[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN]
Do do do do do do do
Do do do do do
Do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do
Do do do do do do
Do do do do do do
Ooh
The Solve It Squad!
[KEITH]
Oh!
I ain't afraid of no ghost
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN]
The Solve It Squad!
[SCRAGS]
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN]
The Solve It Squad!
[ESTHER]
Aaaaaah!
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN]
The Solve It Squad!
[GWEN]
Oohhhhh
[MONSTER 1]
*howls*
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN, spoken]
Clyde Buchanan? The town travel agent?
[KEITH, spoken]
I knew it!
[CLYDE BUCHANAN, spoken]
And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddlesome hooligans!
[ESTHER, spoken]
Uh, I think not, Mr. Buchanan. You see, while you were terrorizing the tourists at the Mayberry Gardens YMCA, it wasn’t just werewolf hair that was clogging the drain. It was your toupee hair as well! Just a little cross referencing with your recent credit card purchases and the sales from the wig shop and I had you pinned
[CLYDE BUCHANAN, spoken]
Who the hell is giving a middle schooler access to bank records?
[ESTHER, spoken]
Furthermore, your medical records indicate that you suffer from alopecia, so all that shedding made you a perfect match
[CLYDE BUCHANAN, spoken]
I’m very self conscious about that, you little shit!
[ESTHER, spoken]
Furthermore, werewolves aren’t real!
[ESTHER]
Esther’s my name
And I was born with the brains
From my bifocals down to my Mary Jane’s
Ooh ooh
I’m severely near-sighted
Jinkies!
Jeepers!
Where the jink are my jinking glasses?
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN]
The Solve It Squad!
The Solve It Squad!
[MONSTER 2]
Muahahahaha!
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN, spoken]
Harold Pendergast? Famous community theatre actor?
[HAROLD PENDERGAST, spoken]
Out, damn spot! Out, I say! Those rare diamonds I’ve been stealing off the vintage costumery for the spring production of Tartuffe would’ve been mine if it wasn’t for you nosy nitwits!
[KEITH, spoken]
Good thing I had the idea to send you undercover, huh, Gwen? Also, you were fantastic in the show, honey. I love you so much
[HAROLD PENDERGAST, spoken]
Gwen, please! We had a connection onstage. Couldn’t you feel it? I was ready to make you my leading lady!
[GWEN, spoken]
Um, hello? I am already the star of someone else’s show. Also, I’m fifteen, you sicko!
[ESTHER, spoken]
Uh, hey, Scrags? I believe that’s prop popcorn
[SCRAGS, spoken]
Prop-corn? I thought these were chips!
[GWEN, spoken]
It was obvious, really. I was hiding backstage under the prop table when I noticed the witch snooping around. As I got closer, I noticed a pretty big bulge under her robes. That’s when it dawned on me. Witches don’t have penises!
[KEITH, spoken]
I’m sorry, what did you say?
[GWEN]
Gwen is my name
I’m danger prone, I guess
Part starlet, part harlot, part damsel in distress
But I pick the parts I play
And I love to go undercover
[CLUEBERT]
*laughs*
[ESTHER, spoken]
Whoa, is that an erection? Neat!
[SCRAGS, spoken]
Oh, Keith, not in front of the dog!
[KEITH, spoken]
Let’s never talk about this again!
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN]
The Solve It Squad!
The Solve It Squad!
[MONSTER 3]
*gurgling*
Ah!
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN, spoken]
Melanie Butler? Celebrity chef and restauranteur?
[MELANIE BUTLER, spoken]
One of my many successful Butler seafood buffets would be in construction as we speak if it wasn’t for you foolish brats!
[SCRAGS, spoken]
And tear down Aunt Lyla’s famous fish and chips stand, our fourth favorite lunch spot? No way, muchacho
[CLUEBERT, spoken]
I knew when we met this lady, something was...fishy!
[SCRAGS, ESTHER & GWEN, spoken]
Cluebert!
[KEITH, spoken]
And me, right? You all saw what I did back there!
[CLUEBERT, spoken]
You mean fall on your face and make an ass of yourself?
[ESTHER, spoken]
Hey, scrags! It’s a good thing you and Cluebert were hiding in that walk-in fridge, or we would have never caught Melanie
[SCRAGS, spoken]
Hiding? We were having a sn–
[CLUEBERT, spoken]
Don’t rat us out, buddy!
[KEITH, SCRAGS, ESTHER & GWEN, spoken]
Cluebert!
[SCRAGS]
The name is Scrags
My attention span is short
I got a high metabolism and a panic disorder
[CLUEBERT, spoken]
Boo!
[SCRAGS]
Zoinks!
Cluebert, you are my best friend
[CLUEBERT]
*kisses Scrags*
[SCRAGS, spoken]
Oh, awww!
[KEITH, SCRAGS, ESTHER & GWEN, spoken]
Cluebert!
[KEITH, spoken]
Okay, let’s stop that please
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN]
The Solve It Squad!
The Solve It Squad!
[GWEN, spoken]
Keith, will you just tell us who the mummy is already?
[KEITH, spoken]
Hell yeah, but can we get a replay on that last catch? I mean, not only did I trip the mummy and send him into the suits of armor, but then they did the domino thing. The domino thing, guys! That is, like, classic us. More like “Awww, Keith!” Right?
[CLUEBERT, spoken]
Woof
[KEITH, spoken]
Okay, okay, okay. Does anybody have any final guesses as to who the mummy is?
[GWEN, spoken]
Jesus, Keith!
[ESTHER, spoken]
It’s clearly Professor Baxtresser from the museum
[KEITH, spoken]
Wrong! It is Doctor Siebers, the veterinarian. Don’t believe me? Suck on this. I go to see Doctor Siebers, like, twice a week to get medicine for my gecko, and the last time I was there, I couldn’t help but notice a bunch more metal tools. That’s right. Metal tools. Like the ones being stolen from the science center, melted down and sold for thousands of dollars on the black market. And I thought, “Huh, Keith, don’t veterinarians make a lot less money than doctors and therefore make them more susceptible to things like thievery?” Yeah! Seems like pretty irrefutable evidence, doesn’t it…? Professor Baxtresser from the museum…
[GWEN, spoken]
Finally!
[PROFESSOR BAXTRESSER, spoken]
And I would’ve gotten away with it, too–
[KEITH, spoken]
No one cares, bro
[KEITH]
Keith is my name
And I’m the leader of the crew
I do what I like and I like Gwen
Ooh ooh
[GWEN, spoken]
Ew
[SCRAGS, spoken]
Ew
[ESTHER, spoken]
Ew
[CLUEBERT, spoken]
Keith! Jesus Christ!
[KEITH]
Hotty totty!
I’m the man with the plan with the van
And a brown belt in karate
[KEITH, SCRAGS, CLUEBERT, ESTHER & GWEN]
The Solve It Squad!
The Solve It Squad!
[KEITH, SCRAGS, ESTHER & GWEN]
Cluebert, you’re the tie that binds us all as one
[SCRAGS]
You make it so much fun
[KEITH, SCRAGS, ESTHER & GWEN]
Cluebert, we love–
