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(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics by Michelle Pfeiffer

Hairspray (Soundtrack to the Motion Picture)

2010

[VELMA]
Front step, cha-cha-cha
Back step, cha-cha-cha
Side step, front step
Back, and turn
[TRACY, spoken]
Oh my God, Penny, there's Link. Link! I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!
[PENNY, spoken]
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!
[VELMA]
Front step, cha-cha-cha
Back step, cha-cha-cha
Side step, front step
Back, and tu-
(spoken)
Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew!
Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since crowned Miss-
[AMBER, spoken]
Oh Mother, not more ancient history!
[VELMA]
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
These girls must be blind or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
(spoken)
Amber! That move is far too dirty!
[AMBER]
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930
[VELMA]
You can laugh, but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that!
Remember, mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
[AMBER]
These steps are perfect ammunition
[VELMA]
Let me show you how your Mommy dear
Took out the competition
Girls, go get 'em
Boys, let's rumba
One, two, three, four
Five, six, seven
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!
(spoken)
Boys, put me down
Oh, good morning ladies
Let's see what you got
[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, mambo
[VELMA]
Ready? Begin
On my show, you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind
[AMBER]
What's that? A dance for fleas and ticks?
[VELMA]
Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!
Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting Aida and preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
[Instrumental Break]
[VELMA]
Proceed
[TAMMY]
Are you scared we're on live?
[TRACY]
No, I'm sure I can cope
[AMBER]
Well, this show isn't broadcast in-
[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Cinemascope!
[VELMA]
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
[AMBER]
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes
[VELMA]
Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date 'til Daddy buys her a new nose
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs
[AMBER]
Do you dance like you dress?
[LINK]
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
[VELMA]
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
[TRACY, spoken]
I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier!
[VELMA, spoken]
Not in Baltimore, it isn't. And may I be frank?
(sung)
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out!
With your form and your face
Oh, but it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(spoken)
Eh, you may go. 
[TRACY, spoken]
Um, thank you?
[PENNY, spoken]
I think they secretly liked you!
[LITTLE INEZ, spoken]
May I please audition?
[VELMA, spoken]
Hahaha, of course not!
But you may bow and exalt
(sung)
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Crabs, crabs, crabs!
Credits
Michelle Pfeiffer

Michelle Pfeiffer

About “(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs” by Michelle Pfeiffer

Read the complete lyrics to "(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" by Michelle Pfeiffer from the album "Hairspray (Soundtrack to the Motion Picture)" in 2010. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Pop, Soundtrack, Tango.

"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is performed by Michelle Pfeiffer. from the album "Hairspray (Soundtrack to the Motion Picture)" in 2010 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs", explore more songs by Michelle Pfeiffer using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is credited to Michelle Pfeiffer. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" appears on "Hairspray (Soundtrack to the Motion Picture)" in 2010.

Visit the Michelle Pfeiffer artist page at /artist/michelle-pfeiffer for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.