Transcriber's note: {} are for thoughts
FADE IN:
INT. MANSION — NIGHT
A heavy rain falls onto the outside bushes. Inside, party guests in formal attire line the room. Inspector Meguire stands at the front of the room. Across from him is the wheelchair-bound Mansion Owner, who has a cast on his leg.
Inspector Meguire: Let's go over this one more time.
Mansion Owner: Time? We ran out a while ago. Inspector, if you can't find the murderer I suggest wrapping this up.
Guest (O.S.): Yeah!
Mansion Owner: My guests and I grow tired of your department's incompetence.
Jimmy (O.S.): Shut your Monopoly ass up!
A young man walks into the room, wearing a blue suit and red bow-tie. He is Jimmy Kudo.
Jimmy: This is a homicide and we're not mall cops, alright?
Owner: The hell?
Jimmy: And right now you're acting like one suspicious milk mustached bitch.
Owner: Who's this asshole?
Jimmy: Your worst fuckin' nightmare.
Meguire: You'll have to excuse Jimmy here, he's a rookie detective from AAU.
Jimmy: Second team all state.
FLASHBACK — MURDER
The killer jumps to the balcony with a rope in his hand, and is seen shooting the victim with a revolver.
BACK TO PRESENT
Jimmy (V.O.): The killer broke in the room by jumping from the balcony of a neighboring window.
Self explanatory from there.
Owner: C'mon that's a twenty foot gap! No one can make that.
Jimmy: If you 50/50 and boneless off the rail you can.
Owner: {Damn it.}
Meguire: Well ya got the 'how,' but who did it?
Jimmy: Going by the alibis, only one person here coulda done it.
Meguire: Yeah, and?
The guests stare in astonishment. Jimmy points directly at the Mansion Owner.
Jimmy: Sitting right there.
Owner: Ehe, I'm in a wheelchair kid. You might wanna check your math on that one.
Jimmy: Yeah, check your geography.
Jimmy grabs the globe from the mantel behind him, and hurls it at the Owner.
Owner: Ah, shit!
The Owner stands up and dodges as the globe breaks against his empty wheelchair.
Maid: You're not crippled?
Owner: Jesus Christ!
Jimmy: A.A.R.I.P.
Meguire: Alright let's get outta here before SNL starts.
Owner: Fuck you whores!
The Owner makes to run out of the room.
Jimmy: Yo hold up!
Jimmy kicks the broken globe, the globe smacks the Owner on the back of the head. The Owner falls forward to the ground, his body sliding to a halt.
Jimmy: You have the right to remain silent, anything y-
Meguire: Jim, you can't read Miranda rights to a corpse.
EXT. MANSION — NIGHT
Police lights illuminate the mansion's front. A policeman escorts a handcuffed Mansion Owner off-screen.
Meguire: Ya did great, kid! Now, just work on that ego.
Jimmy: What's good being the one if you're the only one that knows it?
Guest (O.S.): You got that from J. Cole.
EXT. JIMMY'S HOUSE — MORNING
SUPER: THE NEXT MORNING
Passerby (O.S.): I wanna waterboard my dad.
INT. JIMMY'S BEDROOM
Jimmy is in his bed, asleep.
Radio (V.O.): Ayy, 103.4 the whitest hip-hop on air...
The sound of an explosion jolts Jimmy awake.
Jimmy: Oh god!
Jimmy opens his window to see his neighbor, Dr. Randy Agasa, lying in the aftermath of an explosion.
Jimmy: Hey man it's 2 PM could you keep it down?
Dr. Randy Agasa: (Friendly) Oh sorry Jimmy! I was just making pipe bombs out of four loko and nail polish.
Jimmy: Sick.
EXT. RICHARD AND RACHEL'S APT. — MORNING
Detective Richard Moore (O.S): AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BITCH ASS BOYFRIEND TOO!
Rachel Moore: Dad, just, chill the fuck out.
INT. RICHARD AND RACHEL'S APT.
Detective Richard Moore is punching the newspaper on his desk. Specifically, the smiling picture of Jimmy on the front page.
Richard: GOD DAMN, DAMNIT, GHYAAA
His daughter Rachel Moore walks towards him; she's dressed to go to school.
Rachel: He's the first world famous sleuth out of high school.
