[Starts with a seal of President of the United States]
Announcer: And now, a message from the president of the United States
[Cut to Donald Trump in his office]
Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited about summer, getting around that those things I never have time for. Golf, visiting friends in prison, and enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China. It’s been an incredible year for our economy. Our American economy is on fire. I’m going to tell you if it’s a fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground. But it’s some kind of fire. So, I’m on cruise control to a second term and there’s nothing thе democrats in congress can do about it. So sit back and enjoy thе ride, America, because tonight, well
[music playing]
Tonight, I’m going to have a real good time
[Melania Trump joins and sits on the desk]
Melania Trump: He feels alive
Donald Trump: And the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah!
[Mike Pence joins and sits on the desk]
Mike Pence: And float around in ecstasy
Melania Trump and Mike Pence: So don’t stop him now
Everybody: Don’t stop him cause he’s having a good time having a good time
[Sarah Sanders joins and sits on the desk]
Sarah Sanders: He’s a loose cannon rippin’ up the laws of society you can’t subpoena him he’s gonna obstruct
Melania Trump: He’s a billionaire unless you take a look at his tax returns He’s going to hide, hide, hide, oh there’s no showing you
Donald Trump: I’m burning every page picking every fight
Melania Trump: That’s why they call him Mr. Bad Advice cause he listens to the Fox News guys
Mike Pence: I want to make a super straight man out of you
Everybody: Don’t stop us now we’re having such a good time
Donald Trump: I’m having a ball!
Sarah Sanders: Having a ball!
Everybody: Don’t stop us now you wanna a huge distraction[Kanye West joins with his arms around Donald Trump’s shoulders]
Kanye West: Just give Yeezy a call man!
Everybody: Don’t stop us now we’re having a good time don’t stop us now we’re having a good time We don’t wanna stop at all
[Clarence Thomas comes in]
Clarence Thomas: Yes, the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion we got the votes now women are screwed
[Clarence Thomas leaves]
Melania Trump: It was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago
But no, no, no
All men are still in control
Donald Trump: I’m searching bible guide now
Melania Trump: he’s throwing stones and he lives in a big glasshouse He cheated on every spouse
Mike Pence: I want to make a chick-fil-a man out of you
[Rudy Giuliani joins]
Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me
Rudy Giuliani: Wonderful wall
Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me
Rudy Giuliani: Do you guys like tariffs?
Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me
Rudy Giuliani: Hundred bucks for a tomato?
Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me
Rudy Giuliani: I ain’t sweatin’ it
[Rudy Giuliani is playing a guitar solo]
Sarah Sanders: Oh he’s throwing out the lies, yeah
Donald Trump: One tweet at a time
Melania Trump: And he’s got the best and brightest guys that’s why most of them are serving time
Mike Pence: I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you
[music stops]
Melania Trump: Mike, no. What are you doing?
Mike Pence: I’m sorry, the queen music gets me all riled up
[Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump join everybody]
Donald Trump Jr.: Hey dad, why weren’t we invited to sing?
Eric Trump: Yeah
Donald Trump: Son, and Eric. I’m sorry I forgot about you guys
Eric Trump: Well, I want to sing the song too
Donald Trump: All right, Eric, go ahead
[music playing] [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]
Eric Trump: It’s time to play the music it’s time to light the lights It’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight
[music stops] [Cut to everybody]
Donald Trump: All right. Let’s wrap this up. The NBA finals are coming up. I need to invite the three white players over for McDonald’s
[Cut to Robert Mueller]
Robert Mueller: Wait a second. [Cheers and applause] I have something very important to say to the American people. Something they need to hear. [Donald Trump interrupts]
Donald Trump: No collusion, no obstruction
[music playing]
So, don’t stop me now
[Cut to everybody]
Everybody: we’re having such a good time
Sarah Sanders: Just try and impeach
Everybody: Don’t stop us now
Sarah Sanders: We might even get rid of freedom of speech
Everybody: Don’t stop us now we’re having a good time don’t stop us we’re having a good time we don’t want to stop at all
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Guys, it’s been fun. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I wouldn’t be Donald Trump if I didn’t say tune in next season to see who lives and who dies
[Rudy Giuliani interrupts] Spoiler, I live. I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be mine
Donald Trump: Have a wonderful summer, America
[Cut to Everybody]
Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night
