—microwave oven, a forty-six inch Sony big screen television set, and finally, a two thousand dollar cashier's check made out to you
Oh, wow
Now, Mike, knowing that one of those five awards is definitely yours, I'd like to say congratulations again. How does all that sound for a lot of great news today?
Well, that sounds fantastic, sir
Alright, fantastic. Now, like any other promotion, there are only two things we would like to see you do for us while you're in the process of claiming your award. One is, after you receive the award, take a picture of yourself with it, send that back to us, so we can use it for promotional purposes
Okay
Now, in approximately sixty days, the company will be calling you back with shipping instructions on one of those five fabulous awards
Oh, wow
Now, second, like any other promotion, we ask that you become a first time customer of ours by trying one of our health and energy products. What we're using is a tested and proven vitamin and mineral program called Universal Life. Now, Mike, do you currently take vitamins?
Yes
Okay, fantastic. Mike, these are the finest vitamins on the American market today. Of course, that is my opinion. Uh, I do take them, as well as my wife and children. Okay, that's five tablets a day, they supply most of your daily requirements from A to zinc. Now, these are non-allergenic and they are derived from all natural products
Okay
It also has what's called a special sustained time release formula, now, that ensures the maximum benefit throughout the day. Now, we have these boxed up in a twelve month supply. During the promotion, Mike, you're receiving that vitamin program for exactly six hundred and ninety-eight dollars. In the same package is going to be your major award certificate, that officially guarantees one of the five major awards. Now Mike, have you ever won a major award?
Yeah
Okay, fantastic
I won the lottery here
Really?
Yeah
Fabulous! Well, Mike, your good fortune is continuing, and I'll tell you what, if you get that Cadillac Coupe Deville, you better send me a bottle of champagne!
Okay
Okay, now, it won't be a problem getting a picture of you or a loved one with the award, correct?
Uh, there is something standing in my way
Okay, uh, what would be the best time of day for us to deliver?
Umm... uh, could you talk to the Parochial Nimrod?
What's that?
Huh?
What are you talking about, Mike?
Well, that's the thing that's standing in my way
What's standing in your way?
Parochial Nimrod
What's that?
I'm, I'm, I'm afraid I don't know how to handle it
You don't know how to handle what?
The Parochial Nimrod
Mike, I— what, what are you talking about?
What, what, how to handle this from here on
You don't know how to handle what? The award?
Yeah
What do you mean?
Well, the, the, Nimbostratus Brick
Okay. Mike, what I need is the expiration date on the Visa
The Clickit
Pardon me, Mike?
Um, Zackit?
What is the expiration date on your Visa?
Um, uh, 10/92
10 of '92?
Okay, now, what I need, there's some— what's going on over there? I keep hearing, seems like you're fading out or something
It's that Nimrod
Your nimrod?
Yeah
Okay. What I need is the long number that begins with a four. Read that to me slowly—
*Gibberish*
I need the long number that begins with a four, Mike
*Gibberish*
Hello?
Yeah. Okay, what I need is the long number that begins with a four
*Gibberish*
Mike! What is going on over there?
It's the Parochial Ramrod
The Parochial Ramrod? What are you, what are you doing?
Well, I'm trying to tell you, sir, that that's going to pose a problem
That's the only problem, is your Parochial Rimrod?
Yeah
Are you taking medication, Mike?
Mm-hm
Uh, am I st— am I still eligible to be a recipient of these fine awards?
Yes, what I need is the long number that begins with a four
*Gibberish*
Long number that begins with a four
*Gibberish*
Long number that begins with a four
Long—
What I need is the long number that begins with a four, Mike
Hello?
Mike, where is your Parochial Rimrod? Where is that?
Um, I've, I think I might've told you the wrong thing. It's, um, I think it's a Rhinoceros Dickrod
A Rhinoceros Dickrod
Mike, did you take your medication today?
Mike, what I need, go grab your Visa
Read me the long number that begins with a four
Hey, Mike?
Hello?
Hello, Mike?
Yeah?
Okay. Grab your Visa. Do you understand what's going on?
Yeah
Okay. Go grab your Visa
I've got it
Okay, read me the long number that begins with a four
Uh, two, eight, seven, four, eight, three, six
Four
Look, Mike. Hello, Mike?
