[ open on Freedman Jones sitting in a tavern, as Abraham Lincoln enters and sits next to him ]
Abraham Lincoln: [ to the bartender ] Can I get a coffee?
[ the bartender hands Lincoln a coffee in a pewter mug ]
Abraham Lincoln: Thank you. [ glancing at Jones ] Hey.
Freedman Jones: [ disinterested ] Mmm-hmm.
Abraham Lincoln: How's it going? You going -- it's going good, huh?
Freedman Jones: I'm sorry?
Abraham Lincoln: It's just, uh... you know, you're all emancipated. It's good, right? I'm, uh...
Freedman Jones: I know who you are.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh? Okay. Oh. I just...
Freedman Jones: [ standing ] Hey! Everybody? Hey! I just want to thank --
Abraham Lincoln: No, no...
Freedman Jones: President Lincoln here for, uh... for everything that he's done for me! Especially my NEW job -- of shoveling HORSE SHIT... into a wagon!
[ Lincoln appears stung ]
Freedman Jones: [ sitting ] Is that what you want?
Abraham Lincoln: I-I just don't... I don't have any...
Freedman Jones: You don't have any...?
Abraham Lincoln: Black friends.
Freedman Jones: [ to the bartender, as he stands to leave ] He's gonna pay for this. [ to Lincoln ] Hard to be you!
[ cut to "Lincoln" theme song, "Louie, Louie, Louie..." lyrics replaced with "Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln..." ]
[ Lincoln runs up a subway platform ]
[ SUPER: "LINCOLN" ]
[ Lincoln runs into a calzone shop ]
[ SUPER: "STARRING ABRAHAM LINCOLN" ]
[ as he eats his calzone, a passerby gives Lincoln the middle finger ]
[ SUPER: "EDITED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN" ]
[ Lincoln heads into the Comedy Cellar ]
[ SUPER: "TELEPLAY BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN" ]
[ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]
Abraham Lincoln: The one thing I'm really tired of... is... arguing with slave owners about slavery. As if they're not just fucking assholes! Like that's realllly hard. And they're like, "Oh! But I like owning people!" "Yeah, no, no... I get it. I totally get that." Like you gotta act like you're kinda cool with it. "No, look -- if I could own a couple of dudes, I'd LOVE to own a couple of dudes! I totally get it." You gotta act like this is... like a 50-50 issue. You know, I just kinda think... that owning a person... is NOT cool, you stupid dick!
[ cut to Lincoln at home with Mary Todd ]
Mary Todd Lincoln: Do you have the tickets?
Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, I have the tickets.
Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well, don't just "Yeah, I have the tickets." Like, I don't want to show up and then not have the tickets.
Abraham Lincoln: I HAVE them! I mean, they're gonna let us in. It's fine.
Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well... I'm just saying, I don't want to get there, and then they just won't let us in without a ticket...
Abraham Lincoln: They'll let us in! They'll let us in! I'm the PRESIDENT!
Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh. Okay. So, then, they'll just give you special treatment because you're "The President." Like, when does it stop, you know?
Abraham Lincoln: It stops AT the President! Okay? If you're the President -- or higher -- you get in stuff, tickets or not! Everybody else, no; me, yes!
[ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]
Abraham Lincoln: I'm married now. My wife is, uh... is crazy. Literally... historically insane. One thing I'm really sure of... is that somebody’s gonna murder me. I just KNOW... I'm totally getting murdered! This is not even a question. Like when they murder me -- whoever murders me -- when I get murdered... it's just gonna say: "It Happened!" And you're just gonna know what "It" is. And then, I don't... you know who I feel bad for? The detective who has to try to solve my murder. Because they're gonna go, "Let's see, who might... who might have done it? Oh, I don't know -- everybody from the middle of the country down? Maybe they... maybe one of them did it." Maybe they had a motive, like I ruined the way they do EVERYTHING?
[ fade to black ]
[ SUPER: "CREATED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN" ]
[ return to Lincoln sitting in the tavern, this time with JP ]
[ SUPER:
"GUEST STARRING
MARY TODD LINCOLN
FREEDMAN JONES
FREEDMAN JENKINS" ]
Abraham Lincoln: Hey, uh... it's cold, huh?
[ SUPER:
"Unit Production Manager
U.S. GRANT
First Assistant Director
HANNIBAL HAMLIN
Second Assistant
ANDREW JOHNSON" ]
Abraham Lincoln: Lordy...
Freedman Jenkins: Hey, so no one's SHOT you yet?
[ SUPER:
"Original Music by
THOMAS "TAD" LINCOLN" ]
Abraham Lincoln: [ stung ] No. no, not yet.
[ fade ]
