[Verse 1: Offbeat]
Hello there and welcome, I'm glad you could make it
On this trip to one of Britain's deadliest places
Now keep your wits about you in this strange and distant land
As we go on a quest to find the great British lad
A couple housekeeping tips I need to quickly mention
Please no flash photography, you'll only draw attention
Soak yourself up in aftershave and use it as a mask
And put this skin-tight t-shirt on to act as camouflage
Now that's all been covered, we're ready to get started
There's a pack of lads now
Just look at their markings!
Their unique tattoos differ them from rival gangs
A bunch of Chinese symbols
And a couple tribal bands
There's six of them in total
And although they're mostly social
They're likely to attack another pack if they're not local
They operate collectively, and often have a tendency to urinate in public places just to mark their territory
[Chorus: Nicola Jayne]
Welcome to the jungle, it's a hostile terrain
A dangerous location for predators and prey
It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day
But when night falls it turns into a very different place
[Verse 2: Offbeat]
Let's take a closer look at this group in particular
Hands up anybody here who knows this bit of trivia
What two traits does the alpha male exhibit?
Yes, you in the back? (He's the loudest and the biggest!)
Correct, now in this group Gav is the leader
And he's in charge of all the males who are weaker
When it comes where to go he makes the selection
And when he cracks a joke they all laugh without exception
The females of the species also has degrees of status
But their rank is measured on a slightly different basis
The queen bee is usually the one who's the most attractive
So being alpha-lad comes with another big advantage
The system is accepted and must always be respected
As failure to comply can cause a lad to get ejected
This might not seem fair to you ― and I agree, it isn't
But out here in the jungle, it's survival of the fittest
[Chorus: Nicola Jayne]
Welcome to the jungle, it's a hostile terrain
A dangerous location for predators and prey
It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day
But when night falls it turns into a very different place
[Verse 3: Offbeat]
Now I know that you came here, for one main reason
To see the British lad during mating season
And now that he's drunken up, it only seem right
To try and find a partner to take home for the night
There's more men than women, which is always the way
So they engage in a complex course of display
This can range from anything, from dancing to posing, to telling her about the kind of car that he's owning
Don't look now ― but I think we got a match!
Gav spotted Tracy, and she thinks he's a catch!
They're grinding on the dancefloor, but just before they leave, they're greeted by her ex mating partner called Steve
Neither will back down, so a violent fight ensues
Where everything from foreheads to beer bottles are used
Steve is victorious, so on this occasion Gav goes home with a kebab, to watch Babe Station
[Chorus: Nicola Jayne]
Welcome to the jungle, it's a hostile terrain
A dangerous location for predators and prey
It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day
But when night falls it turns into a very different place
[Outro: Offbeat]
I know it's bad
I wanna be a lad
I wanna drink like lads
Think like lads
It's sad
I know it's bad
I wanna crawl like lads
I wanna brawl like lads
It's mad
