[Intro: Evan Gregory, Sarah Gregory, Whoopi Goldberg, Barbary Walters, Elisabeth Hasselbeck)]
EG: News. There is a lot of news. And it's happening. Justice Souter is retiring. There's a swine flu pandemic. People are turning into pigs. Michele Obama: she's wearing a cardigan
WG: You know, Joe the plumber is making headlines for telling--
BW: He says they are called queer for a reason
(Overlapping conversation)
EG: Joe the plumber, I think he's really shiny. I mean his head. I want to touch it
SG: You guys, this is not making any sense at all. Can we please just sing about it?
WG: And I mean, they know where I stand
[Elisabeth Hasselbeck]
I think this is an ignoramus statement
Umm, I was even a person who thought--
You know what, power to Joe the Plumber at that point
[Sarah Gregory]
Before he went around laying his pipe all over town
[Elisabeth Hasselbeck]
Well, Joe the Plumber is not invited anywhere around me
[Evan Gregory]
Does baby need a tissue? (tissue)
Thinking about the time the plumber kissed you. (kissed you)
Before you caught him creeping with the Shih Tzu. (Shih Tzu)
[Rachel Maddow]
As republicans, the party does seem to be in chaos
[Ron Paul]
They need to change their attitude (Ayy)
Attitude (Oohh)
Their attitude (Ayy)
Attitude (Oohh)
[Michael Gregory]
Ay, tell us what your homeys can do to make a change
[Ron Paul]
When they talk about personal freedoms
They have to believe in it, you know
(We know) To believe in it, you know
(We know) To believe in it, you know
(We know) We know, we know, we know you just got to believe
You know (We know!)
To believe in it, you know (We know!)
To believe, -lieve
[Michael Gregory]
You saying Republicans on crack. Are you cozy with the Democrats?
[Ron Paul]
I just don't think that either party right now offers a whole lot
[Michael Gregory]
You'll see some real change from the 3rd party at my house
Popping champagne, Bacardi; getting crunked out
Triple rhyming with Joe Biden while we imbibing Hennessy
Come on over. Drinks on me, homey
[Hamid Karzai (& Asif Ali Zardari)]
We'll be friends with you
(And bff with you
Main Damies with you)
And colleagues with you
(I'll be in your crew)
I'll be in yours, too
(Jumping rope with you)
Playing Donkey Kong with you
(Hatching plans with you)
Invade Tajikistan with you
[Hillary Clinton]
We do not believe either Afghanistan
Or Pakistan
Can achieve lasting progress
Without the full participation of all
Of your citizens
Including women and girls
[Asif Ali Zardari (& Hamid Karzai)]
Having a barbecue
(Grilling a goat with you)
Grilling terrorists, too
(Getting matching tattoos)
[Hillary Clinton]
The rights of women must be respected and protect--
[Asif Ali Zardari (& Hamid Karzai)]
Picking flowers with you
(Hot showers with you)
Falling in love with you
(Nude at the zoo)
Making memories at the pottery wheel
Rubbing clay on you all afternoon (Oh!)
[Katie Couric]
It would be one of the most dramatic foreign policy about faces ever
[Andrew Gregory]
To what do you refer, shawtayee?
[Katie Couric]
A bipartisan bill in Congress would end the 47-year-old trade freeze with Cuba
[Andrew Gregory]
Ojalá congreso le gusta esta
[Katie Couric]
It has only spotty support so far
But President Obama's already taken some baby steps
Letting Cuban Americans visit family members and send them money
But for most of us it's still a place that is strictly off limits
[Andrew Gregory]
Not for this G. I just went there illegally
Speaking of which, will you buy drugs from me on national TV?
Don't fret. The people think I'm joking. But guess what? (what?)
I've never joked in my life; ooh-wee, shawtayee
[Katie Couric]
The trade embargo made sense a half century ago (that's 50 years)
During the Cold War Fidel Castro took sides with the enemy
But the Soviet Union is long gone (Disbanded)
Long gone (Disbanded)
Long gone (Disbanded)
(Disbanded) The Soviet Union is long gone
[Sarah Gregory]
Dick Cheney. Rush Limbaugh or Colin Powell. Who's your damie?
[Dick Cheney]
Well, if I had to choose, uh...
In terms of being a Republican I'd go with Rush Limbaugh
My take on it was Colin had already left the party
[Sarah Gregory]
I don't think that actually happened
This is an awkward silence; I guess I'll fill it with ad libs...
Whoa, whoa-whoa, shawtayee
[Katie Couric]
Now it's up to Fidel and Raúl Castro
[Andrew Gregory]
Esos Castros locos, cuidado
[Katie Couric]
President Obama says he wants to see Democratic reforms
Particularly on human rights and free speech (Gree speech)
So congress will be looking for signs of change
After almost 50 years. (Ay, that's half a century)
U.S. policy will not reverse overnight
Relations remain chilly
But for the 1st time in generations
A thaw is possible
[Andrew Gregory]
A thaw, but what sort of thaw? What exactly is thawing?
[Katie Couric]
Very, very, very, very very thin ice
[Andrew Gregory & Katie Couric]
Very thin ice, very thin ice, very thin ice
[Outro x2]
Auto-Tune the News (auto-tune the news)
Auto-Tune the News (auto-tune the news)
Everything sounds better auto-tuned
