DICK GUMSHOE [spoken]:
No problem, pal. I can give you an official briefing. It'll be a lot better than trying to talk to the hired help here
WENDY OLDBAG:
Hah! This mangy detective won’t tell it half as well
GUMSHOE:
...Mangy?
OLDBAG [sung]:
They say the world moves by so fast
But Wendy Oldbag’s faster!
You juveniles don’t stand a chance
You’re headed for disaster!
So listen good, you whippersnappers
‘Cause Wendy Oldbag doesn’t err
Put down your walkmen and walkwomen
And I’ll tell you the way things were
MAYA FEY [spokеn]:
Walk-whats?
PHOENIX WRIGHT:
Iunno
OLDBAG [sung]:
Though the world keeps on changing
Of this you can be sure:
Things usеd to be much better
And better is the way things were!
PHOENIX [spoken]:
Right, right right right... so, about yesterday...?
OLDBAG:
I was getting to it!
PHOENIX:
Geesh!
OLDBAG:
You kids today are just so impatient!
[sung]
Yesterday, bright and early
In the employee break room
We were holding an action run-through
When Powers fell down with a boom!
No wait, come to think
I guess it was more of a “crack”
When Hammer knocked him down
The Samurai Spear went snap!
MAYA [spoken]:
Not the Samurai Spear!
OLDBAG [sung]:
Though the world keeps on changing
Of this you can be sure:
Props used to be made better
And better is the way things were!
PHOENIX [spoken]:
So Powers fell down...and the spear broke?
OLDBAG [sung]:
Of course, good Wendy Oldbag
Was quick to make repairs
Powers hurt his ankle too
But no one really cares!
GUMSHOE:
Whoa, there! Hey there!
Slow down, pal!
Why not let the
Police handle it now?
Later that day around noon
The cast stopped to take a brief lunch break
I hear that they even had
The fabled juicy T-Bone steak!
MAYA [spoken]:
They had steak!?
GUMSHOE:
Yeah, and I bet it was delicious, too--
H-hey, I mean, quit distracting me, pal!
There’s lives at stake!
MAYA:
[giggles]
GUMSHOE:
…ah, not that kind of steak
[sung]
Anyway, at 2:15
The wind blew with such wrath
That it knocked Mr. Monkey’s
Head into the path
MAYA [spoken]:
WHAT!?
PHOENIX:
A-a monkey!?
GUMSHOE [sung]:
The studio’s—oof!
OLDBAG:
Mascot! It was just a statue, dears!
GUMSHOE [spoken]:
Heyyy...
OLDBAG [sung]:
You kids today need to learn how to communicate with your peers
I’m telling you, back in my day
Everyone knew what you were trying to say
We never argued, always concurred
Yes, that was the way things were
And the way things were yesterday
That Monkey wasn’t cleared until four
I’m telling you, these kids today
Lazier than ever before!
MAYA [spoken]:
Yeah, darn kids!
PHOENIX:
Maya, you’re a kid
OLDBAG [sung]:
Though the world keeps on changing
Of this you can be sure:
Kids used to be raised better
And better is the way things were!
PHOENIX [spoken]:
So... why is the decapitated monkey important?
GUMSHOE:
Because, pal, it was blocking the path to Studio 2. No one else could get there until it was cleaned up, see?
PHOENIX:
Okay, but the crime scene was Studio 1, right? So what happened there?
OLDBAG [sung]:
Meanwhile, dear ol’ Hammer
Over in Studio 1
Was caught up in a desperate battle
Against that Powers bum!
Hear you this, you snotty fans
Of that WP
If I'd been there, that battle
Would have turned out differently
GUMSHOE:
Whoa, there! Hey there!
Just slow down a sec!
It used to be
Civilians had some respect!
The body in Studio 1
Wasn’t found until 5:00, ya see
But the forensics team estimates
The time of death to be about 2:30
The murder weapon, why no other
Than the Samurai spear
And considering the evidence
The guilty one is clear
PHOENIX [spoken]:
How so?
GUMSHOE [sung]:
To get into the studio
You must pass by this station
And at that time only one guy
Crossed by this location
And we happen to know who it was—
OLDBAG:
Hey, what do you mean “we”?
I was the guard that was on duty!
I—
MAYA [spoken]:
You saw the real murderer!?
OLDBAG [sung]:
Don’t kids today have any manners!?
Interrupting during my line!
I only said I was on duty
Not that I stood here the whole time
It was only on film that he was caught
The one who did in Hammer
You know, we were once a pair of love-crossed stars
GUMSHOE:
The key word there is “were”
OLDBAG [spoken]:
RAAAAAAAAARG!
GUMSHOE:
...oops...
[Simultaneous 1:]
OLDBAG [sung]:
What would you know
You disrespectful punk!?
Back in my day, if you talked like that
We’d lock you in a trunk!
With your NDS and DDR and DVDs and DVR
You’ve all got your heads shoved up too far!
Where the sun don’t shine, do you hear me “sir”!?
Someday, things will be the way they were!
[Simultaneous 2:]
GUMSHOE:
Whoa, there! Hey there!
Sorry ma’am!
I didn’t mean to
Make you so very mad!
Whoa, there! Hey there!
I’d prefer
If you’d calm down
Can't witnesses be the way they were!
[End simultaneous]
OLDBAG [spoken]:
'snappers!
