In the beginning… there was nothing
A void, so devoid of anything
That devoid of even a void
Well, that was except for a seed
A seed full of life
It would one day grow a tree
And that tree is…
Well, you’ll learn later
It’s kinda too early to introduce that yet
If I did this story would be too short
I gotta have some detail to it
I mean that’s kinda the whole point of a story
And also how YouTubers get more money
They literally just yap for 20 minutes
But anyway I’m getting sidetracked
So I’ll get back to the story
That seed drifted through the void for millions of years
But, scientists wеre perplexеd
What was making that seed move?
There had to have been something that had started its movement
What could it be?
What could it be??
There was nothing in the void to slow its movement
So because of Newton’s first law
We know why it kept moving all those years
And also the scientists weren't in the void, this was millions of years later
Then, one day, a scientist from Shitballisia solved the mystery
Using data from a scan of the tree planted by the seed
It was found that bacteria, billions of years old
Was in the tree
This bacteria was thought to have been in the seed
Drifting through the cosmos in what would one day become that tree
And so, scientists carefully extracted the bacteria
And upon very close inspection, a shocking discovery was made
All of the bacteria were miniature shitball63s
They sung, they danced, they were full of joy
They were the ones who had brought this seed to Earth
Twas their plan the whole time, and Geoph, were people grateful for them
And on this tree, was a God
Well not an actual God but it was pretty great
But the only god is Geoph
So I guess you could say it was something god-LIKE
No one could ever beat Geoph
Like really how could you?
He is THE God
Anyway, on that tree was an apple
Not only was this an apple
It was also a fruit
Kinda like me
Now the thing is
This apple was not like the tech company
The difference here is that it…
Was GODLY (still not like geoph level though)
Actually maybe it was sponsored by geoph
I mean it did land in a geophist country
And i may or may not be the great ruler of Shitballisia
You guys should visit at some point
Anyway, we have this epic pie industry
And one day, I heard a voice from the apple
“BAKE ME YOU BITCH”
Like damn calm down
So I got all the greatest pie makers
And I told them all to make a delicious pie
Make sure it was baked to perfection
Make sure it was awe-inspiring
Now these men were experts
They even had great cakes of their own
Very delicious ones might I add
Truly amazing
One the pie was done baking, it was taken out of the oven
And it was STEAMY as all HELL
I’m currently writing this on a library computer and its so fun
I dont know if im allowed to swear so i’ll test the waters
FUCK!
Okay I think im fine
So, the pie, in all its glory, there in the center of Shitballisiaopolis Cityvillesburg City
(The most glorious city of all time)
Until one day, the people grew curious
“What is this pie doing here?!?!”
“Who made this pie?”
“And why is it so sexy!?!?”
Well I’ll tell you why, I MADE IT!
I didn’t just hire those big hunky professional chefs
I am a big hunky professional chef
Yeah~
I’m just that cool
So cool, I even decided to let the people taste the pie
I cut it into little slices
1, 2, 3, 4, 5… 61, 62, shitball63, 64… 523, 524… 827, 828, 830.,,, and there we go, 831 slices
The people cheered, my enemies sneered
For the pie granted mystical powers
Their eyes turned blue, like Sans Undertale
And they began to sing…
“Oh, Lord Geoph, you’ve blessed us with this pie
Any day, my Lord, for you I would die
To celebrate this gift, we must build
Something grand, to symbolize our guild”
And build those people did!
They build a grand machine
With their superpowers from the epic pie
They built a grand monument for you and I
Twas a statue, tall and bold
Twas a sculpture to honor, young and old
At the crotch they cut a hole
And the story was told
“Hear ye, hear ye, the sculpture is finished!”
The people burst into cheer
What a monumentous day in Shitballisiaopolis Cityvilleburgstonland City history!
It was time to hold a celebration!
“Are you guys ready for the big reveal?” I said to them
The people all shouted, they were ready
I pulled off the veil from the statue
“How magnificent! What is it?” the people asked, so I told them
This my friends
Is the Slap-Ass Gum-Ball Machine…
