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Cover Art

Pam Lyrics by Victoria Wood

Real Life: The Songs

1997

[Hook]
Da, da-da, da-da
Da-da da-da-da
Da, da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

[Verse 1]
Can I tell you who I am?
I'm Pamela Patricia, but they call me Pam
I don't like shorts or slingback shoes
My only pair of trousers are my gardening trews

[Verse 2]
I don't say who, I do say whom
I never use the toilet, just the smallest room
I don't say gay, I still say queer
I think that Mussolini had the right idea

[Vocalized Hook]

[Verse 3]
Got engaged in '62
Got married in the April, in a nice pale blue
It all turned sour, to say the least
I was stuck in Abagelli with a sex-crazed beast

[Verse 4]
Our wedding night, I heard a cough
There was Harold in the doorway with his 'jamas off
Now look, I said, I must be blunt
I couldn't give a beggar's on the whole sex front

[Verse 5]
Not me, not my scene
I prefer a game of Rummy and an Ovaltine
Harold, dear, do get dressed
I've seen one in a book and I was not impressed

[Alternative Hook]
La, da-da, da-da
Da-da da-da-da
Da, da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

[Verse 6]
Once divorced, I lived alone
Then chummed up with a woman by the name of Joan
She moved in, she seemed quite nice
Wore army boots and braces, but I didn't think twice

[Verse 7]
Then one night, she seemed upset
I said, are you not happy in my maisonette?
She drained her rum and baby sham
Ran her fingers through her crewcut, said "I love you Pam"

[Alternative Hook]
Wa, da-da, da-da
Da-da da-da-da
Wa, da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

[Verse 8]
I didn't faint, I didn't scream
Just carried on demolishing my custard cream
She said, please come upstairs with me?
I'll show you just how wonderful a love can be

[Verse 9]
I said alright, but don't be late
There's a thing by Alan Bennett on at half past eight
So, up we go, and off she went
But all I seem to think about was Stoke-on-Trent

[Verse 10]
Not me, it didn't gel
I prefer a cup of coco and a Ruth Rendell
Joan, dear, do get dressed
No woman over forty suits a mauve stringed vest

[Alternative Hook]
La-
La-la-la
La

[Verse 11]
Then last year to beat the blues
I booked myself a cabin on a ten day cruise
So much to do, so much to see
With a load of single women who look just like me

[Verse 12]
Then one night, I clicked like that
With a bachelor named Billy in a golfing hat
We were so happy, hand in hand
Listening to a lecture on the prostate gland

[Alternative Hook]
La-
La-la-la
La

[Verse 13]
I told him sex had been no go
He took it as a challenge and we went below
We kissed and hugged without delay
He tried to take my rainhood off, I said no way

[Verse 14]
He said I bet you ten whole pounds
I bet you have an orgasm while I'm around
He got stuck in, he really tried
But I only felt a tremour down my left hand side

[Verse 15]
Not me, that's my boast
I prefer a bit of ironing and a round of toast
Bill, dear, do get dressed
But he just fell over moaning as he clutched his chest

[Spoken Word]
He went "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh..."
It was that type of sound

[Verse 16]
Bill was dead, he died for me
They took him on a stretcher as I drank my tea
But as I poured another cup, I thought
I never had that orgasm
I am ten quid up!
Credits
Victoria Wood

Victoria Wood

About “Pam” by Victoria Wood

Read the complete lyrics to "Pam" by Victoria Wood from the album "Real Life: The Songs" in 1997. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Pop.

"Pam" is performed by Victoria Wood. from the album "Real Life: The Songs" in 1997 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Pam", explore more songs by Victoria Wood using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for Victoria Wood · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Pam" is credited to Victoria Wood. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Pam" appears on "Real Life: The Songs" in 1997.

Visit the Victoria Wood artist page at /artist/victoria-wood for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.

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