Yes.
Mike, my name is Frank Mathis, I'm the promotional director. If you are not interested in taking part in this promotion, simply tell us you're not interested. This is a long distance call, that we are paying for
Oh, I'm very interested, sir
Either you're interested, or you're not interested. If you are interested, what we are gonna need to finish up the paperwork would be the account number beginning with a four on the Visa. Do you have that information handy?
Yes, I do, sir
Okay, well, what we're gonna need is the long number that begins with a four
Okay
Alright, do you have that there?
Yeah
Okay, Mike, you have some sort of noise interference. Again I can't tell you what it is—
No, I don't
You don't what?
I don't have it
You don't have what?
I don't have any interference
Okay. Now, you got the number begins with a four?
Yes
Alright. Read that to me slowly
Okay
Alright
Okay
You betcha
Alright now, now read the number that begins with a four
You bet. Not a problem
Read the number, Mike
I can accommodate you there, sir
Okay, well, Mike, again, if you're not interested, simply say you're not interested
I'm very interested, sir
I beg your pardon?
I'd have to be crazy to turn down these wonderful prizes
Well, again, Mike, again, it, uh, we do not appreciate the ridicule. If you're not interested, just forget the sarcasm. All you got to do is simply say "I'm not interested". If you are interested, then this is what we're gonna need
Well, do I have to provide a gridicular buttrod?
If the bill was going on your number, then again, I think you would be a little more serious with me
Well, I need a gridicular giraffe rod
Mike, do you have any idea what's going on here? Do you have any idea what, what we're explaining to you?
Um, you mentioned something about a Gary Coleman nimrod?
Mike, Mike, I, Mike, Mike, are you under any kind of medication?
Huh?
Have you taken any medication today?
*Sigh*
If you're under some form of, of medication, I can't get back in touch with you
You can?
I can't. Okay, I'm not gonna, you know, I don't want you going into a seizure or anything if you need to take any medication right now
Um
What I can do is I can give you a call back, some time when you're a little more sedated
Oh, I'm perfectly fine
Okay, well, again, then uh, then, again, we go over this round and around. All I'm gonna need, if you are interested, is the number that begins with the four
Okay
Now, read me the number. This is the last time I'm going to ask you, Mike. If you're not interested, tell me you're not interested. If you're interested right now, read me the number beginning with the four
Okay, um, it's in, it's in my saxophone, I'm gonna have to dig it out
Mike, again, I mean, you can joke all you like. Alright? Okay?
What?
You can joke all you wanna joke, again, that's completely up to you. It's not my award. If you don't want it, we will simply give it to someone else in your area
Well, my— it's, the card's in my saxophone
Uh-huh. Well, Mike, do you have any clue how ridiculous you sound?
Well, I don't think that's very nice
Well, again, Mike. I mean, either, you, you, two seconds ago you have the card there, now you don't have the card
I dropped it
Oh, alright, Mike. Well, listen, I'm gonna be honest with you
You know, if you had any clue to what you're talking about, or any idea what we're doing here for you here today, I know you would've participated
Well, I'm trying to be a participant
Well no, no, Mike, you're not trying to. Alright, if you are interested, then simply read me the number beginning with the four. This is the way we bill the account for the amount of the charge
I dropped it in my xylophone
Oh, alright. Well, Mike, what I can suggest you do is get yourself some medical help. Okay?
What's the problem?
Okay, well again, I don't appreciate the sarcasm. If you're not interested simply tell us you're not interested
I don't think that's very friendly
Mike, you're, I'm telling you Mike, you're hysterical. And you know, I'd love to sit here and waste my valuable time on you, but unfortunately I have a board meeting to go to. I do want you to know that you are turning the award down
No, I'm not
Well, Mike, again, unless you're going to cooperate with me here, and give me the information I need in order to fill out the paperwork, I am going to have to let you go
How about if I perform, uh, taekwondo on you?
Well, again, Mike, if that's what you feel you'd like to do, feel free, okay? If you could perform your taekwondo over the phone, again, I'd really love to see that
Alright?
Yo, shut the fuck up, Chico, man!
