[Verse 1]
I'll tell you all the story
Of a man named Big Bad Ron
A cowboy oh so heinous
That they called him Satan's spawn
You better hide your children
And you better hide your wife
'Cause if he rolled into your town...
It was anything but nice!
[Pre-Chorus, Ike, Barkeeper]
Sarsaparillas all around? What a nice thing to do!
That ain't a villainy thing to do, this song's about a villain!
[Chorus]
Big Bad Ron!
[Verse 2, Ike, Ron]
Ron only bought the barroom drinks
So they'd let down their guard
'Cause next he made a beeline
For some men just playing cards
I wipe the floor with men like you
That's why I'm filthy rich!
But now I'm a changed man, he said
Instead, let's play Go Fish!
He tipped the barkeep thirty bucks
That's twenty-fivе percent
Then hе tipped his hat as well
And then into the streets he went
[Chorus]
Good Guy Ron!
[Post-Chorus]
Just want to sing a song about a villain here!
Forget this guy, move on
[Verse 3, Ike, Citizen]
Now that it occurs to me
I may have pegged Ron wrong
But I needed someone evil
And I chose this type of song
I'm sure that someone else
Will be the villain of this town
Either way, I wrote this song
And so I think I'll double down
Ooh! That looks like a villain!
Here walks a truly scary gal
They call her Bullseye Betty
A perfect shot in every way
Her palms were never sweaty
She walked into the streets and someone yelled--
She's got a gun!
Reckon they was wrong
Because Bets didn't carry one? How?
Betty, she preached safety
And responsible gun ownership
She believed all people
Could get on in fellowship
[Chorus]
Safety Betty!
[Post-Chorus, spoken]
Gosh dang it, shoot somebody!
She ain't a villain either, move on!
Ooh! Screams!
[Verse 4, Ike, Mother]
Screams were heard in a part of town
We hadn't yet explored
Finally, we found our villain
Go faster, I implore!
From the doctor's office
Out stepped Bloody Mary Smith
You could hear her victim's scream
Oh my, don't it make you sick?
Thank you!
Said a woman with her bouncy baby boy
Without you, I'd be dead
Instead you delivered my bundle of joy!
[Chorus]
Best Midwife!
[Post-Chorus, spoken}
Unbelievable!
I thought for sure she was a murderer!
She's covered in cleavers!
'Kay, guess that's not the villain either
Ooh! Gunshots!
[Verse 5]
Some outlaws robbed a bank
And then they booked it for the train
Their gunshots all rang out
They were violent and insane
They opened up their sacks
And gave their money to the poor--
Really? They were just giving the money to poor people!
Where are the villains?
[Verse 6, Ike, Damsel]
Wait wait, hold on
Not a villain, but she might be able to get us to one
You a damsel? You get kidnapped by villains a lot?
No, what are you talking about? Ugh
Yes!
Enter a bandito
Simple murder in his veins
He was looking for a damsel
To be thrown before a train
He chased her with a knife
And he got closer ever--
Ugh, it's her birthday?
What a misdirect!
[Verse 7, Ike, Intoxicator, Devil]
Ehehe! I poisoned the town well!
Good job, thank you!
Finally, a villain worthy of a--
I put fluoride in there!
People's teeth are gonna be so nice and shiny!
Is anyone here bad?
Yes!
The Devil came from down below, said
Fiddle for your soul?
Nevermind, just have it!
I got a new one, this one's old!
[Chorus]
Good Guy Devil!
{interlude]
How? Enough! Enough of this!
You people are not doing the West right!
Do something bad!
Do something villainous!
Do something evil! *gunshots*
*bell tower tolling*
[Bridge, Ike, Matthew]
I guess I came in hot
To find a bad guy for this song
I thought the West was evil
But this town has proved me wrong
It seems I am judgemental
And perhaps I don't belong
Perhaps, then, if I judge, I've been a villain...
...All along
This is how we punish people 'round here
[Chorus]
Good and Bad Everybody!
