Bro I ain't writing this, this shit is 17 mins
Well I am, very slowly
[Narrator: Peanuts]
Alright, so there’s this guy, right?
And his name's Christopher Clementine, and his dad died, and, uh, he left him a bunch of money
And his dad always loved to watch fucking movies with him
They had such a blast watching movies. And when his dad died, he left him all this, all this money right?
His life insurance policy, so he packed up everything that he had and he went to Hollywood
But when he was in Hollywood, all he tried to do was be the greatest fucking writer and movie director of all time
It wasn't so easy. He went all around fucking Hollywood and nobody liked his shit
They said he sucked, they said he was just ripping off Quentin Tarantino and all these motherfuckers man
So you know what he did, he was walking home one day after getting shit on, and he saw this guy named David Weinstein
And he said “Hey Weinstein”, Weinstein was wearing a robe, had his dick out flopping around eating a fuckin’ donut
So he goes up to him and he's like, “Yo man, I got this crazy idea for a movie, man”. And he goes, “Get the FUCK OUTTA HERE, KID!!!”
And he freaks out man, he goes home and on his way home he sees this super hot Australian chick
And this ho- hot Australian chick sh- she lives in apartment 2B, get it? To be or not be, is it his love?
I don't know, but he's too much of a pussy to talk to her. He's only got like, 2 grand left ‘cause it's been ten years since his dad died
And then he tells himself he's gonna create something special, something amazing. Now everybody's telling him tha-tha-that he can write man
You know they’re saying “Look kid you got a heart, man, but your just biting everybody”, so you know what he does?
He goes to the fucking store, and then he comes back home, and he sits down in front of a Smith Corona Typewriter from the 1950’s and he says
“I'm gonna fucking sit here and I’m not going anywhere, until I finish, the greatest script of all fucking time”, right?
Because he loves to write movies about bank robberies, man. Fucking, the greatest fucking heist film of ALL TIME, alright?
So this dude sits down and he says “I'm not leaving til it's done”, but then he forgets he forgot that he forgot to get coffee at the fucking SUPER MAQUETTE!
So you know what he does? He gets out, and then he goes in the fucking elevator, and he's on his way to the super maquette and that’s when he sees, Penelope, the hot beautiful Australian from 2B or not to be
And she's just standing there in the elevator smokin' fuckin' hot
Huge tits, fat ass, perfect fucking face, man
And she's holding this box, man. And then, and then Christopher Clementine
That's the main characters name. He goes, “WHATS IN THE BOX!”. And she FREAKS OUT
Then he- and she's like, “What the fuck are you talking about?”, and he's like “What's in the box?”
She's like, “What?”, and he's like Brad Pitt, “What's in the box?”
And she's like, “What the fuck are you talking about?”, and he's like “Seven, Brad Pitt”, and she goes “Oh my god I love Brad Pitt”, and he goes “I know, right?”
Mind you, he would never talk to this chick before, he doesn't even know where he conjured the fucking, self esteem and the motivation to do it
But he left an impression. So he goes to the fucking Super Maquette and he comes back, and who does he see?
He sees Penelope. And he finds out, that she, loves film, and she came all the way from fucking Australia to be the biggest movie producer In the fucking universe, man
So it's like, it's like these u- it's like these like- PLANETS COLLIDED, MAN! And they, fucking start talking every day, and he can't believe her because she's so smokin' hot and her ass is fucking gigantic, right?
But it's not about that, it's also about emotion. And they fall in love man. They fall in love over the love of fucking film, bro. And he's like, “I wanna make this fucking great heist movie, but I can't
And she's like, “Yes you can”, and Clementine is like, “How, Penelope?”, and Penelope's like, “Well, I fucking work in his office, so we're gonna find a time, for you to stroll right in that motherfucker”
So they figure it out. It's fucking D-Day, man. He opens, the fucking elevator doors, he gets up there, and he sneaks into Danny Weinstein's office
Danny Weinstein's immediately like, “Oh, its you again, get the fuck outta here”, and he's back TO SQUARE ONE!!
