[RANDY, spoken] I'm here now with Vice President of the United States and Ru Paul's Drag Race season 3 finalist, Mike Pence. Mike, thanks so much for joining me. Mr. Vice President, we are currently in the midst of the longest government shutdown in history, as the president continues to fight for his border wall. Well, it was a wall, and then it was, um, a fense, I think? And then, uh, it was, uh, steel slates. So, I don't -- what are we calling it today? Two folding chairs and bike lock?
[PENCE, spoken] The president said we'll build a steel barrier
[RANDY, spoken] Mm-hmm. And what do you say to critics speculating that Donald Trump's actions selfish, immoral, impulsive, and politically motivated?
[PENCE, spoken] Well, look. The American people aren't as concerned about the political debate as they are about what's really happening at the border
[RANDY, spoken] Well, is it really as bad as he says?
[PENCE, spoken] Last year alone, seventeen thousand individuals with criminal histories were apprehended at our Southern border
[RANDY, spoken] Why not hire them as senior White House officials? They'll all be convicted eventually
[PENCE, spoken] Democrats have refused to even negotiate--
[RANDY, spoken] Well, until this gets sorted out, hundreds of thousands of federal workers will go without paychecks and he doesn't seem to care
[PENCE, spoken] That's right
[rr s] I guess, why should he, though, right? I mean, after all...
[RANDY, sung] He's got money in the bank
He's got spray tan on his face
He's got baseless facts and figures
Which he figures please his base
He's got golf at Mar-A-Lago
And a ton of Adderall
What ain't he got?
A border wall
[PENCE, spoken] That's right
[RANDY] He gets angry, he gets tough
He gets up and leaves the room
He gets all the Egg McMuffins
He can humanly consume
He's a toddler and until he
Gets his way he'll make a fuss
And who's gonna pay?
Most likely us
[PENCE, spoken] That's right
[RANDY] Whether it's a concrete wall, steel slats, or a few decorative brass poles
There is nothing like an unnecessary two thousand mile that says, Hey look at us, world, we're a bunch of motherfucking
Assholes
[RANDY, spoken] See what I did there?
[RANDY, sung] There is nothing like a wall
Nothing in the world
Nothing's as impractical
As a beautiful border wall
[TRUMP, spoken] My fellow Americans
[RANDY] He gets badgered, he gets booed
He gets heckled coaste to coast
He gets Valentines from Putin
And advice from Hitler's ghost
He gets labled "irresponsible, inhuman and unfit"
What can't he get?
Gurl, he can't get shit
When it comes to behaving like a rational adult he finds nothing duller
There is nothing whatsoever like a totally manufactured national emergency to distract everyone from what's what's on his mind which is you guessed it:
Robert Mueller
[RANDY, spoken] Mm, I just love the way it feels in my mouth
[RANDY, sung] There is nothing like a wall
Nothing in the world
Could distract from Mike and Paul
Like his rhetoric 'bout a wall
[TRUMP, spoken] Stop the criminal gangs
[RANDY] Nothing else would be so tall
Nothing in the world
Could make up for just how small
His own penis is like a wall
[PENCE, spoken] That's right
[RANDY, spoken] Sarah, Donald Trump told us that Mexico would pay for the wall, but now he's not saying he ever meant they would pay up front and that they'll instead pay two-hundred-sixty-three million easy installments of $19.95
[Huckabee] You know, we'll see what happens, but the president is committed to making sure that, one way or another, whether it's through...
[RANDY, sung] He holds rallies just for fun
He has merchandise for sale
He gets only the best people
'Til they quit or go to jail
He's got Rudy Giuliani
He's got high cholesterol
What ain't he got?
A goddamn wall
There is nothing like a wall
Nothing in the world
So the government can stall
Just as long as he gets his wall
[TRUMP, spoken] This is a humanitarian crisis
[RANDY] Nothing protects like a wall
[TRUMP, spoken] Mexico's gonna pay for the wall
[RANDY] Or deflects like a wall
[PENCE, spoken] ...a bonified emergency...
[RANDY] Can save face like a wall
[MSNBC NEWS ANCHOR, spoken] Donald Trump has to build the wall
[RANDY] Or please his base like a wall
[TRUMP, spoken] Build the wall
[RANDY] Nothing acts like a wall
(Except maybe Melania)
Or distracts like a wall
[ABC NEWS ANCHOR, spoken] ...and the Russia investigation
[RANDY] And not a thing will work for Nancy and Chuck
'Til they agree to giving this schmuck
His big, embarrassing, racist, superfluous wall
[TRUMP, spoken] Mexico's gonna pay for the wall