Richard: HE'S A FUCKIN HACK!
Richard pounds his desk for emphasis. He looks over the desk at Rachel.
Rachel: What, just cause he's young?
Richard: You know who else came out of high school? LeBron James. Guess what happened to him.
Rachel: Uhm, well...
Richard: GUESS!
Rachel: What happens to LeBron James, dad?
Richard begins to rip up the newspaper.
Richard: Lost the fuckin' NBA finals!
Rachel: Alright.
Rachel turns around, indifferent to Richard's temper tantrum. Richard throws the newspaper pieces into the air, screaming.
EXT. HIGHSCHOOL — DAY
Students walk to school. White hip-hop plays in the background.
Jimmy pops a soccer ball into the air with one foot and then kicks the ball from the side of the field, past the goalie and defenders, right into the goal. The ball spins against the back of the net.
Rachel: I still don't get why you quit the soccer team.
Jimmy: Cause soccer's bullshit?
Student (O.S.): I like classical music.
Rachel: I dunno, you were pretty good.
Jimmy: Yeah but It's like Sherlock Holmes always said, any sport where you can't use your hands is conservative propaganda.
Rachel: ...Yeah
Jimmy: You might not realize it [but Sherlock was on some next level shit. Y-Y'know here's a dude played violin AND made the double snap-back fashionable.]
CROSS-FADE to still images of Sherlock Holmes.
Rachel: That Downey Jr. movie kinda sucked.
Jimmy produces a handful of envelopes.
Jimmy: Yeah maybe, but Sherlock didn't get this fanmail.
Rachel: How many of those girls are 18?
Jimmy: Oh...
EXT. CITYSCAPE — NIGHT
SUPER: SOME CHICK'S HOUSE
INT. BEDROOM — DARK
A girl, turned away from the camera, works by moonlight at her desk.
CLOSE UP: DESK
Dramatically illuminated by the moonlight are the bottom half of a picture frame and a glass pill jar. A couple of small, white beads roll onto the desk.
Girl: Fuck, my Tic-Tacs.
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK — DAY
The camera pans across an amusement park, complete with ferris wheel, flying scooters, a spaceship-themed Red Baron ride, and a small-scale fantasy castle. The ferris wheel reads, "TROPICAL LAND."
Jimmy (V.O): why did we come here again?
Rachel (V.O.): It's fun.
Jimmy (V.O.): This place is for babies.
INT. LINE FOR ROLLER COASTER
Jimmy and Rachel walk to the back of the line.
Jimmy: So by 1989, Sherlock was number 1 in the country, the youngest in the history of-
Rachel: Jimmy, I really don't give a shit.
Jimmy and Rachel board the roller coaster.
Jimmy: Oh did I mention roller coasters are stupid?
Two men in matching shades, trench coats, fedoras, and suits - all black - also get on the roller coaster. Their names are Eric and Dylan.
Man In Black (Eric): Let's ride this joint.
The roller coaster starts to move.
CUT TO: SIRENS.
Loud sirens wail. A police car and an ambulance can be seen driving into Tropical Land.
INT. LINE FOR ROLLER COASTER
A small crowd has formed to one side. The passengers stand around the crime scene. There's an occupied body bag on the ground, and two kneeling girls above it. The two men in black stand shoulder-to-shoulder. Inspector Meguire and a few policemen are on the scene.
Meguire: How the hell d'you get decapitated on a roller coaster?
Man in Black (Dylan): We didn't do nothin.' Let us go.
Jimmy: Walking around a theme park in a trench coat makes you suspect for anything. Like, I bit my tongue five minutes ago and I think you did it.
Man in Black (Dylan): (To himself) He's lookin' for trouble...
Meguire: Okay, so five passengers but only three of them have the reach to do it. What do you think Jimmy?
Jimmy: I already got it figured out.
Meguire: Oh yeah? Well then who?
Jimmy: The killer is... (points off-screen) ...that chick.
CUT TO REVERSE ANGLE: Jimmy is pointing at a girl in a blue blouse and headband.
Meguire: She was further away than anyone what the FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Jimmy: Let me show you.
The girl collapses to her knees, sobbing. Tears spill down her face. As she speaks she turns to confess to the other passengers.
Girl: It's true, if I couldn't have him nobody can, so I KILLED HIM!
