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Duffer’s Rules of Golf Lyrics by George Plant

2015

I've played golf off and on for twenty years now. I never get any better on my own and I've been banned by every golf instructor I've ever met. It all seemed hopeless until I met a bunch of guys recently on a course here in Colorado. They called themselves "The Duffers". They were holding a golf tournament at the course I was playing and I learned that they go to a different one every week. (Apparently, the course operators will only allow them on a given course once a year.)
So after talking with them in the clubhouse, they invited me to join them the next Sunday as a guest. I did and it was an epiphany. I've never enjoyed the game so much in my life. I attribute it to their comradery and to the special rules of golf they use. I present them here to show you all it takes to enjoy the game is a new perspective:
THE DUFFER'S RULES OF GOLF
Rule 1:
On the first tee, the Duffer may take as many tee shots as necessary to achieve an acceptable result. Everyone knows a Duffer has to "lossen up a bit", and the No. 1 Tee Box is designated for that purpose.
Rule 2:
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it should have carried and rolled had it not gone into the rough. preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
Duffers should not be penalized for tall grass which grounds keepers refuse to mow properly in a perverted attempt to "help everyone improve their game".
Rule 3:
A ball hitting a tree or other obstruction shall be deemed not to have hit that object. Hitting an object while in flight is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game like golf. The Duffer will estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the obstruction and play the ball from that point.
Rule 4:
There is no penalty for a ball that lands in a water hazard. Golf balls do not float, and golf course operators know it. How do you think they accumulate all those range balls? Duffer's shall not add insult to injury by taking a penalty. In a civilized society, the pond would have been drained to water the fairways.
Rule 5:
There is no penalty for so-called going "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf course owners had purchased a sufficient tract of land, this situation would not occur. Duffers deserve an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 6:
There is no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on (or near) the course somewhere and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus is deemed to be a stolen ball. Duffers shall not compound the felony by charging themselves with a penalty.
Rule 7:
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped in. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 8:
Same goes for a ball that rims the cup and goes sideways. While it's true that the ball is following the laws of physics, the law of gravity is deemed to supersede.
Rule 9:
A putt that comes so close to the cup so as to inspire comments like "you could blow it in" may in fact be blown in without recording an additional stroke. Everyone knows it's important to keep the game moving along, so we don't want to spend undue time on the greens. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three feet from the cup. After all, no one wants to make a travesty of the game.
There's no need to thank me for these, I just want everyone to enjoy the game.
Credits
George Plant

George Plant

About “Duffer’s Rules of Golf” by George Plant

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