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Cover Art

Got No Beard Lyrics by The Longest Johns

Cures What Ails Ya

2020

[Verse 1]
I once met a man who said he was a fan
He wanted to sing in my shanty band
But the bottom of his face looked weird (SO WEIRD!)
There was skin on his chin that I loathed and feared
From his crown to ear he was most sincere
But you can't sing shanties if you got no beard!

[Chorus]
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!

[Verse 2]
I once met a girl who heard sea songs
She came to the show and she sung along
But her timing with the shout was slow (SO SLOW!)
She was graced with a face like the morning glow
But a holler was a blow from the very front row said:
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'HO'!

[Chorus]
Can't shout 'ho!', can't shout 'ho!'
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'ho'!
Can't shout 'ho!', can't shout 'ho!'
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'ho'!
And you've got no beard!

[Verse 3]
I once met a guy on a weird machine
Had wheels and a bell, no mast to be seen
He was shouting from a pad of notes (NO NOTES!)
And the wheels got caught on his overcoat
And he fell from the pier clawing at his throat
So: you can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat

[Chorus]
Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat!
You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat
Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat!
You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat
And you can't shout: 'ho!', and you've got no beard!

[Verse 4]
I once met a bloke on a tavern floor
He'd had ten beers but I had ten more
And his piggy little face was pink, (SO PINK!)
He tried to shout the words but t'were all out of sync
With a voice so bad it'll make you think that:
You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink

[Chorus]
Can't hold your drink, you can't hold a drink
You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
You can't hold a drink you can't hold a drink
You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
And you don't own a boat, and you can't shout: 'ho!'
And you've got no beard!

[Verse 5]
I once met a sailor all big and broad
With an eye-patch, parrot, and a long curved sword
Had a chest like a powder keg (BIG CHEST)
But he had both shoes and he smelled like eggs
I expect he would look better with a wooden peg
'cause you can't sing shanties if you got two legs

[Chorus]
Got two legs, you've got two legs
You can't sing shanties if you've got two legs
Got two legs, you've got two legs
You can't sing shanties if you've got two legs
And you can't hold your drink, and you don't own a boat
And you can't shout 'ho!', and you've got no beard!

[Bridge]
Well: Anna's got no beard
And Dave: he has a bike
Robbie's father-in-law has boats but won't sing on the mic
And JD can't shout HO because his wife takes much offense
And Andy's got two beautiful hairy legs
But there's no reason good enough not to join us
So sing along with the very last chorus!

[Chorus]
TWO-THREE-FOUR
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard
And you've got two legs, and you can't hold your drink
And you don't own a boat, and you can't shout 'ho!'
And you've got no beard!
Credits
The Longest Johns

The Longest Johns

About “Got No Beard” by The Longest Johns

Read the complete lyrics to "Got No Beard" by The Longest Johns from the album "Cures What Ails Ya" in 2020. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Sea Shanty, Folk, Pop.

"Got No Beard" is performed by The Longest Johns. from the album "Cures What Ails Ya" in 2020 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Got No Beard", explore more songs by The Longest Johns using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for The Longest Johns · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Got No Beard" is credited to The Longest Johns. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Got No Beard" appears on "Cures What Ails Ya" in 2020.

Visit the The Longest Johns artist page at /artist/the-longest-johns for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.

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