I met a guy in July.
I remember the day too, it was the 13th.
I don’t know if that makes it an unlucky day or a lucky one.
meeting this dude revived a side of me I thought was dead.
It’s like meeting your shadow or seeing your reflection in the mirror with a different expression.
The summer that I spent by his side was like fireworks
Like most things, our fling didn’t last long…
In fact, it was both puzzling and stimulating cause you never knew what to expect from him and vice versa.
He'd pull away from me and then come right back like a boomerang.
Our tug of war went on for about a year.
Our connection at this point wasn't making sense for either of us.
It felt toxic. I could feel it draining me.
The sex, the jealousy, the temptation, the betrayal, the fire, the ice, the unknown... his energy had a hold on me.
I wrote poem after poem about him from the moment I met him.
because what felt like love hit me like a wildfire;
It came (I came) and it burned me slow and boy was I feeling that agony.
I was in denial of my feelings for a long time, though.
Everyone knew how much I loved him.
Everyone except me.
But I knew there was something.
Took me long enough, but eventually I cracked and confessed my profound emotions to his best friend.
He warned me not to tell him because his kind hunted for pleasure and nothing more.
A curious and brave cat, by nature,
I refused to listen,
so I decided to admit how I felt.
And as a Capricorn, I must say, I do not like to elaborate on my emotions to people often
and when I do so, 9 times out of 10, I sound like a fool.
I'm not skilled at matters of the heart.
*Inhales and blurts out said emotion at most inappropriate moment possible*
I froze at that moment.
I felt like I was in the middle of a collision between two trucks.
Feeling so vulnerable and looking him in the eyes was shaking me to death.
I stumbled upon every single word.
I sounded like a fucking stuttering mule saying “I-I-I-Th-h-ink-I-I-I-L-l-l-love-Y-y–you”
You should've seen his eyes.
He didn’t know how to react.
He got nervous and his palms began to sweat
I stopped for a moment, I hadn’t yet realized the words that had flown out of my mouth.
He told me that everyone falls in love with him,
but that’s a lie.
I was the only one who really ever cared enough to notice him.
Those words made me feel like an ant.
I looked at the sea we overlooked and I wanted to just drown in all the rejection I felt.
We continued to talk about so many things.
Shook off the awkward emotion conversation and carried on.
We were sharing thoughts and that amazed me far beyond belief.
diving deep into our conversations would always turn us on a little... talk about sapio-sexuality, eh.
but when I leaned in for my kiss I'm so used to having,
He refused it.
but hugged me and he kissed me on the forehead instead.
I cried the Atlantic Ocean the next day.
In fact, I banged my head against the wall in pain because I felt so lost.
I didn’t understand what was happening to me.
It's as if he had became everything and I became nothing.
Feeling like an ant isn’t compared to what I felt when those tears ran down my face like that.
I felt like I belonged in an insane asylum.
I felt like I was just going mad... over a boy.
loving another human is fucking weird, man.
A few days later we spoke again.
He sent me a poem that was just as unexpected as me falling in love with him.
He states that his feelings are reciprocated.
(the pushing and pulling I mentioned above)
*rolls third eye here*
I think that since then I’ve understood the words pride and fear more than ever.
When I first met him, he said he was a prideful individual.
I couldn’t help but agree.
He hates admitting how lovely my energy is around him. He feels it makes him weak, he thinks love is weakness.
So he suppresses it and puts his manly mask on.
It terrified him to know there was a jewel like myself who could love a simple rock like him. He couldn't wrap himself around the idea.
It was unrealistic.
I learned much from that connection.
I loved the man who was looking back at me in the mirror.
While this love was not so romantic, it hit the deepest point of my soul so much so that I evolved from it.
That love was like magic to me
and I was staring at the fucking magician.
