[LILY] (spoken)
Harry, I’m dying
This news just ended my life
I’m thirteen, whatcha mean that the CHEAPEST seats are
ONE THIRTY-NINE NINETY-FIVE?
Seriously!
I am talking to you HAROLD!
This is your wife speaking
Reply to my tweets and explain yourself!
After all I’ve done for you Harry, you go and kill my actual life!
What the HELL thirteen year old has ONE THIRTY-NINE NINETY-FIVE?
[Chorus]
Thi-hi-his is life or death
I can’t even! What is breath?
If I don’t go then
I’ll be actually dead
[CAROLINE] (spoken)
Leave it, Eddy
[EDNA] (spoken)
Mum I never ask for anything
[CAROLINE] (spoken)
It’s extortionate Eddy, we can’t afford it—
[EDNA] (spoken)
When I’m older I will pay you back еvery single cent, I just—
[CAROLINE] (spokеn)
I know this feels like it’s life-threatening but trust me, when you’re a bit older you’ll see that—
[EDNA] (spoken)
You’re not listening!
[ROSA]
What do you mean tickets go on sale tomorrow?
At 10AM?
That’s during school Harry! Fire your manager!
That literally makes no sense!
[RIWA]
Harry, excuse me baby
Why are you being so racist?
You can’t tour Australia
And just skip Tasmania
That’s literally like placist!
[BRIANNA] (spoken)
My mum said no
[JULES] (spoken)
What! Ask your dad. He takes your brother to the football every weekend
[BRIANNA] (spoken)
He said it’s different
[JULES] (spoken)
Bri! I can’t just stand in the mosh pit with my loser mum like a biscuit!
[BRIANNA] (spoken)
Eddy! Are you going?
[EDNA] (spoken)
No. MY MUM’S A BITCH
[BRIANNA & JULES] (spoken)
Woah…
[EDNA]
That. Cow. Said. To Me
[EDNA & CAROLINE]
Edna, society twists girls when they hit puberty
Into petrified pretzels of insecurity
So when five boys with hair that sits perfectly
Promise in their songs to love you in perpetuity
It’s just a product, a packaged preteen fantasy
So your love is not reality ‘cause he’s a celebrity
You’re just projecting on to
An infallible effigy—
[BRIANNA] (spoken)
What the eff’s an effigy?
[EDNA] (spoken)
Um, an effigy is like a model or representation of a pers—
[JULES] (spoken)
—Your mum’s weird
[BRIANNA] (spoken)
Well at least you and I can just have a sleepover that night and sing all their songs while we cry ourselves to sleep
[JULES] (spoken)
You’re not having a sleepover!
I mean…because you’re coming. You have to. It’s what we’ve always dreamed of
Come on Edna, you’re on a full scholarship. Surely that brain can think of something?
I can’t just go with my mum!
[EDNA] (spoken)
Then why don’t you buy our tickets, Jules?
[JULES] (spoken)
What? I don’t have that money
[EDNA] (spoken)
But your mum does. And you said she’s buying your love at the moment. You said you could make her do anything. Remember?
[JULES] (spoken)
Yeah, but
[EDNA] (spoken)
Unless you’re a…
Chicken
[JULES] (sung)
Hey mummy how are you?
Yes I do. Sometimes. Call you that
Well I know that you’re probably busy
But I’m having a panic attack
You know those tickets that you’re getting
I need you to get more
Because! I can’t go alone with you
And my friends are totally poor
[ENSMEBLE] (overlapping)
So poor! Intact! Super fat!
If you get them my mental health stays intact
If you don’t I’ll get depressed, and then I’ll get fat
Therapy’s expensive— I don’t that think you’d want that—
(spoken)
Mum, if I don’t go I’ll die- I’M NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC. Mum!
[EDNA] (spoken)
Come on Jules!
[JULES] (sung)
If you don’t get these tickets
I don’t know what I’ll do
I might have to show dad
The photos of you
That I found on your phone
In a message to—
(spoken)
Yeah so that’s mosh pit—Tuesday the twelfth?
You’ll get them tomorrow. Like actually? You promise?
Ohmygod. Thanks mummy loveyoubye!
[EDNA] (spoken)
Oh my god?
[JULES] (spoken)
Oh my god
[BRIANNA] (spoken)
Oh my god!
(sung)
Google my symptoms, I think I’m dead
[JULES]
Plan my funeral, ‘cause I think I’m dead
[EDNA]
Identify my body ‘cause I think I’m dead
[BRIANNA]
This news is like a brick to the face!
[ENSEMBLE]
Oh my god I’m actually dead!
I can’t even! What is breath?
[JULES] (spoken)
MY UTERUS IS EXPLODING!
[ENSEMBLE] (sung)
I’m actually dead
[BRIANNA]
Hold me, I can see a bright light!
[JULES]
Get a coffin and chuck me inside!
[EDNA]
It’s the best day of my life!
[ALL]
'Cause I’m ACTUALLY DEAD!
