abuse victim
The people are with me, look at me knitting.... AAAACH!
Shot in the back
[Robert Foster]
Again?
[Kevin Rudd]
Here's Kevin
Back to commence the blood shedding: the red wedding!
With my new look, I'm ready; I'm taking over again!
What do you say to that, Tony, my friend?
[Tony Abbott]
You're bloody rudderless: Time for my budgie smugglers...
What about people smugglers; Labor's never tough as us!
[Kevin Rudd]
Wrong! My new policy is slapping you silly
We'll divert all asylum seekers to Papua New Guinea
[Tony Abbott]
God that's double racism, I need to fight him with something
I'll build a wall in the North to stop the Wildlings from coming
[Kevin Rudd]
Nice try Tony, but you're way out of your depth
I'm from Queensland you piece of shit, that's as racist as it gets
[Tony Abbott]
Ban abortion, and gays... even my sister
[Kevin rudd]
You dickhead
[Tony Abbott]
Stupid fat prime minister
[Robert Foster]
Well, it looks like both sides are equally balanced
But wait, I'm told there might be another challenger
We cross to correspondent Ken Oathcarn, Ken, you with me?
[Ken Oathcarn]
Ken Oathcarn! I'm in London at the Ecuadorian Embassy
[Robert Foster]
We hear that this year there's to be
Another contender seeking a senate seat
[Ken Oathcarn]
That's right! I'm set to speak
With a fella called... um... called...
[Julian Assange]
Julian Assange
[Ken Oathcarn]
Ta mate. Julian Assange
He's running for the Senate in these electoral races
I like him - he keeps saying "courage is cunt... something"
[Julian Assange]
Contagious
[Ken Oathcarn]
Outrageous! But, mate, with this whole look you got going on
You got Buckley's hope of getting votes in from
All the Sheilas and Blokes back home in OZ, but
What you need's a make-over
[Julian Assange]
Err... Ok, but...
[Ken Oathcarn]
Good onya!
Strewth! this came out even better than I'd hoped
I'm feeling it! Are you feeling it?
[Julian Assange]
Bloody Oath
[Ken Oathcarn]
Now you're ready to go hard in Australian politics
What message do you wanna say to the populace
[Julian Assange]
We have the chance to turn the pages over
We can write what we want to write
We gotta make things leak, so we can get much bolder
We're all wire-tapped now
We're all being fed lies
Not long till we get all of the rats out
Once we turn on all the lights
You're the light that the world's demanding
Make it bright and make things clear, oh, woah
We're not gonna sit in darkness
We're not gonna live with fear, oh, woah
[Robert Foster]
Err... well, Ken, thanks for that enlightening update
On the latest candidate to arrive in the race
Kevin, Julia, Tony -- thanks also for your time today
Good luck to you all in this violent campaign
And as Aussies head to the ballots to vote
We wish them wisdom, and vision beyond the dramatics and smoke
The Game of Polls is a spectacular show of course
Chances are the next season is coming soon to your shores
And the first season of our own show is a wrap too
But we eagerly look forward to bringing you back through
Brand new episodes with heavy doses of that juice
Robert Foster, The Internet, reporting for Rap News
