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Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual Lyrics by Roy Zimmerman

Thanks for the Support

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[Chorus]
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew-ya!
[Verse 1]
Once there was a preacher by the name of Ted Haggard
Who stumbled from the path, or you might even say staggered
He was one in a million, or more aptly one in ten
Some folks say he put the "men" in "Amen"
[Verse 2]
He preached the Gospel message of intolerance and self-loathing
And traveled on his wayward way betraying his betrothing
He was a soul of piety and no one doubted him
Until he hired a gigolo and used a pseudonym
So he humbly went to counseling and then
Three weeks later, he's born again—again!
[Chorus]
Because Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew-ya!
[Verse 3]
He telephoned the White House for a weekly consultation
Saying "Here's what Jesus thinks of all the pending legislation"
"And marriage is a covenant between a man and wife
And homosexuals will fry forever in the afterlife"
He did some other things he'd later disavow
But he's putting it all behind him now
[Bridge]
What does Leviticus have to say?
Yeah, what does it say about being gay?
"To lie with man is an abomination"
Like cursing your parents
Trimming your beard
Planting wheat and barley in the same furrow
Eating pork
Wearing polyester
And masturbation
And what did Jesus have to say?
Yeah, what did He say about being gay?
Well, nothing
[Verse 4]
Now Ted's a little haggard but he's thankful for this schism
(You're right, but wait for it)
And you might find it hard to swallow this syllogism
That even evil-doers have a reason to rejoice
Because they can simply make a better lifestyle choice
[Verse 5]
So if you're a gay teenager, probably Jesus doesn't love you
'Cause he knows Ted Haggard doesn't think a whole lot of you
So don't embrace the way God made you
Here's what you should do
Choose to be a hetero and seven-foot-two
[Chorus]
Because Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory, how-He-blew—
I mean, Glory holy-who—
I mean, Glory, how-they-lube-ya!
Now Ted would like you all to know this story has a moral
And of all the televangelists his favorite is Oral
Credits
Roy Zimmerman

Roy Zimmerman

About “Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual” by Roy Zimmerman

Read the complete lyrics to "Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual" by Roy Zimmerman from the album "Thanks for the Support". On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Pop, Parody.

"Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual" is performed by Roy Zimmerman. from the album "Thanks for the Support" This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual", explore more songs by Roy Zimmerman using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual" is credited to Roy Zimmerman. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual" appears on "Thanks for the Support".

Visit the Roy Zimmerman artist page at /artist/roy-zimmerman for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.