[Produced by Kurt Feldman]
[Intro: The Artist Formerly Known as Baby Lover]
(Beats from the forge, get smithy with it)
Uh
It's Baby Lover, bitch
(Goo goo ga ga)
[Verse 1: The Artist Formerly Known as Baby Lover]
All my life I always wanted to be famous
Rappers talk with gray beef[?], but mine is angus
Livin' out the Camry, mama said I had delusions
Of bein' a sexy rapper and whippin' a Ford Fusion
I was eatin' graham crackers and some tuna for lunch
I was drinkin' OE and poopin' my pants a bunch
Now I got my own apartment makin' moves on my own
It's Baby Lover bitch, I text girls on my phone
Shawty you know I got that Google Fiber
We could watch Mr. Beast and drink some cider
Baby Lover, I'm a fucker, not a fighter
Bust it open (You can do it!), Rob Schneider
[Verse 2: Big Sneaky]
Oops, I just slipped some drink up in my molly
20,000 dollars in the suitcase for the party
Sipped yo' lean till dеpartin', I feel like I'm Dolly
She like mе 'cause I buy my groceries at Neiman Marcus
She like me 'cause she know that I ain't never been to Target
She like me 'cause she know that I stay in a big apartment
Got a condo up in Mars, she thought my name was Marvin
And all my floors is marble, I ain't never heard of carpet
You talkin' with a sergeant, baby, I'm the love captain
40 inch rims on the Hummer, trunk smackin'
Everybody stop and look when I pull the 'Lac in
Hold the 'Lac out, I had to pull it back in
Got so high I accidentally paid my taxes
Got so high I told my barber 'bout my passions
Hoes on my dick 'cause my money Anglo-Saxon
Middle fingers up, rest in peace to Toni Braxton
[Verse 3: Mr. Oh He So Goldbars]
Yeah, we countin' money like the Rain Man
Make it rain so much I need a weatherman (skrrt)
Money so slippery I need a rubber band
Dollars so American I feel like Superman (Yoooouuuu!)
See, to me, cash and money are the same thing
Ben Franklin on my paper, ain't a thang change
They say that money talks, ain't a thang change
They don't mean that literally, that's a damn shame
I got presidents to buy me all my groceries (Franklin)
I got presidents so girls show me their ovaries (Franklin)
I got presidents so I do not drive soberly
Fuck it, paid the pastor off, now I don't do my rosaries (George Washington)
Money on my mind, money on my floor
I put money out on Halloween beside my door
It's funny how the money always change 'em (yup)
Born in a bank, so I been like this since day one
My pacifier was a dollar bill since day one
If cash is baby stuff, then I will always stay one
[Verse 4: The Artist Formerly Known as Baby Lover]
Back at it again, I hope you ready for another
It's The Artist Formerly Known as Baby Lover
Label tryin' to tell me that my name was fucked up
"How you gonna love a baby? They're illegal to touch"
I said, "Hey listen, it don't mean what you think
Listen good to these rhymes, the way the words link
It's Baby 'cause I'm fat and I walk with a waddle
And it's Lover 'cause I like to kiss girls that are models"
Would you still love me if I fell off?
Would you still love me if it fell off?
Would you still suck me if it smelled off?
Would you still rub it if it went soft?
Would you like a drink baby? Know I got you[?]
We got BuzzBallz, baby, and some hot juice[?]
Would you like a snack baby? Fuck you
Fuck I look like? You think I buy food?
I get all my nutrients from my food tube
I live in a cage with a weird dude
[Interlude 1]
Hello, no one is available to take your call
Please leave a message after the tone
"Hey, it's your dad. Uh, you're never gonna make it as a rapper
Okay, love you, bye"
[Verse 5: Big Sneaky]
We just received a call about the premises
One rich-ass motherfucker, wait
Let me assess the damage first
Money old and sweet just like the candy in your granny's purse
If he talkin' sweet I have him leavin' in that candy hearse
Fuck the world raw, came inside and made the planet burst, yeugh
Sayonara to your candy ass
Back in high school, I used to teach a candy class
Droptops 101, how to get money fast
Rather cum in my own mouth than ever come in last, yeugh
Like a train I gotta come in first
Syrup so sweet you could call me Mr. Butterworth
Dick so long I made my baby mother stomach hurt
Money big, your size small[?] just like my undershirt, yeah
That big bitch just like a hambone[?]
