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(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics by Linda Hart, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Kerry Butler

Hairspray (Original Broadway Cast Recording)

2002

[TRACY, spoken]
Well, I brought my own 45s, so
If you just put 'em on, I’ll show you my stuff!
[LOU ANN, spoken]
Haven't you already shown us enough?
*councilgirls laughing*
[VELMA]
Oh my God, how times have changed!
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin’ act!
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!
'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze
While belting high Cs and preparing soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Proceed
[TAMMY]
Are you scared we're on live?
[TRACY]
No, I'm sure I can cope
[AMBER]
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
CinemaScope!
[VELMA]
I never drank one chocolate malt, no
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
[COUNCIL MEMBER]
How many sweaters do you own?
[AMBER]
Well, I'm sure, I’ve got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
No, wait, I have twenty!
[VELMA]
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs!
A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead, but left tons of money
So I bought this station
[VELMA AND COMPANY]
So all of our nation could see
[VELMA, spoken]
Baby Amber and me!
[AMBER]
Do you dance like you dress?
[LINK]
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
[VELMA]
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
*Gasps*
[TRACY, spoken]
I sure would!
I’m all for integration, it's the new frontier!
[VELMA, spoken]
Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?
(sung)
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You’ll never be in
[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
So we're kicking you out!
[VELMA]
You can't get past me, kid, but it isn't your fault
It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha-ha!
(spoken)
Oh, you may go
[TRACY, spoken]
Uh, thank you?
[PENNY, spoken]
Gee Tracy, that went well!
[LITTLE INEZ, spoken]
Hello, may I please audition?
[VELMA, spoken]
No, but you can bow and exalt
(sung)
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Crabs, Crabs!
[VELMA]
Crabs!
Credits
Linda Hart

Linda Hart

Marissa Jaret Winokur

Marissa Jaret Winokur

Kerry Butler

Kerry Butler

About “(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs” by Linda Hart

Read the complete lyrics to "(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" by Linda Hart, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Kerry Butler from the album "Hairspray (Original Broadway Cast Recording)" in 2002. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Soundtrack, Broadway, Musicals.

"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is performed by Linda Hart, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Kerry Butler. from the album "Hairspray (Original Broadway Cast Recording)" in 2002 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs", explore more songs by Linda Hart, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Kerry Butler using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is credited to Linda Hart, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Kerry Butler. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" appears on "Hairspray (Original Broadway Cast Recording)" in 2002.

Visit the Linda Hart, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Kerry Butler artist page at /artist/linda-hart for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.