He's fucking back, so he's talking to Penelope, he's like, “I just wanna make the greatest bank robbery movie of, all time, how do we do it? You sexy ass motherfucking gorgeous woman.”
And Penelope goes, “I don't know, man, maybe we gotta do it ourself”, and he's like “Fuck that”
Finds out his address, he goes, to, Malibu, to see Danny Weinstein. There's a THOUSAND bitches on the beach
Everyones doing cocaine. Weinstein robe is open, fucking small dick, going all over the place, he's fucking crazy, hopping around and shit
And he sees- he sees Christopher Clementine, he's sees the protagonist to this fucking story. And he's like, “What are ya doing, here?”, and he grabs a 357 magnum and puts it to the fucking temple of our protagonist
Then he says "If you don't get outta here I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!"
And he says "You know what man, I'm already dead if I don't make this fuckin' movie bro"
And he goes "ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU'RE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET OVER THIS STUPID SCRIPT?"
And Clementine says "Yeah man, I don't got nothin' to lose man!" and for whatever reason Danny Weinstein likes this shit, it's fuckin' w- rope, flowin' in the breeze of the WIND, MAN!
Coke on his nostrils like fuckin' Neil Young, they had to edit that shit out in that one documentary, but that's- that's not- THAT'S NOT THE TIME OR PLACE RIGHT NOW!
So you know what he does?
He says "I'm gonna give you a shot", Weinstein says "I'm gonna give you a fuckin' chance, alright, I'm gonna read your pussy, fucked up, terrible ass script for some stupid ass heist movie, and, you come see me on Monday, and that's it, okay? Is that it? If you're- If I hate it, you're gonna leave me alone."
And Clementine goes "FUCK YEAH Man, I'll see you on the other side."
So Monday rolls around right, Clementine goes back he's in the office, and you know what Weinstein says?
He can't FUCKING BELIEVE IT MAN! Weinstein says "This, has gotta be the greatest, biggest, piece of SHIT I've ever read in my LIFE! Get the fuck outta my office, man, you gotta write from the heart, You gotta write something that's yours, you gotta write something that you need, base it on your own life, ya fuckin' asshole!"
Security kicks him out. He blows Penelope a kiss on his way being fucking jetted through the doors. He heads home and he says "You know what. We're gonna do it our way man. We gotta find some way."
But he just can't feel it so Penelope's like "Why not fuckin' use our own money." and he's like "Are you kiddin', this is gonna cost atleast six million dollars."
So he starts seein' private investors. Foreign investment. They shoot him down, everyone shoots him down, but his old lady man, she believes in him
Because it's to be. So what happens after this?
This sick fuck, Clementine, gets the idea to rob a bank, to fund, his movie about bank heists. GENIUS! Fuckin' genius!
So he's doin' all this like, back and forth right, he's fuckin figuring everything out, how to rob the bank, the ins and outs, who works where, the fuckin' manager of the bank, how many kids he's got, how many fuckin' security guards there are. How to get out of the there through the fuckin' sewer line, man
He's figurin' it ALL out, man!
So he plots the day, he's even got his girl, Penelope, and he's like "Listen, I-I-I-I want you to, help me write this scene, he tells her shits for a scene, but what he's really doin' is he's doing his own fucking RECONNAISSANCE, to blow this bitch's fuckin' ROOF OFF, and pay for this movie man!
So he's like "Alright, we're gonna go into this bank okay, uhm, really need nicknames, how about Bonnie and Clyde."
Penelope goes, "Okay cool, I'm Clyde."
Clementine goes, "What are you talking about, you're Bonnie!"
And she says, "Motherfucker, it's 1995, a woman can be whatever she WANTS!"
And he says "Okay, I guess, but like, fuck that"
So they play rock, paper, scissors, shoot, guess who loses?
BONNIE!
I mean... Clementine!
So anyway, they're stakin' this fuckin' place out man, It's amazing
He's got all the ins and outs, he knows what he's gotta do
(Stopped at 7:48)
