*Harry Baker: Round 1*
So it's the massive Harry Baker, versus Shuffle T
Modern battle rap saviour, versus Shuffle T
I think you are a turd, like how the Irish might say "1 in 3"
I wasn't sure you'd go for that, but I kept it in just for me
I came to school this little princess, think Thumbelina's cover teacher
We are far removed fam, my Uncle Peter's cousin's niece
I'm off the charts like submarines
You pollin' 8 (pollinate) like bumblebees
That's why it's me, and then him (denim)
Like comfy jeans or dungarees
And I wrote all of this without your stupid rhyming ductionary
I'm talkin' Pictionary in a convent, my pen game is next to none (nun)
You are the Premier League in 2016, there is so much less to (Leicester) love
Every time he's steppin' up, he has to move his head so much
Cause if his face is stationary, on the whole it's getting punched
Your life has more unrealised potential than a sexy monk
And just like Alejandro, by God I hope you get to fuck
He's always bringing textbook stuff, I'd rather rip that textbook up
He'd rather write a new textbook, and sell it for some extra bucks
Prometheus stole fire from the gods, for the people
Shuffle-T gave them multis
The modern day equal
His punishment was having his liver swallowed by eagles
Our punishment was a tryout by 'Sir Conrad McEvil'
You gave a bunch of words to fuckin' nerds who haven't done the graph
They wanna battle for a laugh, yet lack the talent or the craft
I'm all for inclusivity, we need it in our times
Just not making battle rap more accessible to people who can't rhyme
I mean take Reeverse, he's one of his
And I would pay to watch Reeverse...reverse off a cliff
It's called battle rap not battle 'reel off a list'
Somebody tell RapGPT to please stop this shit
Cause you can chat with mad precision, says he has a process
Computer-like analysis, and yet he lacks the focus
Who can fathom rappin' with him? Let me have a go, kid
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
I bring humour, talent, passion, wisdom, extra added bonus
Hubris and romanticism, Edgar Allen Poe shit
Still I'll have the fans all singing, let me have this moment
[gestures to the crowd]
[Crowd: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"]
That wasn't very good, do it again and put this one on TikTok
Said I bring humour, talent, passion, wisdom, extra added bonus
Hu-
[Crowd interrupts: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"]
It'll do, it'll do
You just come with your silly, filly, dumb little rhymes
Um-dittl-ittl-ee-um-dittl-i
Your rhyme schemes are Time Team, just digging around for something great
Problem is we've all switched off, simply cause how long it takes
Your bars are Snow White & the Seven Dwarves, cause I only fuck with one in eight
Obviously not Snow White, but Grumpy is an utter babe
*Shuffle T: Round 1*
At first I thought fuck it, go ahead and let him rap
"Giving multis to nerds", pot calling the kettle black
You are...very thin
Extra slim
Let me think...
Heroine
When was the last time you ate fucking anything?
You think he got in this shape from working out?
He lost some weight in lockdown, hula hooping with his wedding ring
"Harry I'm makin' lunch!"
"Nah, mate I'm stuffed. Last week I had a...hazelnut"
Reviewers say you're worth your weigh in gold
Well that's not really saying much
When people think of me they "Shuffle? That's the sexy, funny, cheeky, hunk"
Then they think of all the amazing things that I've achie-
[woman in the crowd laughs, Shuffle points at them] Don't laugh.
When people think of me they "Shuffle? That's the sexy, funny, cheeky, hunk"
Then they think of all the amazing things that I've achieved and done
When people think of you, all they really see is teeth and gums
I'm not just a pretty face, you are not even one
You feeble cunt
You're so wholesome, there's not thrill to the act of preparing
You and your comedy partner Chris think you make this skillful and talented pairing
But you look like Christian recruits designed to teach children the value of sharing
And though I'm true that it's sure I've heard you do it before
But I still can't imagine you swearing
I mean, it is so clear you're a Christian
Looks to the Bible for help
He can recite all the twelve disciples as well
He'd be up in the church tower, just chiming the bell
If heaven's full of people like you, you can find me in hell
Catch me at Salem's lot
Worshippin' pagan gods
Suckin' on Satan's cock
Break the cross
On the Sabbath too, cause I don't take them off
Using the Lord's name in vain
And I will make him watch as I covet the absolute fuck out of my neighbour's ox
He used to do some work in schools, even did a couple free
But there was a rumour he was weird with kids
It didn't come from me!