Jimmy: Actually I was just joking but, y-y'know way to confess without a lawyer.
The girl sobs as everyone else has a nice laugh.
Man in crowd: ...Fuck you, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU-
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK — NIGHT
Jimmy and Rachel walk past the lit-up carnival booths. Rachel is wiping away tears with her hands.
Jimmy: Hey I know we're in babyland but you don't have to act like one too.
Rachel: (angry) Someone just died, Jimmy! Geez, all your video games make you a sociopath.
The Man in Black, Eric, sprints past Jimmy and Rachel and disappears down a dark alleyway.
Jimmy: Hey I know you're in need but I gotta jump a bitch, seeya!
Jimmy runs after Eric. Rachel reaches after him as he goes.
Rachel: What the hell, man..
Rachel: {Jimmy... those are nice cement 3's}
EXT. ALLEYWAY — NIGHT
A Smuggler in a business suit clutches a briefcase to his chest.
Eric: Hey there man, you got the stuff?
Smuggler: Yeah, I got the stuff. Ya wanna see it?
Eric: Lay it on me, large man.
The Smuggler opens the case, displaying rows of crisp, neatly wrapped bills.
Smuggler: Alright, here it is, ten million unmarked Dave & Buster's bucks.
Eric: Yeah.
Jimmy peeps at them from behind a corner.
Smuggler: Alright, now your end of the deal.
Dylan: The fuck are you doin'?
Jimmy: Huh?
As Jimmy turns around his head connects with a metal pipe. He falls, dazed to the ground. Dylan is standing over him, pipe in hand.
Dylan: Eric what the hell?
Eric: Sorry Dylan I didn't know he was followin' me!
Dylan removes a small grey attache case from his coat pocket. He takes out a pill from the foam insert. Next to the individual pills is an unmarked vial.
Dylan: Don't worry 'bout it, I got the black market's newest poison. One cap of this and he's gone for good.
Dylan grabs a fistful of Jimmy's hair and lifts his head. He slips the into Jimmy's mouth, and washes it down with liquid from the vial.
Dylan: Get ya heavy head over here. Yea drink that Kool-Aid Jammer. Eric is holding the briefcase case full of money.
Eric: Alright let's get the fuck outta here.
The two run away. CUT TO BLACK.
In the dark, circles of yellow light rise and fall on-screen.
Police 1: Ay ya heard that?
Police 2: Yea sounded like a couple a' trenchcoats.
Jimmy: (groans) {Oh my god...}
The screen fades in on a policeman pointing his flashlight at the screen.
Police 1: Ah, nah it's just some boy.
Jimmy: {Boy? Am I in fuckin' Georgia?}
The two police officers are pointing flashlights at a six-year-old Jimmy, sitting in a pile of Jimmy's over-sized clothes.
Police 2: (in a thick, Southern drawl) Don' worry boy we'll take ya home.
Jimmy: {I'm white but this still feels racist.}
EXT. RICHARD AND RACHEL'S APT. — MORNING
INT. RICHARD AND RACHEL'S APT.
A drunk, disheveled Richard is drinking beer at his desk. His feet sit on top, fighting chip bags and beer cans for space. Rachel enters.
Richard: Ay, whats goin' on?
Rachel: Jesus Christ, what'd you do all night?
Richard: *Not Another Teen Movie* marathon?
Rachel: (cleaning the desk) Wha-they only made one of those!
Richard: Yeah I watched it three times. Y'know if Molly Ringwald died in the 80's she'd be like Meryl Streep right now.
Rachel: That almost... nah that didn't make any sense.
EXT. CITY — NIGHT — RAINING
Jimmy is still dizzy from the poison. He leans against a large glass store window for support. He slowly turns toward his reflection.
Jimmy: {What were those cops calling me again?}
Jimmy looks at his reflection, and sees he's reverted to a child.
Jimmy: What?! {Oh that's great.} Shit! Why? What the- Oh wait.
FLASHBACK — to Dylan taking a pill out of his case.
Jimmy (V.O.): {Those trenchcoat guys...that poison they had...}
BACK TO PRESENT
Jimmy: I really gotta get home.
