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Three Easy Payments Lyrics by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together

2003

There's a commercial on late night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus."
"So you can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95."
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fucking complicated payment. "We could tell you which payment it is but one of of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum."
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back to back." I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat, goddammit anyway!
See I write jokes for a living, man. You know I stay in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am, the sign says "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3am and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect it to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology." This jacket would be halfway done!
Credits
Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

About “Three Easy Payments” by Mitch Hedberg

Read the complete lyrics to "Three Easy Payments" by Mitch Hedberg from the album "Mitch All Together" in 2003. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Comedy, Non-Music.

"Three Easy Payments" is performed by Mitch Hedberg. from the album "Mitch All Together" in 2003 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Three Easy Payments", explore more songs by Mitch Hedberg using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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Frequently asked questions

"Three Easy Payments" is credited to Mitch Hedberg. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Three Easy Payments" appears on "Mitch All Together" in 2003.

Visit the Mitch Hedberg artist page at /artist/mitch-hedberg for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.