So now the parents have stopped inviting Harry in for cups of tea
And the teachers won't allow him within a hundred feet
The kids don't trust you cause you creep them out
You wait til the teachers aren't looking and try to creep them out
Nah he's up there like
"You can get better at rap by writing your best verse per day
Or, if you accept Jesus, you can do less work and pray
But no profanity in these lyrics please, we're not Fred Durst or Drake
The only 'c-word' is Christ, the only 'f-word' is faith"
You're Christian even as far as Christians go
Your wife is called Grace
That's a bit on the nose
I reckon he made her change it to that
If she keeps her own name it's blasphemy
His last three girlfriends were called Joan, Kate and Natalie
Made them go change them casually to 'Hope', 'Faith' and 'Chastity'
Then dumped them anyway cause they won't donate to charity
Charity is another ex, by the way
I was actually invited to his wedding
Think I said chickenpox or fever, Harry
Doubt I missed much, I bet the dinner, songs and speech were crappy
But's not the reason I wasn't in the spot when he was married
I didn't come to it cause I didn't want to see you happy
I guarantee that fucking wedding was so fucking family friendly
Oh, don't tell me that the poetry has happened already
What's up Harry, you legend? I bet the stag-do was heavy!
"Yeah, literary festival in Abergavenny"
I'd call you a square, but that is too edgy
You platter of jelly
You dampened confetti
You shandi made from a watered down can of Moretti
You strand of spaghetti
You wet tagliotelli
Not even from an authentic Italian deli
More like Frankie & Benny's
This battles been ready for over ten years to come through
Since you first turned up on the scene lookin' all weird and fuckin' buck tooth
I've had to be polite in real life, despite wanting to punch you
So it's 10 years of building up to this
Harry Baker, I love you
Nah FUCK YOU
*Harry Baker: Round 2*
He said he bumped off from my wedding
You're probably right, kid
Didn't go to your wedding
Wasn't invited
See I've been gone six and a half years
And it's amazing what this scene has done
And the one thing that's kept it going
Sponsorship by Penis Pump
I'll be completely honest, not sure what it even does
Just know that Briggzy now insists that he's the bonafide Elon Musk
I mean, who reached out to who?
Was it you that had to start to beg?
Does Cojay have a platinum membership because he uses them on his arms and legs?
Do you not have a spam filter? How did the messages make their way through?
Is the next event sponsored by Russian women who want to date you?
I just have so many questions, had to unshroud the mystery
If you are watching this Grace, it explains my browsing history
And subsequent deliveries
And video calls with Briggz and me, tutorials he gives for free
And the swelling
And the bleeding
And the yelling
And the pleading
But the point I'm trying to make just in case you haven't seen it
I'm super pumped to be here, and this guy's a massive penis
And a CUNT
See Shuffle T's called Shuffle T cause he started out magician
I'd guarantee one hundy p it's an attempt at wowing women
It never worked - it never does
But before he takes a bow and finish
[?] grab and pen and tell her how he did it
He got kicked out the magic circle, had to give up on his dreams
They said stop ruining the twist
He said, "it isn't what it seems"
But they found out about his podcast titled, 'Tricks You Won't Believe'
And he was tryin' to launch a gameshow called, 'It Was Up My Sleeve'
Stop talking bout your work and let the work do the talking
These exhaust lists of word, oh my word it's exhausting
Even before it hit the herd, we had heard it all before
If that is all your shit is worth, then it ain't worth shit at all
So catch me trawling through a Shuffle verse
Like crawling through some plumbing works
When all the poo above has burst
In other words, I'm undeterred
Their awe for you is undeserved
Too fraught to do this unrehearsed
An awkward dude in love with words
Go form a queue, I've done it first
You know what rhymes with "awkward dude in love with words"?
Of course you do, you fucking nerd
He's found the one thing that he's good at, and now he's tryna puff it up
Reusing his material more than Marge in the country club
I've been that and I've done it Shuff
I recognise the struggle bruv
But he's a tip that worked for me
Try being good at...other stuff
Honestly it's dope as fuck
I pay my rent
I go for brunch
Think Briggzy's dick, it's blowin' up
And all from doin' poems bruv
I can do what you can do, you cannot say the same
You simply lack the courage to be 'Adam' on the stage
And no amount of multis, or characters you play
Will hide the fact, behind all that
You have nothing to say
You are a one-trick pony in a one horse race
And yet you've gone so slowly
You still ain't won first place
You tried to be the Don't Flop champ and Craft D smoked your boots
And somehow, against all the odds, Shotty beat him too
So watch me disappear this magician with one trick
I'll make him gone quick like getting John Wick's dog kicked
*Shuffle T: Round 2*
*Harry Baker: Round 3*
*Shuffle T: Round 3*
