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Bathroom Lyrics by Dane Cook

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Had to use a public restroom today... ugh
Isn't that the worst when you have to?
Godamnit... you j walk in, right. Here's the first thing, I don't care
Anywhere in the country you go, why when you walk into a public restroom
Why is everything fucking wet! Right, there's puddles
Water all over the counter. It's dripping like you're in a fucking cave
What happened? Was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath?
Just came in and-
Then god forbid you have to use the stall, right
You go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door which
Apparently Van Dam kicked in
Why are they all broken? Who was running in the bathroom
Like I gotta shit? *pound* I can't shit with a door in front of me!
*punch*
Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I shit
*punch*
Good. Broken. I like that. Now I can... shit
*punch*
Door...
Then you're sitting there, right
And then you start to read... you start reading like all the most evil
Ignorant shit ever is all around you! You just sit there
It's not just written with pencil, it's fucking CARVED!
Who is carving on the toilet?
Who is so pissed off while they're taking a crap they're like...
*fart*
Goddamn Jews!
*fart*
UGH Blacks!
*fart*
UGH! Here's my favorite too, on the walls someone always has to write...
Mike was here. But then somebody else puts an arrow and writes
Mike is a faggot
Like Mike is coming back to check it out...
What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot!
I'm trying to make a statement here
There's always like a girls number, always a girls number
Is anybody ever fucking call!...
How did you meet you're wife John?... I was taking a crap...
Credits

About “Bathroom” by Dane Cook

Read the complete lyrics to "Bathroom" by Dane Cook. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Pop.

"Bathroom" is performed by Dane Cook. This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Bathroom", explore more songs by Dane Cook using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for Dane Cook · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Bathroom" is credited to Dane Cook. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

Album information for "Bathroom" is not available in our database yet. You can still read the full lyrics on this page.

Visit the Dane Cook artist page at /artist/dane-cook for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.


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