Ass flat and white, type of shit you put a stamp on, next day delivery
I get your mans gone
Make her pussy bleed for six months just like a tampon
[Hook: Mr. Oh He So Goldbars]
Money on my mind
Steady on my grind
Optimus, I'm on my prime
Whippin' up cocaine
[Verse 6: Bart the Human]
Locked up eight months in the real workshop
Two dozen sexy elves all givin' me top
I been in my bag like the new Kris Kringle
She heard the single, yeah she tryin' to mingle
Led me to the bed like she got the red nose
Grabbin' my dingle and suckin' my toes
She guided me right, gonna make us a mess
We're on track for all night, all Rudolph, no Hess
I eat her cookie and she wants my milk
Butt naked on the floor on a sheet made of silk
Till the sun comes up, this shit don't get boring
Tearin' up her box like it's Christmas morning
I'm geekin' out now and she's goin' down
Then we smoke a little tree like it's Charlie Brown
[Interlude 2]
Hello, no one is available to take your call
Please leave a message after the tone
"Hey, it's your mother calling
I love you sweetie pie sugar plums
I know you're not answering the phone because you're hard at work with a pen and a pad spitting bar after bar of lyrical genius
Fulfilling your destiny as the street poet of our times
But I just want you to know you're the greatest rapper of all time and a decent son
I don't know what else to say
I know you texted me and told me to call you and leave you a really heartfelt voicemail
But I don't know really what angle you want me to go for at all
Anyway, I hope this is good enough for the voicemail for your album
I love you"
[Verse 7: Mr. Oh He So Goldbars]
Poppin' any kinds of pills, that's unlawful (illegal)
Come up in my house, you might end up like waffle
I run up on 'em with the nozzle
Smokin' Godzilla dro, it's colossal
I ain't got no beef, rap game falafel
I just saw your girl outside the brothel
She was protesting saying "Sex work is awful"
But she made some points that were thoughtful
Count my money move a brick
Make a porno movie flick
Drone strike on my opps just like the presidents from politics
If you think you the king, must make me the Bolsheviks
She make me feel like Willie Winkie when she suck the candlestick
I failed the spelling bee, now I'm spelling billions
I made a money skyscraper out of trillions
[Hook]
[Interlude 2]
Hey little uh... little Yung DUI, can you- can you come talk to me after the class?
Sure, teach!
Boy, being in fifth grade is so much fun, I'm making a lot of friends
I got junior high coming up, then high school
It just feels like I'm getting older so fast and I have so much potential to do tons of great things
Yeah, I uh, I got bad news
The state testing that the government wanted you to take says that you're never going to amount to anything
What? I'm never going to amount to anything?
Yeah, that's what it says here
That's what I think also, in my personal opinion, that's what I'm telling my wife when we're home together
She tells me about her day, and I tell her about which of my kids in classes I don't think are gonna make it in the world
Well, I don't understand, I have good grades, I wash my hands
Why am I not going to make it?
Ehhh, you're just a bad egg and you're going nowhere
You're gonna be a loser, probably pumping gas, or in jail
That's if you're lucky
I'll be lucky if I'm in jail? Why? I just don't understand?
You'll be lucky to be in jail suckin' down loads to survive when you realize the alternative is you'll be six feet under, dead
Dead!? How?
Point blank gunshot to the forehead, smoking a cigarette, blindfolded, cartel-style execution
Or throat slit from ear to ear
Or just a good ol' fashioned case of a dumb fuck like you getting his head bashed in
I'm not dumb, I have really good grades
I'm not supposed to show you this, kid, look at this
I filed your homework assignment from May 3rd, focus on the highlighted area, can you read that for me
"When I grow up, I want to be a rapper"
See, that's your problem right there
It is?
Yeah, see, you're never gonna make it, you're gonna die, you stink, you'll never be good at girls, et cetera, so on and so forth
See, when I submitted this homework, it went through the school's computers and was tagged
Your file was then tagged as a waste of government spending due to your unserious academic nature
You'll be relocated to an alternative school called The Misfits Home for Rapping Boys, where you'll have 8 hours of recess a day and the only thing you do is whip coins at each other
I'll show you, I'll show you how great I am, and when I'm older and I'm great, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to write a skit about how my teacher gave up on me
I'm gonna make him sound like a total dickhead that was wrong and I'm going to tell him off
I'm going to be a very famous rapper when I'm an adult
And I'm going to be good at girls
And when I'm telling you this in the skit later on when I'm an adult, the beat is going to kick in at some point
And then, when I'm done talking, the adult me is going to come in rapping immediately
[Verse 8: Yung DUI]
Yung DUI, pullin' up in the taxi
Who's in the backseat? A baddie with a dad thing
W.B. Mason, know I'm always paper stacking
All work, all play, like Jim on a Pam thing
Oh I'm being nasty, I started drinking at 3
Santa Ynez Valley, like Sideways Giamatti
Time to start a party, I crashed my new Bugatti
I drank up all the barley, I smell like old Chris Farley
Yung DUI leaves the club in the driver's seat
Who is he? Lordie me, keeping one eye closed to see
Making sure my hands always stayin' at 10 and 3
Dodge a checkpoint, oh lord, man the pigs on me
Oh I whipped the 'rari, I tell my Mom I'm sorry
It's such a sad old story, I crashed into the quarry
I'm praying to Old Glory, it's boring, abhor me
Back to the club scene 'cause I'm so fucking horny
Gonna have to kill me get me drinking water
I don't even recognize my newborn daughter
One girl's hot but damn man, two is hotter
What's your blood type? I'm a liver plotter
Gonna have to kill me get me drinking water
I don't even recognize my newborn daughter
One girl's hot but damn man, two is hotter
What's your blood type? I'm a damn liver plotter
[Verse 9: Big Sneaky]
Big Sneaky, better start runnin'
Talkin' out your butt with my hand, Jeff Dunham
I used to eat the Funyuns, now I work the youngins
Everybody cryin' in my kitchen, where the onions?
