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Candy Bars Lyrics by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together

2003

I got two straws in here, in case one breaks down. You know crazy straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "We're goin' straight to the mouth. That fucker that takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention! Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "What candy bar are you getting?" "That one... And every one on the bottom row!"

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines.
Then it'd have to be real fuckin' big! I was gonna get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, I found the H button, I pushed it twice. Fucking potato chips came up, man, because they had a HH button, for Christ's sakes. You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA BB CC's, God God dammit dammit!

I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name "Reese's", that's an apostrophe S. Reese's, apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that!
Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says "Let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you!" "You're a fucking bully man! Let me at least have a piece!"

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory: "You owe me some letters!"
Credits
Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

About “Candy Bars” by Mitch Hedberg

Read the complete lyrics to "Candy Bars" by Mitch Hedberg from the album "Mitch All Together" in 2003. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Comedy, Non-Music.

"Candy Bars" is performed by Mitch Hedberg. from the album "Mitch All Together" in 2003 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Candy Bars", explore more songs by Mitch Hedberg using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for Mitch Hedberg · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Candy Bars" is credited to Mitch Hedberg. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Candy Bars" appears on "Mitch All Together" in 2003.

Visit the Mitch Hedberg artist page at /artist/mitch-hedberg for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.

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