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Assister Suicide (Recorded Live in London) Lyrics by Flo & Joan

Alive on Stage (Recorded Live in London)

2020

JOAN: (spoken)
So this is if you so kindly asked, how I would kill you
[Verse 1] (sung)
I'd take you to a quiet spot upon a lake
We'd sit and feed the ducks, on the lake
And then I'd take you for a cup of tea and cake
Cause I know you like tea, and I know you like cake
[Verse 2]
We'd sit and talk about your favourite things
Like chicken nuggets, and other stuff
And while you're not looking, I'd slip fentanyl in your tea
And then I'd take you home and let you pass away quietly
[Dialogue break]
FLO: (spoken)
Thank you
JOAN:
You're very welcome. You thought it was gonna be horrible, didn't you?
FLO:
Yеs, I did
JOAN:
And it wasn't
FLO:
Nope
JOAN:
So how would you do it for me?
FLO:
Oh, I'd just throw you down the stairs
JOAN:
I don't wanna bе thrown down the stairs
FLO:
Well, the cool thing about being thrown down the stairs is that, once the initial push has happened, the choice is no longer yours
JOAN:
Can you thi-- I gave you ducks, and... Could you think of something a bit nicer?
FLO:
What, like a spiral staircase, or like a big gilded staircase, or like a nice carpeted, like...
JOAN:
Na-a-ah. No, no, no. I see people fall down the stairs all the time and they don't die at the bottom, they just injure themselves. If I'm going to be pushed down the stairs, I want to know I'm gonna die at the--
FLO:
Okay, so, two-- two follow-ups, then. Er, firstly, trust that, er, if I push you, you'd for sure be dead at the bottom. The, er, the second's more of a, er, query, I think. Erm, where are you standing that you see people fall down the stairs all the time? Cause you're the common denominator in that. That's not a normal thing that happens
JOAN:
I just gave you a really nice song with ducks and nugs. Could you not do something nice in return? (FLO: ...Yeah, okay.) Yeah
[Verse 3]
FLO: (sung)
I'd take you to your favourite library. (JOAN: (spoken) That's nice.)
The one with all of the stairs. (JOAN: Noooo.)
(spoken)
Absolutely fulfilled the brief
Credits
Flo & Joan

Flo & Joan

About “Assister Suicide (Recorded Live in London)” by Flo & Joan

Read the complete lyrics to "Assister Suicide (Recorded Live in London)" by Flo & Joan from the album "Alive on Stage (Recorded Live in London)" in 2020. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Pop, Live, Comedy.

"Assister Suicide (Recorded Live in London)" is performed by Flo & Joan. from the album "Alive on Stage (Recorded Live in London)" in 2020 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Assister Suicide (Recorded Live in London)", explore more songs by Flo & Joan using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"Assister Suicide (Recorded Live in London)" is credited to Flo & Joan. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Assister Suicide (Recorded Live in London)" appears on "Alive on Stage (Recorded Live in London)" in 2020.

Visit the Flo & Joan artist page at /artist/flo-and-joan for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.