Plus, I kinda- I read the Bible. I've, uh... pretty fascinated by the life of Christ. That's- It's a pretty good trick to pull off. Come back from the dead and not scare the hell out of everybody, huh?
Jesus is the only guy that did that. Did you know? He's the only guy that ever came out of a fucking grave... after being dead for three days where people didn't go, 'Oh- oh- AAAAHHHH! THE DE- THE DEAD FUCKING LIVE! Oh my God- [roars] [makes zombie sounds] Oh, kill it! KILL IT! [makes zombie sounds]'
And, yeah, anybody else, man! Anybody else, people freak. Jesus comes out, it's like, no, it's like, '[gasp] It's Jesus! Hey, you're a little dusty there, aren't ya? Let's wipe some of that off! Yeah, you wanna drive with the top down, huh?' [laughs]
Nah, I guess that's why he never got married. No wife would ever buy the fucking resurrection, alright? It's like, 'Sure.' So she sees him on Friday afternoon. He takes off with 12 fucking guys. She doesn't hear from him again 'til Monday. He comes in the house. She's going, 'And where have you been for three days, mister winemaker!?' Jesus is going, 'No, no. I'll tell you. I'll tell you where I've been. Sure. First of all, not that it's important, but I was DEAD! I'm in a fucking grave OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'm fighting death, Hell, DECOMPOSURE! I'm changing spiritual form, about to come into the kingdom of God and I go 'WAIT A SECOND! I BETTER GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!''
Yeah, that never would have worked, man. Been all kinds of press, 'Jesus Gets Divorce, Wife Doesn't Buy Resurrection', you know? Just never would've worked. What a life. Oh.
People say, 'You think Jesus is coming back?' [chuckles] '[sarcastically] Oh, sure. Yeah, he's skipping all the way, huh? What's it been? Two thousand years? Yeah, he's coming back. He's gonna be on game shows. He's gonna be on This Is Your Life. They're gonna go, 'Jesus, do you remember this noise? [mimics hammering nails] He's gonna go, 'YEAH, I CAN NAME THAT TUNE IN TWO NOTES!'
Ah... Yeah, I figure Jesus is in heaven right now. They're going, 'Jesus, why don't you go back down to Earth? These are troubled times. They need a symbol of peace and love again, somebody walking the world with real peace.' Jesus is going, [looking at his hand, turning it around] [sarcastically]'Yeah... sure. Yeah. Oh, I'll go back, I'll go back. As soon as I can play the PIANO AGAIN, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! THANKS A LOT! I LIKE BEING THE ONLY SAVIOR WHO CAN USE HIS HAND AS A FUCKING WHISTLE! [whistles] JESUS ECLIPSE!' Oh!
Nah, I'm not trying to make jokes about Jesus though. I saw the movies, I read the Bible. He's always on the cross at the end, the Crucifixion. There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around going, '[sobbing] It's a shame that he has to die!' And Jesus is always going, 'WELL, MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF SOMEBODY'D GET A LADDER AND A PAIR OF PLIERS!' 'But the Bible said you're supposed to die!' 'OH, BY THE BOOK! BY THE BOOK!' Oh, tough gig! Tough gig!
But that's what happens to everybody that tries to help, huh? Abraham Lincoln, right? Gandhi, Sadat... was gonna bring peace to the Middle East, huh? Says, 'Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna bring peace over here.' 'Well, Sadat, listen. You're doing such a good job, he decided to have a fucking parade for you, okay? Why don't you wear something bright and sit down in front, alright? You're gonna like a certain float we put together for you there.' Anybody, man. Kennedy, right? Martin Luther King. 'I have a dream!' [gunfire] 'Oh shit! And a fucking head wound, THANKS A LOT!' Oh! [laughs]
People go, 'Man, aren't you afraid to tell jokes like that? Aren't you afraid, man? Don't you think, like, some kind of curse may come into your life? Don't you think you might go to Hell?' [chuckles] No! Hell? I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! Hell would be like Club Med! OH OOOOHHHH!