EXT. JIMMY'S HOUSE — NIGHT — RAINY
INT. JIMMY'S BEDROOM
Answering machine: Ay ya reached the Jim-Jam Jimmy Man only detective assigned to young money ymc-
CUT TO: INT. RICHARD AND RACHEL'S APT.
Rachel is holding the phone to her ear. She looks down at it in concern.
Rachel: (sighs) Oh no... It's been five years and he still hasn't changed his answering machine.
She hangs up.
Richard: Told ya yer boyfriend was a fuckin' mathlete moron.
EXT. JIMMY'S HOUSE
Jimmy is trying to reach the lock on his door, which he is now too short for. There's an explosion next door. Dr. Randy Agasa climbs out of the rubble.
Agasa: (coughs) Ah,shit!
Jimmy: Doc, what's going on?
Agasa: Who are you?
Jimmy: What are you talking about? It's me, Jimmy.
Agasa: Yeah, very funny now run along.
Jimmy: No, I'm not fucking around! (pointing) You're Dr. Randy Agasa, 53 years old. You make bullshit experiments and collect checks from the government!
Agasa: Wha-why would Jimmy tell ya a thing like that?
Jimmy: *I'm* Jimmy you fat, foreign, fuck-face loser!
Agasa: (gasp) Only Jimmy makes me feel *that* insecure.
INT. AGASA'S LIBRARY
Jimmy has changed into a smaller version of his blue suit from before.
Agasa: ...But yeah, that's one hell of a trip, man.
Jimmy: Yo, why do you have clothes for six-year-olds lying around?
Agasa: Jimmy, just do me a favor and *never ask that again.*
Rachel (O.S.): Anyone home?
Jimmy and Agasa look up in surprise.
Agasa: Quick, hide!
Jimmy sprints behind the desk. Rachel enters.
Rachel: Hey, what are you doing here?
Agasa: Oh nothing, y'know just fucking around with my desk.
Jimmy notices Dr. Agasa's lowest desk drawer is open. In it is a pair of glasses.
Rachel: You trynna hide something?
Rachel pushes past Agasa to check behind the desk. Jimmy puts the glasses on just as Rachel rounds the corner.
Rachel: Hey there! What's your name?
Jimmy: Co... nan... yeah Conan.
Rachel: Conan? Kid your parents suck.
Agasa: They do! Social services dropped him off on me as his only living relative.
Rachel: Well that's rough, he can stay with us if you want. Would ya like that Conan?
Conan: Uh... no-
CUT TO: Jimmy is walking home with Rachel towards her apartment. Rachel is holding Jimmy's hand.
Conan: {This is bullshit.}
Rachel: So like, what do you do for fun?
Conan: Uh...nothing much.
Rachel: Do you have a girlfriend?
Jimmy: Do you have a restraining order?
EXT. RICHARD AND RACHEL'S APT. — NIGHT — CLOUDY
Conan: What's this?
Rachel: Your new home.
Conan: Oh, cool.. {Smells like cup noodles with bleach.}
A well-dressed Richard Moore sprints down the stairs, tripping and falling at the last few steps. Rachel and Conan instinctively move out of the way.
Richard: Rachel you'll never believe what happened- fuckin' shit.
Despite the face-first fall, when Richard looks back at them his eyes are bright and his mouth is smiling.
Richard: New job, new client! Hop yourself in the cab, bring the kid too!
Conan: Oh, alright...
Richard: Taxi!
Richard raises his hand and a cab pulls up. Conan sprints towards the cab. Rachel runs after them.
Rachel: Wait up!
MONTAGE
- The cab speeds into the city night.
- A shadowy figure holds a knife to the face of a little girl.
- A smiling man in a business suit kneels down to pat a little girl on the shoulder. Conan, Rachel and Richard stand smiling in the background.
- Conan looks at a city building as he rides a large dog down the highway.
- Several police cars drive down a highway.
- In the back of a police car, Rachel is talking to Richard. She's smiling and pointing at Conan while Richard frowns grumpily.
OVER:
Jimmy (V.O.): So we hopped in the cab to check out some case with a rich guy's daughter kidnapped and Jesus Christ money makes people crazy. Some shit went down and uh, long story short I live with my girlfriend and her dad rent free, and its a pretty sweet deal.
SUPER, WORDS APPEAR ONE AT A TIME:
"CASE CLOSED CHASE HOES."
