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(I’ve Never Met) A Nice South African Lyrics by Spitting Image

1986

[Intro: P. W. Botha]
My fellow South Africans, I feel it is time for me to tell you the facts as they really are
1. Bananas are marsupials
2. Cars run on gravy
3. Salmon live in trees and eat pencils
4. Reform in South Africa is on the way
[Verse 1]
I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru
I've had sunstroke in the arctic and a swim in Timbuktu
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a yeti in Nepal
And I've danced with ten-foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall
I've met the king of China and the working Yorkshire miner
But I've never met a nice South African
[Chorus]
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant bastards
Who hate black people
[Verse 2]
I once got served in Woolies aften less than four week's wait
I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late
I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool
I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school
I've met a normal merman, and a fairly modest German
But I've never met a nice South African
[Chorus]
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers
Who smell like baboons
[Verse 3]
I've had a close encounter of the 22nd kind
That's when an alien spaceship (pop) disappears up your behind
I've got directory enquiries after less than forty rings
I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings
I've seen a flying pig in a quite convincing wig
But I've never met a nice South African
[Chorus]
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths
With no sense of humour
[Verse 4]
I've met the Loch Ness monster and he looks like Fred Astaire
At the BBC in London he's the chief commissionaire
I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies
I met a man in Kathmandu who claimed to have two willies
I've had a nice pot noodle, but I've never had a poodle
And I've never met a nice South African
[Chorus]
No, he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising, man
Because we've never met one either
Except for Breyten Breytenbach, and he's emigrated to Paris
Yes, he's quite a nice South African
And he's hardly ever killed anyone
And he's not smelly at all
That's why we put him prison
[Outro: P. W. Botha, Mr. Welldone]
Frankly, Mr. Welldone, I'm fed up with people from Britain attacking my country for Apartheid
We treat the blacks very well indeed!
I actually employ several kaffirs here in my own home
But Mr. Botha, I haven't seen a single black since I entered this mansion
Haven't seen one? My God, man!
What do you think you wiped your feet on when you came in?
*Attackers storm in and stab P. W. Botha*
You can't put a better bit of Botha on your knife, oi!
Credits
Spitting Image

Spitting Image

About “(I’ve Never Met) A Nice South African” by Spitting Image

Read the complete lyrics to "(I’ve Never Met) A Nice South African" by Spitting Image in 1986. On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Satire, Pop.

"(I’ve Never Met) A Nice South African" is performed by Spitting Image. in 1986 This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "(I’ve Never Met) A Nice South African", explore more songs by Spitting Image using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

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"(I’ve Never Met) A Nice South African" is credited to Spitting Image. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

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