Lyrks
Lyrks
Lyrks
Cover Art

Texts Lyrics by The Nostalgia Critic

The Phantom of the Opera (musical review)

2016

(Chart Guy 2:)
What the fuck?!
It's a bunch of crap!
I mean, what the fuck?!
(Chart Guy 1:) Chart Guy, shut your trap
(Chart Guy 2:)
Launder all the dough!
Grab up all the cash!
Up to Mexico!
(Chart Guy 1:) Are you high on crack?
(Chart Guy 2:) Have you seen these latest texts?
(Chart Guy 1:) Oh, dear Christ - whatever's next?
(Chart Guy 1:)
Dear Chart Guys, I am LMAO
So glad that Hyper Fangirl left
If you could grant my wish
And just fire that bitch
Faster though
I'm so afraid her mugging will be
Rubbing off on scrumtalescent Beth!
(Chart Guys:)
Who would have the balls to send this?
Someone with Rob Schneider's brain
(Chart Guy 2:) These are both signed FG
(Chart Guy 1:) Who the Hell is he?
(Chart Guys:)
Fandumb Ghost!
He's a predatory vapor
To expect us just to cater
Like Darth Vader to his Emperor Palpatine
(Tim:) Where is she?
(Chart Guy 2:) Oh, God, I'm deaf!
(Tim:) My precious girlfriend, where is she?
(Chart Guy 1:) You mean Beth?
(Tim:)
I want an answer
I think she was my only ride home...
(Chart Guy 2:) Uh, why don't you call her?
(Tim:) A voicemail!
(Chart Guy 1:) For the love of God!
(Tim:)
And now a text...
But not from Beth!
Is this something you would have sent?
(Chart Guy 1:) And what is it that you think we have sent?
(Hyper:) Where is he?
(Chart Guy 1:) I need a drink!
(Hyper:) Nostalgia Critic, where is he?
(Chart Guy 1:) What did he do?
(Hyper:)
He didn't chase me after I left
Am I not worth it?
(Fandumb – singing:)
I shall give you one last chance
Hyper Fangirl's not too good, you see
And I've molded Beth into something like me
In the new reviewing of the Phantom
You will therefore cast your Fangirl as the toilet
And give the starring role to bland, sub-par Beth
(Fandumb – spoken:)
I will watch the performance from my normal seat, which, like the movie, would be very easy to capture me if you wanted to. But you won't, because you are stupid. Should these demands be ignored, something really, really, REALLY, really, really bad will happen... Maybe I'll shit in the buffet or something. But probably not that, since I just gave it away. By the way, don't eat the soup...
(Hyper:) Hell, no!
(Chart Guy 2:) I ate the soup!
(Hyper:) Read my lips, I said, "Hell, no!"
(Chart Guy 2:) I need to puke!
(Hyper:)
I'm not your potty
I'm going, I'm leaving!
Tim: Oh, sweet, then can you drive me?
(Chart Guy 1:)
Enough!
Fangirl is our one leading star
With a fanbase
(Chart Guys:) The focus groups all tend to agree...
(Tim:) Why didn't I buy a second car?
(Hyper:) He'll kill you both!
(Chart Guys:) Fangirl, you are the star
(Chester A. Bum:) Have you seen my shoes?
(Hyper:) What? This song is so confusing
(Jim Jaroz:) Here's your pizza
(Tim:) I need a lift
(Chester A. Bum:) Oh, they're on my toes
(Jim Jaroz:) I need a tip
(Hyper:) Aaaaaaah!
(Chart Guys:) You'd better sing for us
(Hyper:) Aaaaaaah!
(Chart Guys:) Don't be such a butt munch
(Hyper, Tim and Chart Guys:) Can we all stop talking at once?
Credits
The Nostalgia Critic

The Nostalgia Critic

About “Texts” by The Nostalgia Critic

Read the complete lyrics to "Texts" by The Nostalgia Critic from the album "The Phantom of the Opera (musical review)" in 2016. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Musicals, Review, Parody.

"Texts" is performed by The Nostalgia Critic. from the album "The Phantom of the Opera (musical review)" in 2016 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Texts", explore more songs by The Nostalgia Critic using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for The Nostalgia Critic · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Texts" is credited to The Nostalgia Critic. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Texts" appears on "The Phantom of the Opera (musical review)" in 2016.

Visit the The Nostalgia Critic artist page at /artist/the-nostalgia-critic for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.