Dear Rudiff
I’m a clown in town—not turning people’s heads
On the prowl, I’m weaving like a thread
About time that someone end up dead…
But instead, I keep my posture, keep my cool
Keeping simple, keep it loose
Got my hands all in my pockets—my gesture for truce
Just like you taught me
I know how to blend in even though I do not fit in
It’s a costume—only pretend
In the end, it gets the job done
And these people think I’m one of them
They treat me like another splash of gray atop this palette of paint
Understand I do this ‘cause sometimes I feel trapped
Being alone under the city starts to make me retract my claws
So I gotta’ get out to keep them sharp and alert
It’s like flirting with the victim you about to make still and inert
And it’s worth it, you know?
Kinda’ gives me a purpose, you know?
If it was not for this monthly stroll
I’d start to feel a bit worthless, you know?
And I’d hurt myself—desert myself
Give birth to the extrovert
That has been lurking and jerking these strings inside of my noggin
This world is drying up with one possible outcome
-To put a hole inside my head
Forty seasons—going on more
Cannot remember the last time we spoke
I got urges for insurgence
And words stuck in the back of my throat
Choke ‘em down with a glass of mocha
Oh my god, it’s hard to stay low-profile
I think it’s time that we both try to meet up
Agree at a place I can see ya’
I been writing, you been working?
I figured as much, since I haven’t got a letter back
My mom tried to say that you a “fair-weather friend”
But fuck that bitch, barely got it together, man
She wasn’t there! We was out in the cold—in the trenches
You kept me alive, that’s real friendship!
All she ever did was eat up my pension
When I talk, bitch don’t even pay attention
But you do, that’s why I keep writing
Yesterday, I guess was alright
This nigga tried to drop me in the alley
That shit that you taught me has started to rake up a tally
I got a talent for blood
But remorse keeps nipping at my ear
Feeling bad for these faces
Hope the feds can’t trace this…
You’s the one who told me to embrace this
I’ll be honest, I’m feeling alone
Like, gimmie’ a sign, man—throw me or bone or something
Every day is a struggle
That mirror you gave me is nothing but trouble
Another dime, another a day
Back to back—a domino, I sway
I’m starting to mind, if I’m taking your time away
Just let me know, and I’ll cut with the bullshit!
And if not, then I don’t mean to push
I know you a busy man, no need to rush
If I’m talking too much, I can shush
All these emotions—I’m tryna’ flush it out or crush it
How long until a man fully drop down
Before he hit bottom?
-Before I hit bottom
This world is drying up with one possible outcome
-To put a hole inside my head
I think I’ve had enough, and I’m ready for no more
Let’s put a hole inside this head
I was feeling good in the moment
Thought if I owned up to it, I’d show my true colors
Just tryna’ be honest
I’m like a comet, leaving a trail of blood behind me
Hey Rudiff…
Do you remember that time we picked up that slut on the side of the road?
And she tried to do us both, but you wasn’t having that—no
You wrapped some barbed wire ‘round her throat
And you pulled, and she couldn’t scream
She was choking… that was the first time I saw someone croaking
Back then, I was real soft-spoken
I guess I’ve changed a lot
And the doctor says not to strain, but ah!
I’m in pain!
I’m not going back to that place!
She can’t fucking help me, she just keeps on playing it safe!
‘Cause she’s afraid to dig down deep where my real issues sleep
Down with the shit and the sulfur and tar
Down where my real demons are
She just pumps me full of meds
And hopes that I’ll be docile ‘til I’m dead
Hope’s I’ll feel awesome ‘til I’m obviously so fucked up
I can’t possibly hurt no one no more!
Well, she was wrong, Rudiff…
This world is drying up with one possible outcome
-To put a hole inside my head
I think I’ve had enough, and I’m ready for no more
Let’s put a hole inside this head
-Tru
