Vigilante: Howdy, Varmint
VIGILANTE throws a crate on the ground containing a REVOLVER and looks seriously at Peppino
Vigilante: Draw
Peppino: Hold on…I’ve-a never met you before in my life. Why are YOU fighting-a me?
Vigilante: Lemme educate ya befar I exterminate ya
(SONG BEGINS)
Vigi: I was born one mornin’, a scrappy lil’ scrap of a curd
JEC: (A crappy scrappy little scrap of a curd)
Vigi: Learned to sharp-shoot sharp cheddar ‘fore I learned a single word!
JEC: (To this day he barely reads any words)
Vigi: Jes a-rarin’ to fight, day and night, I defended the hеrd!
JEC: (oo-de-lay-hee!)
Vigi: See, my gran’pa done raised mе to help him in tendin’ the farm
JEC: (I raised that boy to help me tendin’ the farm)
Vigi: And I knew I’d need strength to protect all them critters from harm
JEC: (The boy insisted that the farm’d be harmed)
Vigi: So I worked on my aim, and I went without rest
To ensure that my skills would be up to the test
If an outlaw attempted to wrangle our nest, I’d be armed!
JEC: (yoo-de-lay-hee!)
Vigi: A year of trainin’ later, and this cheese has finely aged
To a rootin’ tootin’ cowboy with his nemesis on-stage
You’re a rotten, dirty varmint, and you know as well as I
Just one of us can leave this set alive…
Vigi:
DRAW! C’mon, gimme hell
Lemme hear yer wild yell
I’ve bided my time just waitin’ fer my shot
So come and get it while it’s hot!
DRAW! This ain’t worth a hoot
If’n I’m the only one that shoots
You can’t escape the longhorn of the law…
So git armed an’ draw!
Peppino: Well…If this is how it’s gonna be…I’m-a gonna defend myself!
PEPPINO grabs the gun
VIGI: Yes…YES! A FAIR FIGHT! LET’S RASSLE!
Vigi:
I’m a dynamite fighter, these boots are made fer breakin’ yer molars
JEC: (He Wears a pair of boots to shatter your molars)
Vigi: Got a six-shot revolver string-loaded with fresh gorgonzoler!
JEC: (He Got a gun stuffed full o’ gorgonzola)
Vigi: With my deluge of dairy, beware me, hit like a steamroller!
JEC: (oo-de-lay-hee!)
Vigi: A rebel like me ain’t content with the simpler tasks
JEC: (Ain’t equipped to face the simpler tasks)
Vigi: I don’t harvest crops, and Milkin? Son, don’t even ask!
JEC: (He’d never milk the cows whenever I asked)
Vigi: Rather take on the dirtiest varmints around
One by one, git ‘r done, knock the criminals down
Celebrated, the toughest cowpoke in the town, tap the cask!
JEC: (yoo-de-lay-hee!)
Vigi: Thank cheesus crust that pizza feller went an’ clued me in
That you’re the reason fer my ghostly, floatin last-of-kin…
Peppino:
He lied to you! You’ve-a been deceived, you formaggio fool!
I didn’t touch that geezer, that’s not-a cool!
Vigi: Hogwash!
DRAW! There’s hell ta pay
Fer the loads o’ laws ya done betrayed!
How do ya even get up in the morn
Yer so evil, wish ya never been born!
DRAW! This is my time
To finally convict a crime
I’ was mad befar, but this is the final straw…
So face me an’ draw!
Peppino: I’M-A INNOCENT, I TELL YOU! All I ever did on that-a farm was get dragged around by a crazy-a chicken!
Vigi.: YOU RELEASED MORT THE CHICKEN?!
Peppino: YEAH? WHY DOES THAT-A MATTER??? IT’S JUST A CHICKEN!!!
Vigilante:
Our farm was doin’ fine despite ol’ gran’paw’s passin’ on
Til that Mort feller started leadin’ chicks off of our lawn…
We hired up a Pizzard to bind ‘im to the well
Mah farm is ruined if ya broke the spell…
Peppino: Oh, Marone…
Vigi:
DRAW! Twenty paces south
Let fate decide how things turn out
On the signal, pull the trigger ‘n pray
Yer forgiven on yer judgement day
DRAW! I’m sweatin’ too
But I’ll be certain once I’m through
I’ve gotten vengeance for me and mah gran’pa…
3, 2, 1 - draw!
*GUNSHOTS*
VIGILANTE is hit. There’s a HOLE in him
VIGI: Urrrgh…Bury me with my…muenster…
Peppino: You’re-a lump of-a cheese. Can’t you just-a refill that hole?
VIGI instantly recovers, filling his BULLET HOLE with cheese
VIGI: Oh
JEC: Go on, thank the feller, son
VIGI: THANK HIM? Ain’t this the varmint what laid you low, gran’pappy John?
JEC:.: I…uh…actually just got kicked by a cow while I was milkin’ it
Vigi: WHAT?! WHY DIDN’T YA TELL ME SOONER?!
JEC:.: Well, ya seemed so excited to finally be a hero…
Peppino: I TOLD-A YOU I WAS INNOCENT!
Vigi: Ughh…I guess we’re even, ya Vermicelli Varmint. Take mah key an’ I’ll git along
VIGI throws his key at Peppino’s feet and slimes away into the sunset
Peppino: But…your farm is-a ruined! Where will you-a go?
Vigi: Heh heh. Wherever this dusty ol’ country road takes meEEEEEEEEEEE—
PEPPINO looks down as VIGILANTE BREAKS through the FAKE SUNSET and falls from the tower. JOHN E CHEESE looks embarassedly on
JEC: I tell ya, Pizza Man, that Boy ain’t right
