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Alternative Tango Lyrics by Victoria Wood

Real Life: The Songs

1997

[Verse 1]
I never wanted to say "nig-nog"
I was never keen on "Paki"
Or "capitalist lackey"
I thought was rather tacky
It was never on my lips
But there's a term I'm rather fond of
And to use it I do hanker
Its not heard in Casablanca
The little word is "wanker"
As a term its had it's chips

[Chorus 1]
They say its not correct
Its got to go
They say its too direct
Well I don't know
If it is never heard
Then how convey
That very special word
Another way?

[Verse 2]
He is a little self abusive
His mitts are always in his nicks
He prefers to jiggle solo
Hе prefers his own last Rolo
To a bag of pick-and-mix
He writеs for 'Masturbation Weekly'
When opportunity occurs
If you're buying him a present
His and hers things can be pleasant
But don't bother wrapping hers

[Verse 3]
I never wanted to say "fart face"
I don't find "arsehole" too appealing
It depends with whom you're dealing
And its just a personal feeling
But I don't like how it sounds
But political correctness
Has taken hold just like a canker
I would like to nick a tanker
And run down the stupid wanker
Who has put it out of bounds

[Chorus 2]
Alright its not correct
I'm out of touch
But please reflect
It says so much
Are there some other ways?
Its such a shame
Is there another phrase
That means the same?

[Verse 4]
His scrotum isn't used to strangers
There are no condoms on his shelf
When his tones caress and soften
When he asks "Do you come here often?"
He is talking to himself
He'll never need a big address book
'Cos all his friends are in his flies
A dick may sometimes disappear
But it won't drag you 'round Ikea
Or buy you polyester ties

[Chorus 3]
And if its not correct
Its awfully cute
I feel I must reject
A substitute
Though it may make you squirm
You find it strong
To use another term
Just takes so long

[Verse 5]
His favourite film is 'Brief Encounter'
He has the tissues standing by
He thought 'Get Shorty' was just silly
He was mad about 'Free Willy'
And its easy to see why
His wrists keep very fit and active
They'll never need to join a gym
He has no need of friend or neighbour
He can toss without a caber
Altogether lucky him

[Verse 6]
The world is full of different people
Some are moral, some are heinous
Some are ugly, some like Venus
Some take photos of their penis
We all have our different acts
And as the world turns through a new day
We know that bankers will be banking
Harassed mothers will be spanking
No doubt wankers will be thanking you and me for facing facts
Credits
Victoria Wood

Victoria Wood

About “Alternative Tango” by Victoria Wood

Read the complete lyrics to "Alternative Tango" by Victoria Wood from the album "Real Life: The Songs" in 1997. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Pop.

"Alternative Tango" is performed by Victoria Wood. from the album "Real Life: The Songs" in 1997 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Alternative Tango", explore more songs by Victoria Wood using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for Victoria Wood · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Alternative Tango" is credited to Victoria Wood. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Alternative Tango" appears on "Real Life: The Songs" in 1997.

Visit the Victoria Wood artist page at /artist/victoria-wood for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.

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