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Phone Call to Americans Lyrics by Albert Brooks

A Star is Bought

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A Phone Call to Americans
[DTMF signals to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"]
[clears throat] Hello? Are some Americans there? Oh, alright. Never mind! I'll write them a letter!
A Letter to Americans
Dear Americans:
Well, I was calling to invite you to a party. It seems that a certain country that we both live in is celebrating her two-hundredth birthday. But before you R.S.V.P., maybe you ought to know a little more about the birthday girl!
America was born on July 4th, 1776. The doctors thought she wouldn't live past her second birthday. Of course, thеy didn't have the medical tеchnology we have today! Why, do you know today, doctors can keep a man's kidneys alive, even without his permission?
And what about America's kidneys? The mighty Colorado; the majestic Mississippi; the blue Pacific! You know, the Pacific wasn't always blue. America was once a happy place, a place where there was no…unhappiness…
But then in 1802, something strange happened to change all that. I don't remember what it was, but I do know that when I read about it, it made me sick. And I had to stay in bed for a few days, and…and drink plenty of liquids. Oh, I feel better now; although, I still throw up for no apparent reason, and at night, my feet seem to swell…
And when they do, I feel bad – until I think of the man who…has no shoes…
So where's it all end? To hamburgers, French fries, and a malted? To go, my country, "Why can't we eat it here?"
There used to be a time when Mother's Day was a whole week in July!
What happened, gams? There used to be a thing called the Liberty Bell!
[ding]
Oh, alright, maybe it's still there. But what about Texas, and Brooklyn, and Iwo Jima? Are they still there, too?
Americans can put a man on the moon, yet we still forget our trash day!
And there once was a man called "Ruth"! Heh, heh, funny name for a man – "Ruth"!
Today, we have Golden Arches, but our feet still hurt!
We play "The Star-Spangled Banner" at ball games, but still one team always loses!
We check into hotels, but hotels won't take our checks! Well, they won't take mine!
Angry? You bet I'm angry, mister!
For you see, I used to be…one hell of a woman!
Thanks for listening!
Credits
Albert Brooks

Albert Brooks

About “Phone Call to Americans” by Albert Brooks

Read the complete lyrics to "Phone Call to Americans" by Albert Brooks from the album "A Star is Bought". On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Non-Music.

"Phone Call to Americans" is performed by Albert Brooks. from the album "A Star is Bought" This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Phone Call to Americans", explore more songs by Albert Brooks using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"Phone Call to Americans" is credited to Albert Brooks. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Phone Call to Americans" appears on "A Star is Bought".

Visit the Albert Brooks artist page at /artist/albert-brooks for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.