Volume 1 here's toast to forever
This is vibrance, this is vibrance, I've been slowly dying in silence
I've been dying out real silent, more dreams than I've got cash
But living's harder than dying
And living on is violent
Keeping two sides, this is contraband
Life is a game like Contra man
I know I did it because I can see the veins in my hand
I've took turns with them so much times I remember a few names
It's always in my hands but it seems to be not
I tie my stomach in knots
I beat myself up, even if I don't want it
It's a digital dystopia and I stare at what I'll never have
I smear it on these sheets and trust me, I don't want to be in between those walls
I need my feelings to go away, waking up is hard, but I can put myself to sleep
I'm an addict and I can't deny it
All this time and I thought I was finding myself
I first took it to myself at the tender age of twelve
It felt good, I felt like a new flower blooming
It was the greatest feeling ever but all the good days are over
Now it feels dirty, now it ain't pure
It isn't bout exploration, it's about filling my needs
And it's something I do so I don't have to sit alone with my own thoughts, because sometimes I scare myself and
I'm everyone's friend on the outside but, I realize I don't deserve happiness when I sit alone
Because I'm fucked up, I fuck myself up over and over, till I'm fucked over
And I've thought of everything and everyone I've ever known while did it
And I thought of everyone I've loved when I decided to take myself out
I put up a smile amidst the fits of shame everytime I see them walking by, because they trusted me and I betrayed them in my mind
And for all the scary nights I couldn't control myself
For all the scary nights I wish I could take one to the chest
I had to wash it all away just to disguise the scent
I know I'll never wash away my sins again
And I'd like an easy route to fame but would that compromise
On my last chance at real love?
It's pungent, it's disgusting, it feels like there's life in the water
Something's crying out to me
And the only time I stayed off of it, I put my pills on the table
I went into a deeper state despair than I think I could
And I tried to choke myself as The Knowing rang behind me
And I wish I could drown in that water tank, go out with a bang
I've seen things in my dreams that I'll never see in real life
Your biggest nightmares are what I call my dreams
And I've got some friends I'd like to call
Quote on quote friends, because I know they'd never like the real me
This is vibrance, this is vibrance, I've been slowly dying in silence
I've been dying out real silent, more dreams than I've got cash
But living's harder than dying
And living on is violent
Keeping two sides, this is contraband
Life is a game like Contra man
I know I did it because I can see the veins in my hand
Is there a way out?
There's one but that involves being ostracized from everyone I love, everyone I know, everything I've known
They'll have to fill these bald spots or fit fake curls
They'll have to extend something, and make others shorter
So I cut them off, and I try to be myself without doing it to myself
I want a night of sleep in peace, I want to quit shaking in my sleep
And I don't want to be paranoid of people watching me shake it in my sleep
I'm addicted, and when it's out I'm a different person
It's withdrawals off a common uncommon addiction
I feel like the man, or somewhere in limbo
They call it an abomination
And then I miss one of my sides when I'm done, but I know they'll never coexist
Just as I'll never get along with some people that show love to me
So I'm down again, and I'd like to take flight off the roof tonight
To make all my leather dreams come true, or make my mother happy, that might be only real dream, but it's unrealistic
I'm know i'm not alone, there's tons of people on their last legs, on their last bearings, before they give in
But If I couldn't get this off my chest, I would be as well
See, no threads will be loosened at the seams
I've got no friends in the industry or outside it
Everyone's different on the outside, everyone hides what's inside
Let that seep in, let that rub salt into your wounds
If you wonder what live's for, it's too make a fool of yourself
And the more your try to wade the water, the faster you sink
I wish I could drown in there tonight
I know I won't grow no more, but I don't want to
I want to cut my legs off
I want to be a kid again
I'd love to go back to those years where everything was oh so simple
But I got to tell myself to quit hoping for things I'll never find
I warn you, you're never safe, cause there's sharks in those penthouse pools, in the matter of a second, your life could be on the line
And you could fret about your problems but they'll never dissappear
You could tell me all your fears, you could wipe away your tears
I'm talking to myself because I've always been my only real friend
I could don a little outfit but I'll never match the mark
And that goes for all fronts because they'll never let people that look like me follow their hearts
You could take the spark from a match and tear the world apart
And you could win all your matches but still come in last
And you could get far ahead, but no matter what, you'll always be stuck in the past, your years ahead but lightyears behind
And for every drop that you sweat, fate won't leave any doors ajar for yourself
I need to tell myself to alter the deity that I worship
Or do I want to be everything it is?
I see her in every woman
So I need to stop stalking her and I need to leave her alone
She's the girl of my dreams, but she's out of my bounds out of my reach
You'll never be with her in this life, don't even try, codename hj
Oh your poor soul, you tried to wear your heart on your sleeve
But this world's too cut-throat to be oh so pure
And your sleeves aren't long enough, so they can't hide all the battle scars, cuts and bruises on shoulders
And if you've made it thus far, you better thank your lucky stars, here's a toast to forever, but don't you thank god
Because they were really the only ones that watched out for you every time you thought you wouldn't make it out
But if I made it on the scene, I promise myself I'll never fake it
I'll be the one that stands out from the crowd
I tried to yell "cut" on my film by cutting myself, but as fate would have it, the show goes on, I ain't going out yet, I'll wait a while, nevermind, I'll only be here for a few more minutes
This is vibrance, this is vibrance, I've been slowly dying in silence
I've been dying out real silent, more dreams than I've got cash
But living's harder than dying
And living on is violent
Keeping two sides, this is contraband
Life is a game like Contra man
I know I did it because I can see the veins in my hand
The ordeal never finishes but she could make it a lot shorter
Or for the forever ordeal, I could make it short, because I've got too much time on my hands, too much years on my hands, everything's in my hands, thank god for my hands
I finish on myself again, but I don't really need someone else to put it on
I put it down my own chords, I'm a mess, I'm a mess
These aren't even my own drums or my own chords
I choked up my vocal chords, I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I disturb myself
I'm imploring you to strike a little chord and pose
Don't play second fiddle to anyone because that's what I did
I need to clean out my old soles and clean my soul out
I'm all zoned out, vision blurry
I think I'm dead and high again
There ain't no word more harmful than never
Put your guns towards forever
You'll pay for it if you don't, cause I didn't either
Nothing comes free in your life, and if it do
Then you're the product
Your only true obstacle is you
At least that's what you tell you
Hold hands against the common enemy if you could
So hold your own hand
And they'll make a debacle of your every move
They'll teach you how to hate yourself
They'll make you want to kill yourself
They'll try to manipulate your words and spin them into lies
Take cover before they do
And cover yourself from the stormy weather
Cause I tell you, nothing can save you from the storm that burns inside you
So keep yourself on the highest shelf
Your well-being is first priority, because no one else could really care about anything but themselves
Keep going on and on, till you've run out of bounds
Pick up your saddle and come back home, you're never too off the mark, and it's never too late to be the prodigal son
This is vibrance, this is vibrance, I've been slowly dying in silence
I've been dying out real silent, more dreams than I've got cash
But living's harder than dying
And living on is violent
Keeping two sides, this is contraband
Life is a game like Contra man
I know I did it because I can see the veins in my hand
I'll be six feet under, I'll be one with the land
And I'll probably see the man
Ask him why he gave me this life, man