So sneaky, just won a game of hide-and-seek
FBI askin' for help, but they ain't findin' me
Got a dick so damn big that it kinda stinks
My big fat-ass dick is what vagina sees
Came from the bottom, Los Angeles, where the lions be
Whole bunch of good-ass liquor is what I'm tryna drink
So please don't take my mic
Or my time on the world stage
And you know I live a crazy life
Wish I could go back in time and kill my cousin twice
He embarrassed me so bad when I hung the Christmas lights
Said they look real bad, made me re-hang the lights
Wish- yeah- I fuckin'-
Okay
Made a player so damn sad, I cried myself to slipe
I look in the mirror and say, "I can't do nothin' right"
Oh my God, I can't believe this is me
Oh my God, mom and dad, I made history
The first millionaire from New York City
The first billionaire from all of America
If I joined the Army, it'd be game over
Cuz I'm comin' back right- when the war ends [?]
[Pre-Chorus??: Mr. Oh He So Goldbars]
Only letter I can read is the dollar sign
Keep my Amazon like Optimus I got that Prime
In my house got like 300 water slides
Hydroponic, I be talkin' like a mime
[Hook]
[Interlude 3]
Agent Johnson, take a look at this
[Verse 10: Big Sneaky]
Big Sneaky and I'm sneakin' on the mic again
Back in 6th grade I tried to take my life again
First time I tried was in 1st grade
Cuz I knew that I wasn't gettin' paid
And I knew that I wasn't gettin' laid
But I told myself "Just make it to 6th grade"
So I did, but I barely made no money
And when I got girls, it was like no honey
So like no funny
I tried to grab a big gun and blow myself to the next- mummy
But I didn't do it, I tried to, the gun jammed
And then I made it 'till 10th grade, then I tried again
I tried to set myself up in a trebuchet
Yeah, but my neighbor saw
And he call my mom and said
"Hey, I'm just your neighbor Dave
But your son is tryna trebuchet
Catapult himself across the town into an electric transformer"
And then I transformed into a rap superstar, like Time Warner
Cause I got the cables, the big chain
Hangin' on my neck and I get brain
I get more brain than Albert Einstein
And I get more pussy than Weinstein
I mean Hi- I mean Bret Weinstein
Yeah, the journalist
Yeah the money, I'm earnin' it
And you know- and I got the fuckin' sperms and shit
Yeah they comin' on ya girl's face
Tryna swim south so they could get a lil taste
A lil taste of becomin' a child
And you know I smoke the competition like a Black & Mild
I'm- crazy mild
I got no temper
I got no problems
Back in 6th grade I ran a marathon
Now look at me, I run the game
And ya parents gone
When ya parents gone I come over and lay that pipe
Only if you grown up
I like my girls like that movie Grown Ups
Grown Ups 2, just two grown ups
Money got tall like it grown up
My speaker got louder like it blown up
And I'm goin' strong like I'm strown[?] up
Yeah, I don't give a grown fuck
Big Sneaky, man I'm 'bout to clone ya
Just to fuck two of you
And you know I'm sweeter than a big bowl of Frooty Loops
[Hook]
[Verse 11: Mr. Oh He So Goldbars]
Slow Mafia got expensive taste like tilapia
All my flows original so I would never copy ya
Got a million guard dogs they will never get up offa ya
Give your girl my hard drive, my disc is never floppy, yuh
Mami's body got it poppin' like a champagne bottle
Her body like a car so I hit the throttle (skrrr)
Ass coulda got the high score in Bubble Bobble
And she's my wittle baby so she pass me the bottle
I run the trap like a puppy mill (arf arf arf)
My girl is on a diet that is only pills (mmm)
My boys are on a diet that is only pills
Charge $50k a verse so I can buy some pills
Traponomics, got my PhD (what!)
Listen what I'm spittin' you can get your degree
I got ten 9s riding 50 inch rims (skrrr)
Million ounce of OE[?] size 100 Timbs
Add up all the profits and I multiply again
Smokin' Netanyahu cuz an eighth cost a Benjamin
Real trap mathaholics we know how to subtract
Now we all up in ya girl's Spotify Wrapped
[Hook]
[Verse 12: Bart the Human]
When I was a baby I was short and bald
[Verse 13: Yung DUI]
Top toys that I bought, come and see what I got
[Hook]
[Post-Chorus??: Mr. Oh He So Goldbars]
I'm the top hog, this the farmyard
[Interlude 4]
Hello, no one is available to take your call
[Interlude 5]
Ay I heard some rumors man, I hope they ain't true
[Interlude 6]
Prayin' for you man
[Pre-Chorus]
[Hook]
[Verse 14: Mr. Oh He So Goldbars]
S-L-O Mafia, yeah we runnin' the trap
[Hook]
[Post-Chorus]
[Verse 15: Yung DUI]
Nintendo, Playstation, iPhone location
[Interlude 7]
I'm gonna introduce you, man
[Hook]
[Post-Chorus]
[Verse 16: Yung DUI]
Coworker, there he go
[Hook]
[Post-Chorus]
[Interlude 8]
