(Charlie’s home is a one room tumbledown shack under a railway arch. He finds his grandparents waiting, as they always are, all four of them in the same old bed. As they wait for their cabbage soup to boil, Charlie notices there’s just time for a story, the only question is: which story should it be?)
[CHARLIE, spoken]
Ten minutes till dinner, just enough time to hear the story of Willy Wonka!
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE, spoken]
Didn’t we tell you the story of Willy Wonka last night?
[CHARLIE, spoken]
No…
[GRANDPA JOE, spoken]
I have a distinct recollection of telling you the story of Willy Wonka just last night.
[GRANDPA GEORGE, spoken]
And the night before that.
[CHARLIE, spoken]
I don’t mean to be rude, Grandpa Joe, but you are getting a bit old
and, well, maybe a bit forgetful?
[GRANDPA JOE]
Have we really never ever told the boy about him?
[CHARLIE]
Not once!
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE]
Well, for his entire life the tot has not once told a lie.
[CHARLIE]
I told you so.
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
But can we answer all his queries?
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
Can we cover all the theories?
[GRANDPA JOE]
All the bed's a stage so, dearies,
[GRANPA JOE, JOSEPHINE, GEORGE & GEORGINA]
Let us try!
[GRANDPA JOE]
What a clever man he is
This Mr. Wonka
There's so many tales to tell
All about the tasty sweets
That made the people
Gather round for just one smell
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
Children gnawed
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
While in their rompers
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
Chocolate eggs between their chompers
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE]
Till a tiny bird was perched upon their tongue
[GRANPA JOE, JOSEPHINE, GEORGE & GEORGINA]
Yes, Mr. Willy Wonka
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
Has a sex appeal what makes me feel young!
There I said it!
[GRANDPA GEORGE, spoken]
Oh, you little minx!
[GRANDPA JOE]
From all around the world
They called on Mr. Wonka
Kings and queens and presidents
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE]
Even down in Rome
The Pope left home
And in the fact'ry took up residence
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
Dalai Lamas and their mamas
Had such episodes and dramas
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
Even Gandhi got himself into a brawl
[GRANDPA JOE]
For Mr. Willy Wonka
[GRANPA JOE, JOSEPHINE, GEORGE & GEORGINA]
We all sing for he's the king of them all
[GRANDPA JOE]
There were sugar balloons
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
And macaroons
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE]
'T'were feathery sweets
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
And marshmallow treats
[GRANDPA JOE]
Transforming wheezing geezers to a child
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
And let me say that Mr. Willy Wonka
Whips a swirl what makes a girl go wild
Well, he does!
[CHARLIE, spoken]
Tell the one about the Indian Prince
The one about Prince Pondicherry
[GRANDPA JOE, spoken]
Oh, you like the scary ones, don’t you, Charlie?
(sung)
Willy Wonka went to India
Near the kingdom of Madras
Where he met Prince Pondicherry
Who was rich but awfully crass
He had wed a Maharani
Who craved chocolate for each meal
So he called up Willy Wonka
And he said
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
"Let's make a deal!
I will pay a million rupee
For a house to please her belly
We will be the talk of Punjab
And the toast of old New Delhi!"
[GRANDPA JOE]
"I will gladly build this fortress", Wonka said
"But just one thing…
It will be nice for the winter
But it won't last past the spring"
[GRANPA JOE, JOSEPHINE, GEORGE & GEORGINA]
"For the sun will make a river
Of this chocolate Taj Mahal
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE]
"And you'll end up in hot chocolate
With your chocolate femme fatale
[GRANDPA JOE, spoken]
But the prince, he wouldn't listen
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
"Use a bonbon for the dome
I won't rest until my missus
Eats me out of house and home"
[GRANDPA JOE]
And so Wonka built a showplace
But when Summer came around
All the walls began to melt
Till every ceiling hit the ground
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE]
And the prince and princess perished
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
Drowning in the chocolate flow
[GRANDPA JOE]
Yes, they died 'cause they were greedy
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
Ah, but what a way to go!
[GRANDPA JOE]
Oh, but Charlie, then the spies came
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE]
Fickelgruber…
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
Prodnose…
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
And Slugworth!
[GRANDPA JOE, spoken]
Stealing every new invention as soon as it appeared.
Wonka closed down the factory and no chocolate was made for a very long time…
But then one night the lights came back on again
And strange shadows appeared at the windows.
Yes! The factory was up and running again!
But how?
Nobody’s ever got in and nobody’s ever come out.
And that is one of the great mysteries of the chocolate making world.
Yes, the smoke returned to the chimneys
But the gates stayed locked and chained
And strange shadows…
[JOSEPHINE, GEORGE AND GEORGINA]
Ghostly shadows!
[GRANDPA JOE, spoken]
Appeared at the window, unexplained
[JOSEPHINE, GEORGE AND GEORGINA]
Yes, out went Fickelgruber, Prodnose, Slugworth
[GRANDPA GEORGE, spoken]
No one went in, which is quite bizarre.
[GRANDPA JOE]
But the factory churned
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
And the sweets returned
[GRANPA JOE, JOSEPHINE, GEORGE & GEORGINA]
If we could only afford one bar!
So, Charlie, now you're up to date on Willy Wonka
Now you know what he's about
Though it's a crying shame that no one's going in
At least the chocolates still come out
[GRANDPA JOE]
Now once again each mother's daughter
Feels her mouth begin to water
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE]
In Brazil they gave up coffee
For a taste of Wonka toffee
[GRANDPA GEORGE]
Now each nose with sense olfactory
Thinks the fact'ry's satis-snack-tory
[GRANDMA GEORGINA]
For a single whiff I might commit a crime!
[GRANPA JOE, JOSEPHINE, GEORGE, GEORGINA & CHARLIE]
Yes, Mr. Willy Wonka's…
[GRANDPA JOE, spoken]
Like I said
[GRANPA JOE, JOSEPHINE, GEORGE, GEORGINA & CHARLIE]
…A man ahead of his time!
[GRANDMA JOSEPHINE, spoken]
I’ve still got it!
[GRANDPA JOE, spoken]
I’ve slipped a disk.
[GRANDPA GEORGE, spoken]
I think I need a pee.
[GRANDMA GEORGINA, spoken]
I think I just had one.
