I think the Devil gets real pissed off if you've been married, man. It bores him, you know?
You come down the hallway to Hell and he's like, '[roars]... Oh, you've been married? Ah, shit. Come on in. Alright. Well, this place is gonna be pretty boring to you. I'll give you the tour anyway. Uh... okay... Fuck, there's not a lot of surprises here for you. Uh... You didn't see any single people coming down the hall, did ya? I could scare the fuck out of them. God damn it, shit. Married twice, huh? Jesus Chri- You want a job?' [laughs] Ah...
I know a lot of guys out there, they're going, 'Sam, Sam, we'd like to laugh with you... but we're with our wives. They're sitting right next to us and if we laugh now, we don't get laid later.'
'cause you go home with this new sexual wizardry... this newfound fucking charm. You walk in that bedroom and she's got her bathrobe on. She goes, 'Yeah, yeah. You thought that fat guy was awful funny, did ya? Huh? Remember that? Ah! Ah! Remember that, huh? I'm gonna be over here reading the New Testament, alright? So why don't you jack off and remember how funny he was? Ah! Ah!' [laughs]
Guy sitting there going, 'Oh God, if I was a man, her head would be in a bowling bag right now!'
Fuck, I love women, and I don't think you should be violent to 'em. I don't... I don't believe in slapping around. I- I don't support wife-beating. I underSTAND IT! I mean, I wouldn't wanna be the deciding member on a fucking JURY OR ANYTHING! I don't support it, but, you know, I know what turns Mr. Hand into Mr. Fist. [chuckles]
Oh... It's not that bad, I guess. Are there any good marriages here?
[audience: no response]
Phew! Well, there's a wave of applause. [whoosh]
Ah, yeah. Well, I guess it's tough to work it out. I've been married a couple times, but, uh... It was cum! Huh? I'll do it again. I know me. I'm stupid. I buy it every time. I really do. I'm a real fucking romantic guy, man. I buy it every time. Every-
[in high-pitched voice] 'This is love! Come on! Wooo! This is love! Wooo!'
So I've been in love nine fucking times now, folks. I still buy it.
[in high-pitched voice] Ah, this is- You've never met me, have you? Come on! No, I'm not like the others. Come on! This is real love! I wouldn't lie to you ten times in a row, fuckhead! Come on! Come on, trust me! Open the door! [makes door-opening sound] [roars] OH OHH OOOOHHHH! LOVE LIED TO ME AGAIN! [laughs]
Ah... yeah. They're worth it though. Come on, look at how much fun they are! God damn, what would you do without women? [pause] Well, alright, don't think about it. Alright, so... [laughs] Don't even think about it, folks.
But I, uh, I don't have any kids. I was, uh, I was lucky, I guess. I'm glad 'cause I don't have to pay any alimony. I don't have to pay any child support. Those women just gonna have to get along as best they can. [laughs] I hope they're going through Kentucky Fried Chicken garbage bins right now, alright? Waiting for the place to close so they can just... [mutters] 'Oh, there's one with meat on it.' [chuckles] Hope I'm not coming across too bitter, huh? But, uh...
No, I'm sure I was a pain in the ass too. My wife's probably on a psychiatrist couch right now, somewhere with a doctor and he's going, 'Today... Today we're gonna try and say his name.' [high-pitched] OHH OOOOHHHH! 'Can you say a letter in his name?' [high-pitched] OHH OOOOHHHH! [chuckles]
Oh... yeah. What else is there, guys? It's women. It's women and money and drugs. That's it. And religion, if you can work it in.
Oh, fuck, man. I'm having a great fucking time. This is too cool. Well, we gotta talk about one more thing, I guess, huh?
