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Apt. Lyrics by Steven Wright

I Have a Pony

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The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter".

A couple nights ago, I came home very late. It was the next night.

I was having a little trouble getting into my apartment. I accidentally took out a car key and I stuck it into the door and turned it and the building started up.

So I drove it around for awhile. I went too fast and the police pulled me over. They said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here."

Then, I parked it in the middle of a highway and I ran out the front door and yelled at all the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Nobody who lives in the building noticed that the building had been moved 'cause everybody who lives in the building is absolutely insane. The man who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

The woman who lives beside me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said, "Give me all the money in the vault or I'll mark down everything in the store!"

It's a good apartment to live in 'cause they allow pets. I have a pony.

I have a Shetland pony named Nicky. I like to ride him around the apartment. If I have to flip an album, I'll ride him over to the stereo.

If I wanna make a sandwich, I ride him into the kitchen and sometimes his hooves slide on the tiles and he falls down.

Last summer, he was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All the hair was removed except for the tail. Now, I rent him out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
Credits
Steven Wright

Steven Wright

About “Apt.” by Steven Wright

Read the complete lyrics to "Apt." by Steven Wright from the album "I Have a Pony ". On Lyrks you can follow along with the full text, explore the artist's discography, and discover related songs. The track is often categorized under Non-Music, Comedy.

"Apt." is performed by Steven Wright. from the album "I Have a Pony " This page provides the full lyric text for fans who want to sing along, study the songwriting, or compare versions across releases. Lyrks organizes lyrics by artist and song slug so you can bookmark and share a stable URL. Music lyrics help listeners connect with emotion, narrative, and rhythm in a track. Whether you are learning English, researching a favorite chorus, or preparing for karaoke, having accurate line breaks and section labels (verse, chorus, bridge) makes the experience easier. We link to the official artist profile on Lyrks where available, including biography snippets, top songs, and chart placements when we have that data. If you enjoy "Apt.", explore more songs by Steven Wright using the links below. Chart and trending pages on Lyrks highlight what listeners are searching for this week. For copyright or correction requests, see our DMCA and contact pages.

View all songs and biography for Steven Wright · Trending lyrics · Billboard Hot 100

Frequently asked questions

"Apt." is credited to Steven Wright. Songwriting credits may include additional writers listed on the release; check the credits section on this page for linked collaborators.

"Apt." appears on "I Have a Pony ".

Visit the Steven Wright artist page at /artist/steven-wright for biography, popular tracks, and links to more lyric pages.

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